I've been having a rough week... actually, more of a rough month and a rough year. Life is harder than I ever thought it would be. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but certainly not my current life. I think maybe I was read too many fairytales as a young child or maybe I am still too much of a day-dreamer. It's just that I get these sweet, little fantasies in my head of the way things should be, or how I want things to go, and then reality is a hard, cold, slap across my face. I am starting my internship with Topix Media Labs tomorrow, and I'm excited but kind of nervous. I am going to have NO time left to myself (which is probably a good thing in my case... less time to think about things) with my job at Highline and the internship. I also had an interview with Webster Hall for a bottle server position in the VIP lounge and am still waiting to hear back from that. We will see. If I get that I'll probably never sleep or go out again as there will never be time to myself. It will keep me out of trouble... that is for sure. I am currently sunning my ass on the terrace, with a sheet thrown over my laptop and head in a mini, tent-like fashion, since the sun was too bright for me to see the screen. hahaha... I probably look like a real freak right now. Maybe I should SPF my legs.... don't want to repeat the day I passed out naked on the deck at home and woke up with a severe burn all over my legs, back and ass.
I have been so depressed lately. Being single is harder than I ever thought it would be. I know that I wanted to be single for a while after getting out of my three year relationship, and I thought it would be good for me... and I suppose it is good for me, it's just such a hard transition to go from constant attention and reassurance and love to, well...nothingness. The dating scene in NYC is completely different from the ballpark I was dealing with three years ago when I was still in school and single. Everyone I've gone out with basically just wants sex; I just want some fucking companionship. I know I knock my body and the way I look a lot, but as of late the only positive affirmations I get are solely based on the way I look. I'm starting to wonder if I have some kind of major personality flaw I'm completely oblivious too that makes people disinterested (maybe it's because I'm insane...). Maybe I should stop listening to Sigur Rios, and Radiohead... it's not helping these feelings of complete and utter despairity (<--- apparently that isn't a real word). Thank God for the friends that deal with me when I call them freaking out and in a state of tears... I don't know where I would be if I didn't have people that care about me right now, pretty fucking hopeless.
Last night was another hip hop show and on top of my ears almost bleeding from the awful fucking music by the end of the night, I had a terrible contact high from all the people smoking joints in my section ( I was waiting on Miguel and his crew). I also had one table walk out on a check. I'm so fucking sick of waiting on people... that is not what I intended to be doing with my life at this point, and half the nights I work, it isn't even worth it. I guess I should still be lucky I have a job... even if it makes me hate humanity. I just want something to look forward to again.
I had the most amazing time in Albany this past weekend and I'm still emotionally hungover I think. You know when you just have such a perfect, great, and fun time with friends and then it's all over and it's back to the grind, and you are depressed because every day can't be filled with fun? Yeah, it's now Wednesday and I'm still feeling that way. OMG... I really need to stop listening to radiohead. hahaha. I'm going to finish my book this month- I suppose that is something to look forward to. Maybe I can find a publisher after I edit it a billion times... probably not though, because who would ever want to read what I have to say? Jk... clearly YOU do, if you're still reading this godforesaken blog of mine ;) hahah. I miss my girlfriends and family so much. I miss having girlfriends around that I can drink shitty wine with on a random weekday night and bitch about boys to. I miss having girlfriends with inside jokes and shared memories. I am sad I can't go home this weekend with my sister and brother in law since I have work. My entire family is going out to celebrate my younger brother's 21st and Mother's day (a weekend early, yes... that is how were doing it). I miss my pets. I think I need prozac. I also think I need to gain some weight because I can feel my pubic bone and ribs digging into the wood I'm laying on. San Loco is sounding mighty good right now.
As per usual, I'll leave you with some shitty selfies, because at the end of the day, I'm still a terrible narcissist. ..... someone come save me.
I might start living in this romper... it is so comfy and flattering.
My Elton John Stunners... I need a fucking tan.
