TODAY
Today I am sitting here with a part-time job that doesn't even make ends meet. I haven't bought myself something nice in a long time because it's all I can do to pay my bills and afford essentials like toilet paper and coffee. My New York State taxes were filed incorrectly so instead of getting back $400, I now owe $233 (after a three month pending period following my accountant resubmitting forms and New York State dicking around deciding if anything would change). I hate my job. It would be one thing if I were making a decent salary and was able to afford some fun in my life, but I bust my ass waiting on assholes who may or may not tip properly, and feel degraded as fuck. I have a college degree (two degrees, actually), retail management experience, costuming experience, writing experience, and yet night after night, I wait on demanding customers and carry heavy trays of alcoholic beverages through packed audiences who don't have enough empathy to move out of my way.
I live alone. I come home to an empty apartment and two, smelly-ass foster cats whose poop I'm constantly scooping. I wake up alone. I can take time off from my job whenever I would like which is great, except I need money so I can't really take time off without guilt or worrying how I will pay my rent the next month. My hourly pay is $5 an hour, and thanks to New York City taxes, about 1/3 of my paycheck is taken out, so even when I make awesome credit tips... it doesn't matter.
I spend my days off scrubbing my apartment, which gets surprisingly filthy due to two cats with shedding black hair. I also scour craigslist.org for better jobs, either in or out of NYC, since I'm not so sure that I even want to live here anymore. I have really been considering going to Grad school, but I'm not sure where or for what. Life is more confusing than ever before, and it seems that due to rent, my lease, and bills, my options are pretty limited at the moment.
I am still broken up with my ex-boyfriend, though we now talk on a daily basis (this was after I said we couldn't communicate at all and I slowly realized you can't just cut one of your best friends entirely out of your life without serious consequences). I have been out with a handful of dudes since breaking up with him about 4 months ago (after we went on numerous breaks and got into numerous fights over the last year of our relationship), and every guy I went out with just didn't do it for me. I've been out with assholes who only wanted no-strings attached sex, guys who admitted to throwing cats against a wall and might be deported due to DUIs, dudes I met while they were rolling on molly, and I am now throwing in the towel. If I have to be alone for the rest of my life, it will be better than dating a dick bag. I have only just recently given up on dating and seeing other guys; I think I was just using it as a distraction from my otherwise stressful and and mundane existence, so now I am back to focusing on just me. I don't need any distractions- they aren't worth my time, energy, or emotions.
ONE YEAR AGO
One year ago, I was a visual assistant manager at Hollister Co. I was living at home and driving about 30 minutes to and from work in Binghamton each day. I hated my job because of the politics of the company and the emphasis on physical appearance, but in retrospect, at least I had a steady pay check every two weeks and worked with a great team of people (not that I don't now- the people I currently work with are also great). I sometimes had to be into work at 6am, but in retrospect, it's a lot better than my current job of going into work at 10pm and not getting out until 4am.
Living at home didn't always seem like the greatest thing, but now that I live alone, it was awesome to have had someone considerate enough to put a plate of food in the fridge for me when they new I wasn't going to be back from work until midnight. It was nice to have a built-in friend with my brother also living at home, so I had someone to talk to and watch a movie with at 10pm. It was really nice to have a car, and not have to rely on someone else's time schedule for transportation as I do these days (the L train is NEVER running the way it should be, and I have spent so much money on cabs as a result that it makes me feel sick thinking of the money I have wasted in the last few months). I didn't have to pay rent, which saved me a shit ton of money, and I also didn't have to spend money on food... or toilet paper... or coffee.. or fucking foster cats who will shit their brains out if I don't buy top-of-the-line, $40 bags of hard food. Life was pretty fucking good looking back....
I had $10,000 in my bank account. I was planning on quitting my job with Hollister to move to NYC in the fall, and I was hopeful that finding work in the city would be relatively easy. I was so full of hope. I also had grandiose plans to spend a portion of my money on a trip to Barcelona. I was on a break with my then boyfriend, and had so much time to just focus on me and MY future. I spent days off making elaborate meals for my family (it was nice to have people to cook for), walking my dogs, taking a raft out in Guilford lake by myself, or just planning my future and applying to jobs in the city.
Two Years Ago
At this time two years ago, I was madly in love with my boyfriend. We were still doing long-distance after a year and a half of being together, but each time we saw each other, it was like three days in heaven. I would look forward to visiting him in the Hamptons (where his family lived) and going to the beach and for long bike rides by the bay and out to eat. I looked forward to nights of star-gazing in his hammock, and cooking awesome meals with him. He would come visit me upstate, and I would show him around my innocent, sleepy little town. We would have a fire in the woods, or go for walks, and I would bring him to all the coolest restaurants Binghamton had to offer. We would hang out with my cousin and brother and cook meals for my family. We were so happy and in love back then.... it almost makes me sad to think back on these days.
I worked part time at Macy's in the cosmetics department. I worked with some truly awesome women, and I had so much free time on my hands since I worked about four days a week and the hours were pretty decent (no late-late nights like I am doing now, or super early mornings like I had to do for Hollister). I was still living at home back then and commuting via car to Binghamton. My paychecks weren't that big, so it sucked that a large portion had to go towards gas, but it was still better than taking the subway or paying for a cab.
I spent my free time cooking for my family, or catering to the feral cats in my backyard (this was the summer that Bijou and Pot Pie showed up as kittens). I built tent city for them and would spend hours outside playing with them. I hung out with my friends for drinks at Jerry's or the occasional bonfire party. I had just graduated from Oneonta so I was not in any major rush to find an adult job with benefits etc. Time was on my side back then and I was not stressed about much. I think the biggest stress in my life was making time to see my boyfriend.
Three Years Ago
Three years ago, I had just had the most tumultuous and amazing year of my young, adult life. The summer after the year of Cliff Street was an interesting time. I had a new boyfriend (we had been together for about six months back then), and that summer was the beginning of what would turn into a 3 year long distance relationship. It was a hard transition since we had seen each other daily while college was in session. I was so in love back then. I would bake him cookies and mail them to him, and I looked forward to visiting him in the Hamptons or him visiting me upstate.
I was so sweet, and young, and innocent and hopeful it almost pains me to look back on that time in my life. I would cry because I missed my boyfriend, but other than that nothing really stressed or upset me. I was working part-time at Claire's, which was a pretty sweet and innocent job in itself.... selling tiaras and tutus to little girls or piercing an 8 year old's ears.
The highlight of my summer back then was having my Albany friends drive to Oneonta for a night out with the girls, or taking a trip to Albany to visit them and go to my friend's family's restaurant and Crossgates mall. I went on shopping trips with my mom and grandma that summer- I bought my first $90 bottle of Jean Paul Gaultier perfum, and SO MUCH lingerie... I must have spent about $2,000 on lingerie over the three years I was with my boyfriend. I fucking miss the excitement of it all. Now I wonder if I will ever feel those butterflies and that newness ever again.
Four Years Ago
Four years ago, I was a virgin, I was single, I was having so much fun and acting out doing all sorts of crazy shit. It was the summer of rage week, and my best friend and I were inseparable. I'm convinced we hung out pretty much every day, whether it was deciding to drive to binghamton to do drugs and see a movie, or sitting on her mom's deck with the caged in fire lit drinking wine under the stars. We listened to a lot of Jeff Buckley that summer, and usually ended up quoting his lyrics when we were wasted or emo. We listened to a lot of shitty and awesome music like Def Leopard and Metallica and other assorted crap we thought was amazing because it fit the mood. We spray painted the pavilion in a park and had to jump over a bank in the pouring rain to hide from the cops, we got wasted on the football field at night with our group of guy friends and had to run from the cops when they showed up... we did a lot of running from the cops that summer. We went out in Oneonta a lot- our favorite bars that summer were the Black Oak Tavern (I loved skeevy, hipster types) and the Fox (my friend loved karaoke), and drank a lot of cocktails. I made out with a lot of boys that summer... it was a fun summer. I don't even think I had a job that summer... which is probably why it was so awesome. Oh wait, that's right- I cleaned houses for old ladies. ahahahahaha. What a great job. It was only like $120 a week for about 6 hours total work, but it was enough to buy drinks at the bar, since I really had no other expenditures. I still had my shitty Nissan Altima that summer; that was the summer I drove it into a 4 ft. ditch completely sober. It was still fine after that.... it was a good car. The summer of 2009 led into the greatest year of my life, the fall of 2009 and the year I spent at Clif Street.
This was the year that would change me forever. I met some of my closest friends that fall, drank far more than I should have, did some crazy and stupid shit, which NO, I don't regret at all, and met my boyfriend. Summer of 2009 was amazing, even though I was in emotional turmoil. Life was promising and the future was wide open (to quote Tom Petty).
