Back when I was employed (only three short weeks ago), if and when I experienced anxiety or stress, it was usually at night. My anxiety (if it was one of those days) usually occurred at nightfall or when I was supposed to be getting tired in the late evening hours. It was usually triggered by the usual shit - me, being home with nothing to do or to occupy my thoughts, and my boyfriend working late at the club and not answering texts.
Now, I have a whole new breed of anxiety and stress that occurs every morning. I never thought I could feel anxious or stressed as soon as I wake up from sleep, but since I lost my job, that is exactly how I feel... every.. fucking... morning, like clock work.
It's awful. It's like, I wake up before my alarm even goes off, and instead of enjoying the fact that I don't have to get up for work and I can actually keep sleeping (which, let's face it, is how we all feel on any given morning we DO have work and wake up by the sound of the alarm), I CANNOT go back to sleep. I lay in bed tossing and turning, thoughts racing through my mind about how I should get up and get on the computer and start job searching. I usually end up picking up my phone; then I check for emails, and end up surfing around facebook and Instagram before I decide I need to get the F*ck out of bed and go make coffee and be productive on my computer.
Meanwhile, this whole time, it's like the new day is taunting me. I used to HATE waking up dog-tired and by the alarm (which I would hit 'snooze' on at least 10 times). I used to wish I would just wake up, not tired for once, and without having to crawl out of bed five days a week and go to work. Before losing my job, I legit hadn't had more than 5 days off in YEARS. The last time I even had more than two days in a row off was Christmas. Before that, I hadn't had more than two days in a row since I went to TomorrowWorld in September.
I didn't even give myself a break in between switching jobs, because I couldn't afford to do so. I literally ended my last job Nov. 28th, and started at my new job Dec. 1st.
It has been nice having some time off. My mind is definitely a bit more clear than it was, and I feel more relaxed in many ways, however, the stress of my future has been weighing pretty heavily on me, as I job hunt and try to figure out what I'm going to do.
I was supposed to go to Italy this summer with my boyfriend; I'm not sure how that is going to happen with no viable source of discretionary income. I haven't been going out; I've been going home on the weekends to prevent myself from staying here and either resigning to be home alone (since my BF now works all three weekend days....), or spending money on parties.
I know I'll be ok, because I really have no other choice. I think my biggest concerns right now are paying for healthcare (I decided NOT to change my health plan right now, because it's a good one and I don't want to lose it), and having any bit of extra money to actually have fun with.
I also hate telling people I have no job. It's not even my fault - my ex-boss was a fucking deviant drug addict who never did payroll on time, partied every fucking night of the week, openly took drugs, and let me go with no notice because she couldn't afford to keep my position. Like, that is fucked up and not my fault. But I still feel some level of shame telling people I've lost my job, because I feel like I'm letting them down. Everyone was so happy for me when I got this job, because I had been trying to get out of retail for so long.
I am also now getting anxiety thinking about the fact my boyfriend is going to be doing 4 nights in a row of late night; Thursdays thru Sundays at a new bar. If and when I DO get another job, I almost pray it's not a Monday thru Friday, 9-5pm, because then, I will NEVER see him again. We won't have a single damn day off together. And that is fucking awful for a relationship (I know because it's been my life the past three years, more or less....).
I guess I better drink my damn coffee and hop on Craigslist while the day is young. I have a phone interview for a writing job that I've already submitted a sample for at 11:30 (so that COULD be promising). I also have a second interview with that expensive beauty store in the West Village at 3pm. I still have Mt. Fiji on my cheek, so hopefully that doesn't deter them from hiring me.
