After about three weeks of complete and utter misery and despair, things are once again looking up. Work has been increasingly steady at good, ol' Highline, which means I even had enough discretionary income to go on a mini- shopping spree last week (hellllooooo American Apparel booty shorts, Nasty Gal dresses, and Forever 21 crop tops) ;). Needless to say, I'm sure pictures will be posted in the near future, because that's how I do.
I've tackled one of the toughest parts of my book (aka, one of the toughest parts of my past), so from here on out, the writing should be smooth sailing. I even have off this up-coming weekend off, despite the fact I didn't even request it off, so I am happy to say I will be heading home to celebrate one of my good friend's birthday's and see all of my best girl friends This is much needed mini-break, as life without close girlfriends living in the same city as you majorly blows- especially when you're going through relationship issues/boy issues and haven't friends to come over and guzzle cheap wine with and/or bitch/cry to about all the shit that's going down in your love life.
I've finally begun to except my singledom in stride. It was a really tough transition to make for the first couple of months after I broke things off once and for all with my ex. Initially I missed the constant reassurance and support; the 'I love you so much' texts I would get before bed at night; the 'Good morning beautiful' phone calls I would receive every morning (please note, I'm almost vomiting thinking back on these... someone really should have slapped me). It was tough to be the one to put my foot down and tell my ex to kindly stop contacting me when I was so completely and utterly alone, but I knew it had to be done for both of our sakes. There were definitely moments I was so lonely I wanted to cave in and tell him I would take him back... but I am happy I remained strong. I am also happy to say that I no longer rely on someone telling me they love me 20 times a day to feel like I am worthy of being loved in the first place. I know that I am a great person, and as long as I keep reminding myself of this when I find myself in a moment of weakness (aka, hating on myself, thinking I'm not good enough, thinking I'm not this or that enough, thinking I'm not pretty or thin or rich enough), I think I should get on just fine. It was pretty brutal for a while; I'd have moments of weakness where my ex would be calling me and it was all I could do to bitch-button him; I was so lonely I just wanted to answer and cry to him for a while... but I knew that'd be a real dick move on my behalf.
Going back into the dating world has been a completely eye-opening experience for me. I know what I will and will not put up with this time around (drunkeness on a first-date is a no-go, waking and baking is a real deal-breaker); I also recognize the fact that I am still young, and I am allowed to have fun. I can't believe I was with the first person I slept with for SO FUCKING LONG. I keep thinking to myself about how naive I was when I sincerely thought I'd be with him forever. I am having more fun than ever now, just simply knowing I am my own person, I am complete without a significant other, I set my own rules, and I am free to do what I want, whenever I want to. It is so refreshing to not to have to report to a boyfriend at the end of every night or in the morning... Jesus, thinking back on the way things were, I was like, kept on a fucking leash for about three years. He would blow up at me for missing his call. One time my phone died and he was accusing me of cheating on him for not answering, calling me all sorts of terrible names. How my friend's didn't bitch slap me every time I was out with them and had to take a phone call from my boyfriend at the time is beyond me. Ladies- I am so sorry that I was that girl. hahahaha. EWWWWWW. Now I am ashamed of myself....
Singledom has been great, but it's also been tricky to navigate on many levels. It's been a struggle to keep my emotions in check and not let myself get carried away with any particular suitors I might be attracted to. I had a minor melt down about a week ago, but I was quickly put back on track by my friends and brother and cousin. Thank God I have people to talk some sense into me. Lord knows it's the littlest things that I find attract me to a person, who isn't otherwise even worth my time or efforts. Furthermore, I think I speak on behalf of most women when I say this, we always want that which we cannot easily have- even if they aren't the best for us, it's like a sick, sadistic-challenge we take upon ourselves to obtain the most difficult one to monogomize. lol.. monogomize.... (I clearly just made that word up).
When it comes down to falling for someone you can't have, my favorite thing to do is to keep reiterating to yourself all of their flaws. Any good friends and family will be quick to tell you that this person doesn't deserve you in the first place (and of course they will be right), but remember to berate them in your head. If you have to, it is even ok in a situation like this, where you need to get over someone, to pick apart their physical flaws. This is and always has been my favorite tactic to forgetting you ever had feelings for someone. ahahahah... my favorite example of such, was when I had a huge crush on my neighbor in college. The only reason I liked him in retrospect, was because he played guitar and had these mesmerizing eyes, like beautiful, blue-green orbs. My friends had to keep telling me he looked like Ellen Degeneres (he totally did, mind you), and my brother told me he looked like a 'creepy pervert' ( which he was, mind you). It took a while for these things to sink in and make my feelings subside, but eventually it worked. I facebook stalked him out of sheer curiosity one day and he now has jowls and a huge beer gut. Clearly things worked out for the best. He was a total douche bag anyhow so he had it coming.
Another challenge for me has been the fact that men are actually interested in me. I know that I've said it before, but I spent 22 years of my life single, and about 18 years of my life wondering why dudes never liked me (save for the nerdy ones). I concluded at a relatively early age that it was because I wasn't hot enough, but in reality it's because I was extremly shy and very smart/nerdy/and a goody-two-shoes. However, even years after the fact, it is always a shock when a guy compliments me or approaches me or asks for my number or asks me out. It's usually such a shock, that I am completely flattered, regardless of what he looks like, and I am probably too quick to give people a chance. This is a really issue, because sometimes the most unassuming men turn out to be complete and utter douche bags. Like the first dude I went on a date with after breaking up with my ex. This particular man complimented me non stop, was really attractive, he bought me chocolates at work, took me on a proper date, and then told me he was only looking for sex. Not only was he just looking for sex, but he also said he liked to sleep with a number of women at any given time... that sounds real safe. Furthermore, when I asked, "well, perhaps you would just like to be friends?" his response was, "I'm not really looking for a platonic friend." I guess in retrospect I appreciate the fact he was brutally honest and didn't attempt to play me, but Jesus, what a way to end the butterflies I had in my stomach when i was initially getting read to go out with him. I went home after that date and bawled my eyes out thinking, 'if this is what dating in NYC is going to be like, I am fuckkkked." That was about a week after dumping my ex though, and I've now come to terms with how the real world works. As long as I keep my wits about me, I can't get played.
