Disclaimer (you know it's going to be good when I throw out the disclaimer ;) ): The top half of this blog consists of my personal beliefs (sorry if I offend anyone). It is opinion only, which counts for... well, basically nothing, so please take none of the proceeding sentences to heart. The second half (tips for being a hipster) are completely contrived and imaginary aspects of a lifestyle that I've made up in the name of good humor (and based loosely on my casual observances of those around me). And after writing all of this, I began to question if I am actually a hipster. I don't think I am, but maybe that's one of the defining characteristics.
Living in the capital of Hipster Paradise (aka, Williamsburg, Brooklyn), I have grown accustomed to sights and fashion choices the rest of the world has not yet embraced (or rather, styles that were embraced about 25 years ago and have been deemed 'cool' once again). From Black Milk leggings to fugly, acid-washed jean jackets, to those little John Lennon glasses, and everything heinous in between (think Girl With the Dragon Tattoo style bangs), walking around these parts is often like walking around the Salvation Army on a bad acid trip. I've seen it all. Girls sashaying down Bedford Avenue in high-waisted short-shorts SO short, that I see half of their ass cheeks (and no boys, not all of these girls have the kind of ass you want to catch a glimpse of). I've see girls with camel toes, guys with mamel toes (that's a male-camel toe), bitches going bra-less when they definitely should not, and dudes with jeans SO tight, it will be amazing if they are ever able to procreate.
It's not just the fashion choices either. I've been thinking a lot about hipsterdom lately, and I have started to question what makes a hipster a "hipster"? Is it the way that they dress? Is it their oh-so-cool choice of indie bands and foreign films? Is it the fact that they live on black coffee, hand-rolled cigarettes, and Red Stripe? Is it a combination of all of these things? Or perhaps, it is the fact that they're all trying so fucking hard to be cool and different from the rest of the world, that they form their own little sect of society where they all end up being the same. I once made a t-shirt that said "Let's all be different... so we can all be the same." I've started to think I could really be onto something, and perhaps I should make a line of t-shirts with similar ironic sayings to market to the hipster population. For example, today I was thinking how funny it would be if I were to wear a t-shirt that said "Fat Fuck" on it. I was thinking about those t-shirts that heavy people wear to poke fun at themselves that say "I beat Anorexia" and thought it would be pretty hilarious to produce a line of 'fat fuck' tshirts that are only sold in size Small through XXS. I also thought of a t-shirt that could read, "Trying Too Hard."
I know everyone has a right to be who they are, and people sharing the same interests often have similarities in sense of style and musical tastes regardless of which kind of socio-economic-ethnic background they come from, but Jesus Christ. When you consider the fact that bitches go to the pool at the Wythe Hotel, simply to walk around in swimsuits and high-heels and one-up each other in terms of coolness, it is a very cloying place to live at times. When every-other twenty-something girl has a 'fashion' blog, and they're all touting the same, exact fashions, it gets old fast. Walking around here on a Saturday afternoon is the worst. On every street corner, you'll see some wannabe fashionista posing as her BF takes a photo of her wearing some shitty outfit that 6,000 other Billysburg hipsters are currently wearing. And the hipster, mind-set... don't even get me started. I've noticed hipsters have a bad habit of pretending to be deep, and emotionally-in-tune; they like to have what they believe to be 'philosophical' conversations about cultural matters: For example, on the subway one night, I overheard two hipsters talking about vagrants. The dude in the conversation took a long, deep pause, and then said, ever-so-pretentiously, "yeah, but like, being homeless... it makes a person so creative." hhahahahaha.
Maybe I'm jealous because I don't fit in, idk. I do know that half of the peeps living out here don't even have to work for a living, because their parents are rich and pay their rent so they can afford to go out every night, eat only organic juices, and sit in front of Toby's Coffee all afternoon. I also know that despite the fact that most of these people like to feign poverty (via shopping at thrift stores), they still pay $600 for a cut and color, and drop mad money for the latest 'it' purse. I know I feel like a true outsider when I am walking down the street in my neon-pink Hollister Jeans (hey, don't judge- if you were once a manager at Hollister, half of your wardrobe would be Hollister too).
I decided becoming a 'hipster' in order to fit in would be a pretty easy goal to accomplish (if I actually wanted to do that... I don't; I'm perfectly content with the nerd that I am). Here is my guide to becoming everyone's fave indie goddess:
1. Body and Diet: To become a true hipster, you'll have to starve yourself within an inch of your life. I'm talking concentration-camp-survivor thin if your body shape/type allows for it. This goes for guys and girls alike. Doing this is simple; spend your money on things like vintage guitars, vintage clothing, music festivals, and designer jeans, and then you'll have no money left for food. Just make sure that you have enough money left for essentials like coffee (preferably from a hip coffee joint like Blue Bottle), booze, and tobacco/weed/cocaine. Unless you are the type of artistic girl who is willing to fuck for the essentials, you'll probably need some source of income to keep the Brooklyn Lager flowing and the bumps of coke in the bathroom of the Knitting Factory coming. With these three dietary staples, you should be able to keep living through your twenties before your heart gives out. Despite the fact you'll be severely malnourished, you'll never be lacking in energy and can party like the rock star you secretly believe yourself to be, alllll nighttt lonnnggg. While we are on the topic of body and diet, it is ok to starve yourself as long as you claim that you're on a 'cleanse' or a 'fast.' This is a great way to trick friends and family into believing that you are not the anorexic that they previously thought. As long as you're starving yourself in the name of good health (can you say 'kale and wheat grass juice'?), no one will question the fact your weight never goes above 100 lbs. Also, while on the topic of body and diet, consider body modification. Most hipsters have at least one or two tattoos (the hard core hipsters get sleeves or tats on their collar bone/chest area). Make sure it is something that makes people think. Something symbolic and spiritual, something totally ironic (like 'fuck you' on your knuckles), or something classic (like a half naked woman on your forearm) are all GREAT tattoo ideas.
2. Hair and Hair Accessories: Bleached hair? yes. Bleached eye brows? Fuck yes. Bleached hair with pale pink, ombre-tips and grown-in, dark eye brows? Hell to the fucking yes. The weirder that your hair makes you look, the better. If you are a natural brunette with black eye brows, you should bleach your hair and leave your eye brows black. If you are a natural blonde, why not consider chopping your bangs short and dying your hair jet-black? If you're REALLY at the top of the coolness factor, you'll bleach your hair and then dye it a pastel pink or blue or lavender and throw a flowered- headdress on top of the whole disaster. SO cool. You'll look just like a fairy who's purpose in life is dancing around a mushroom circle on Mid-summer night, except in your case, you'll be like a malnourished fairy dancing around drunk at some punk band's concert.
I look like Lucile Ball dressed as the Chiquita Banana broad, but you get the point... flowered headdresses are SO hot right now. You can snag one from Urban Oufitters for only $100. Also notice the heavily-colored in eyebrows. Sadly for me, I have light hair, so growing dark, caterpillar brows isn't in my cards.
NEVER ever underestimate the power of the felt hat. Boater hats are also pretty cool.. as are huge, floppy hats that make you look like you're going to the Kentucky Derby.
3. Clothing and Accessories: It's all about being eclectic and 'original'. If you're going to wear some saggy-ass mom jeans, make sure you pair them with a crop top or an American Apparel leotard. Keep in mind that acid wash is all the rage right now; if you can find a Levi's jacket from 1989, you should probably wear that fucker with everything you own. A denim vest with cut-off sleeves that makes you look like Joe Dirt? DOOOO IT, just throw it over a babydoll dress that looks like it's from the wardrobe department of Reality Bites. Long, flowy skirts are super cool too right now. Plaid is always in style and don't you forget it. Vintage band tee-shirts will never go out of style, nor will the high-waisted trend, so milk it for all it's worth. As for shoes, they should be well-worn saddle shoes or high-end designer booties. Nothing in between will fly, unless of course you're wearing TOM's. Don't forget your hipster frames either. I don't care if you have 20/20 vision, every real hipster needs a pair of thick, black frames to appear intelligent and philosophical. Just remember that everything matches, and if it doesn't match, well, that's even better. Your best bet for finding the perfect duds is either the good old Salvation Army, some vintage clothing store that over-charges you for the falling-apart-at-the-seams dress from 1999, or Nastygal.com. Also, American Apparel for all of your v-neck t-shirts and skin tight going-out clothes.
Don't forget your anime-style knee highs. They've been a popular leg-wear choice of hipsters for about 3 years now and are still going strong, as evidenced by lookbook.nu and all of the girls I saw wearing them on the street today. You can pair them with anything from denim shorts, to over-all jumpers, to waist-high skirts of all fashions.
Dear Miley, you can f*ck your pilates. I got these guns doing a real woman's work: Carrying trays of alcoholic beverages and going up and down stairs at work, also walking pretty much everywhere since I no longer have the luxury of riding in a car.
American Apparel... you never fail to disappoint.
4. Occupation: If you're one of the fortunate trust-fund hipsters living off of mommy and daddy's hard-earned dollar, congrats- you've basically one a free-ride for life. If you're a true hipster, you probably won't have an office job or a job requiring you to wear a suit. Instead you'll be some sort of 'artist.' Many hipsters are aspiring musicians. Other's make weird-ass paintings that they are somehow able to sell in high-end, Chelsea galleries because mommy and daddy know the right person. Some make street art or play instruments on subway platforms- those ones actually seem to have real talent, surprisingly enough and it is truly a shame that they don't make more money. Personally, I paint for fun (my paintings suck) and write. I write A LOT. I like writing because it's the only time I feel like I can say what I need to say without interruption or dismissal. Most hipsters hold some kind of lame-ass side job to support their true passion, since it is so hard to make money off of an art unless you suck the right dick (jk). For example, a lot of aspiring actors are waitresses and servers. A lot of musicians work day jobs in retail stores or doing odd jobs just to make ends meet. One gets creative when they need to pay rent and have enough money for Oslo coffee and drugs for the weekend. hahahahaha
5. Entertainment: When a hipster has free time, it is either spent on a three-day bender, sleeping in until 2pm after a three day bender, or in 'the studio' (whether it is an art studio, music studio, or some place similar to Andy Warhol's 'studio' where they sit around getting fucked up). Hipsters love concerts; especially indie concerts. Any band playing at Terminal 5, The Knitting Factory, Bowery Ballroom, Roseland Ballroom, Webster hall, or your local bar/venue (think Spikehill or Trash Bar) is good by them. The more obscure and underground, the better. Hipsters enjoy drinking, smoking weed, and indulging in drugs whether it is only recreationally, or as a habitual addiction. If you're straight-edge, you're not a real hipster. Hipsters also love sitting in parks wearing string bikinis, playing sports like kickball in summer leagues, or day drinking on a Tuesday afternoon (as you know, they don't have normal working hours, this is one of the few advantages to being degraded as a server on a nightly basis). Hipsters also love art-showings, underground raves they hear about via good friends, and events that allow them to dress up and show off their coolness (for example, being invited to a Tribeca Film Festival after-party).
