Rain Rain Go Away

God Damn Son... if that title isn't the epitome of emo, I don't know what is. ahahahaha. How cliche; you know I love that shit.  I am sitting here still recovering from an emotional hangover.  This weekend at home was so great that I never wanted it to end.  Saturday evening, I went out in Albany with my friends to celebrate my friend's birthday.  Despite the fact that it was raining all night, 40 degrees outside, and felt like November, the night was SO FUN.  How I woke up on Sunday morning with only minimal hangover symptoms is beyond me.  I only felt a bit dizzy when I awoke in my clothes from the night before on the couch with my friend.  I must have consumed five very strong drinks and about three different shots, and I didn't cry OR throw up at all.  That is a first.  However,  I did black out in the cab home from the bar, because I don't really remember how we got back to the apartment where we were staying; I also spit out my acne medication which I decided to take at 3am for some reason, and then was scrounging around the floor for my acne pill.  I also said I wasn't tired when everyone else decided to go to sleep, so someone brought me some reading material and I remember getting pissed off that one of the books they presented to me was a Tucker Max book.

Alas, I have been needing a quality girl's night out for a couple of months now, and I only wish that I could have one once every week... :(.   I spent Sunday recovering from my hangover (aka eating ALL day long), and got some quality time in with my brother and cousin.  We had a small BBQ at our cabin in the woods, where I made a delicious pasta salad and my cousin grilled about 24 hamburgers, despite the fact there were only four of us hanging out. I ate three hamburgers, a pound of pasta, and a pound of s'mores for dessert.  Needless to say, I probably gained 15 lbs this weekend and am now trying to get back on the straight and narrow.  I don't know why every weekend at home turns into a three day binge, but it does.  I probably will not have to eat meat for another two weeks though, so that is good.  After our mini BBQ, the three of us decided to rent a scary movie... my cousin passed out on the floor by the side of the bed, my brother passed out in the bed, and I passed out curled up at the foot of the bed along with my dog, Ceely who also joined in for movie night.  I love that all three of us passed out about an hour into the movie... I guess we were all pretty hungover and tired from the previous night's partying.  Monday, I awoke knowing I had to go back to the city since I was scheduled to work last night.  Naturally, Monday was the nicest day of the weekend with sunny, blue skies and it was reasonably temperate outside.

I was so depressed at the mere thought of going back to this ugly city and the dark, windowless, cold, nightclub where I work that I wanted to cry (and I did).   I don't know why I am such a p*ssy sometimes.  It is just SO depressing to live in a place where the air smells like car fumes and bus fumes and rotting garbage and human piss all the time.  I miss driving my car around; public transportation is the pits, especially for a control freak like myself.  The only places I can enjoy grass and trees here are occupied by like, hundreds of other people on any given day, and aside from that, they aren't even that nice.  I genuinely miss my huge backyard at home, and my woods, and being able to go for a walk on a country road without seeing anyone else.  It was so nice to just sit in the solitude of the woods the other night with a fire, knowing that another person wasn't around for miles.  It was so nice to walk barefoot through my yard on Monday morning, knowing that I wasn't going to step on a needle or piece of trash. It was nice breathing in fresh air.  I know I sound like a real asshole writing all of this, and I know it was my decision to move to this city.  This city has a lot of benefits that my hometown doesn't, but Jesus Christ, I miss nature.  I really think that taking a couple of weeks off this summer just to go upstate and enjoy nature is in order.  I don't care if I gain 20 lbs over those two weeks, it is worth it.  I feel like I never see everyone that I want to see when I'm home for only two days, nor do I do everything I want to do.  

Surprised my Hunter Wellingtons didn't melt, seeing as how I practically had my feet IN the fire.  Even though Sunday was sunny, it was bitter cold.  

Aaaahhhh, I wish I could drink coffee sitting in the sun on a deck every morning during the summer. 

Driving back to NYC yesterday, we hit some traffic in the form of a parade on Route 206 in Masonville. Go figure- the Bainbridge parade had just ended and then we hit Masonville and their parade was just starting, so we were forced to sit idle in the car for about 20 minutes.  I started getting severe anxiety, thinking that I was going to be late for my 5 o'clock shift.  As we crossed the George Washington Bridge, I secretly wished that I was running late enough to text my manager and tell him that I was going to be late, and I secretly hoped, in this imagined scenario, that he would just say, 'oh don't bother coming in, we are over-staffed anyhow.'  Well, apparently my positive thinking really paid off, because when we were only about 5 minutes away from our apartment building, my manager actually sent out a mass text saying that we were in fact over-staffed and he could cut two of us.  I am happy that my phone is always on me and at my disposal, because I responded to that text faster than the speed of light, and I was one of the lucky two that didn't have to go into work that awful fucking show on Memorial Day.  I really needed last night off... I was a fucking mess, after coming back from a weekend at home.  

I finally got all of the goodies from my online shopping spree.  I never know what I'm thinking when I decide to order the shit that I order... it's like I think that it's going to be 85 degrees out every day and night.  It was quite unfortunate that when I packed for this weekend, I packed all of my new purchases, thinking that when I went out in Albany on Saturday it would be warm enough to wear a crop top. WRONG.  

I thought this dress from Nastygal.com would be a great departure from my typical choice of skin-tight bodycon dresses, however, it swallows me whole and makes me look like a child playing dress up in her mom's closet.  Maybe if I was a foot taller I could pull it off... the back is pretty awesome though.  I'm thinking I might just hem it and it will be wearable. 

"Like ma' status if you like ma' sexy face- Dis' ma' sexy face :* " (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPnP_zlYU44  )  Just in case you don't know what I am referring to ;) hahaha.  I love these shorts.. they just might be a bit too scandalous to ever wear in the day time.  However, this blouse looks great with skirts. 

Another pair of short shorts... these ones are from Nastygal.   and I am growing out my brows again, because I was over-plucking and they started to get a bit too anorexic for my liking. 

I know that I need money, but Jesus Christ I am SO not looking forward to going into work tonight.  I don't even have to be there until 11pm.  ELEVEN AT NIGHT ON A FUCKING TUESDAY.... that is unheard of.  And it isn't even like an electronica/DJ show... it's some RnB hip hop shit.  FUCKING KILL ME NOW.  SOMEONE PLEASE COME SAVE ME. hahahahhaahah.  I have to find another job soon or I will surely die. 

It's a Good Day to Be Me

After about three weeks of complete and utter misery and despair, things are once again looking up.  Work has been increasingly steady at good, ol' Highline, which means I even had enough discretionary income to go on a mini- shopping spree last week (hellllooooo American Apparel booty shorts, Nasty Gal dresses, and Forever 21 crop tops) ;).   Needless to say, I'm sure pictures will be posted in the near future, because that's how I do.

I've tackled one of the toughest parts of my book (aka, one of the toughest parts of my past), so from here on out, the writing should be smooth sailing.  I even have off this up-coming weekend off, despite the fact I didn't even request it off, so I am happy to say I will be heading home to celebrate one of my good friend's birthday's and see all of my best girl friends  This is much needed mini-break, as life without close girlfriends living in the same city as you majorly blows- especially when you're going through relationship issues/boy issues and haven't friends to come over and guzzle cheap wine with and/or bitch/cry to about all the shit that's going down in your love life.

I've finally begun to except my singledom in stride.  It was a really tough transition to make for the first couple of months after I broke things off once and for all with my ex.  Initially I missed the constant reassurance and support; the 'I love you so much' texts I would get before bed at night; the 'Good morning beautiful' phone calls I would receive every morning (please note, I'm almost vomiting thinking back on these... someone really should have slapped me).  It was tough to be the one to put my foot down and tell my ex to kindly stop contacting me when I was so completely and utterly alone, but I knew it had to be done for both of our sakes.  There were definitely moments I was so lonely I wanted to cave in and tell him I would take him back... but I am happy I remained strong.  I am also happy to say that I no longer rely on someone telling me they love me 20 times a day to feel like I am worthy of being loved in the first place.  I know that I am a great person, and as long as I keep reminding myself of this when I find myself in a moment of weakness (aka, hating on myself, thinking I'm not good enough, thinking I'm not this or that enough, thinking I'm not pretty or thin or rich enough), I think I should get on just fine.  It was pretty brutal for a while; I'd have moments of weakness where my ex would be calling me and it was all I could do to bitch-button him; I was so lonely I just wanted to answer and cry to him for a while... but I knew that'd be a real dick move on my behalf.

Going back into the dating world has been a completely eye-opening experience for me.  I know what I will and will not put up with this time around (drunkeness on a first-date is a no-go, waking and baking is a real deal-breaker); I also recognize the fact that I am still young, and I am allowed to have fun.  I can't believe I was with the first person I slept with for SO FUCKING LONG.  I keep thinking to myself about how naive I was when I sincerely thought I'd be with him forever.  I am having more fun than ever now, just simply knowing I am my own person, I am complete without a significant other, I set my own rules, and I am free to do what I want, whenever I want to.  It is so refreshing to not to have to report to a boyfriend at the end of every night or in the morning... Jesus, thinking back on the way things were, I was like, kept on a fucking leash for about three years.  He would blow up at me for missing his call.  One time my phone died and he was accusing me of cheating on him for not answering, calling me all sorts of terrible names.   How my friend's didn't bitch slap me every time I was out with them and had to take a phone call from my boyfriend at the time is beyond me.  Ladies- I am so sorry that I was that girl. hahahaha.  EWWWWWW.  Now I am ashamed of myself....

Singledom has been great, but it's also been tricky to navigate on many levels.  It's been a struggle to keep my emotions in check and not let myself get carried away with any particular suitors I might be attracted to.  I had a minor melt down about a week ago, but I was quickly put back on track by my friends and brother and cousin.  Thank God I have people to talk some sense into me.  Lord knows it's the littlest things that I find attract me to a person, who isn't otherwise even worth my time or efforts. Furthermore, I think I speak on behalf of most women when I say this, we always want that which we cannot easily have- even if they aren't the best for us, it's like a sick, sadistic-challenge we take upon ourselves to obtain the most difficult one to monogomize. lol.. monogomize.... (I clearly just made that word up).

When it comes down to falling for someone you can't have, my favorite thing to do is to keep reiterating to yourself all of their flaws.  Any good friends and family will be quick to tell you that this person doesn't deserve you in the first place (and of course they will be right), but remember to berate them in your head.  If you have to, it is even ok in a situation like this, where you need to get over someone, to pick apart their physical flaws.  This is and always has been my favorite tactic to forgetting you ever had feelings for someone.  ahahahah... my favorite example of such, was when I had a huge crush on my neighbor in college.  The only reason I liked him in retrospect, was because he played guitar and had these mesmerizing eyes, like beautiful, blue-green orbs.  My friends had to keep telling me he looked like Ellen Degeneres (he totally did, mind you), and my brother told me he looked like a 'creepy pervert' ( which he was, mind you).  It took a while for these things to sink in and make my feelings subside, but eventually it worked.  I facebook stalked him out of sheer curiosity one day and he now has jowls and a huge beer gut.  Clearly things worked out for the best. He was a total douche bag anyhow so he had it coming.

Another challenge for me has been the fact that men are actually interested in me.  I know that I've said it before, but I spent 22 years of my life single, and about 18 years of my life wondering why dudes never liked me (save for the nerdy ones).  I concluded at a relatively early age that it was because I wasn't hot enough, but in reality it's because I was extremly shy and very smart/nerdy/and a goody-two-shoes.  However, even years after the fact, it is always a shock when a guy compliments me or approaches me or asks for my number or asks me out.  It's usually such a shock, that I am completely flattered, regardless of what he looks like, and I am probably too quick to give people a chance.  This is a really issue, because sometimes the most unassuming men turn out to be complete and utter douche bags.  Like the first dude I went on a date with after breaking up with my ex.  This particular man complimented me non stop, was really attractive, he bought me chocolates at work, took me on a proper date, and then told me he was only looking for sex.   Not only was he just looking for sex, but he also said he liked to sleep with a number of women at any given time... that sounds real safe.  Furthermore, when I asked, "well, perhaps you would just like to be friends?" his response was, "I'm not really looking for a platonic friend."  I guess in retrospect I appreciate the fact he was brutally honest and didn't attempt to play me, but Jesus, what a way to end the butterflies I had in my stomach when i was initially getting read to go out with him.  I went home after that date and bawled my eyes out thinking, 'if this is what dating in NYC is going to be like, I am fuckkkked."  That was about a week after dumping my ex though, and I've now come to terms with how the real world works.  As long as I keep my wits about me, I can't get played.

Not So Philosophical Musings

Why am I alive?

OMG, am I a hipster?

Disclaimer (you know it's going to be good when I throw out the disclaimer ;)  ):  The top half of this blog consists of my personal beliefs (sorry if I offend anyone). It is opinion only, which counts for... well, basically nothing, so please take none of the proceeding sentences to heart.  The second half (tips for being a hipster) are completely contrived and imaginary aspects of a lifestyle that I've made up in the name of good humor (and based loosely on my casual observances of those around me).  And after writing all of this, I began to question if I am actually a hipster.  I don't think I am, but maybe that's one of the defining characteristics.


Living in the capital of Hipster Paradise (aka, Williamsburg, Brooklyn), I have grown accustomed to sights and fashion choices the rest of the world has not yet embraced (or rather, styles that were embraced about 25 years ago and have been deemed 'cool' once again).  From Black Milk leggings to fugly, acid-washed jean jackets, to those little John Lennon glasses, and everything heinous in between (think Girl With the Dragon Tattoo style bangs), walking around these parts is often like walking around the Salvation Army on a bad acid trip.  I've seen it all.  Girls sashaying down Bedford Avenue in high-waisted short-shorts SO short, that I see half of their ass cheeks (and no boys, not all of these girls have the kind of ass you want to catch a glimpse of).  I've see girls with camel toes, guys with mamel toes (that's a male-camel toe), bitches going bra-less when they definitely should not, and dudes with jeans SO tight, it will be amazing if they are ever able to procreate.

It's not just the fashion choices either.  I've been thinking a lot about hipsterdom lately, and I have started to question what makes a hipster a "hipster"?  Is it the way that they dress?  Is it their oh-so-cool choice of indie bands and foreign films?  Is it the fact that they live on black coffee, hand-rolled cigarettes, and Red Stripe?  Is it a combination of all of these things?  Or perhaps, it is the fact that they're all trying so fucking hard to be cool and different from the rest of the world, that they form their own little sect of society where they all end up being the same.  I once made a t-shirt that said "Let's all be different... so we can all be the same."  I've started to think I could really be onto something, and perhaps I should make a line of t-shirts with similar ironic sayings to market to the hipster population.  For example, today I was thinking how funny it would be if I were to wear a t-shirt that said "Fat Fuck" on it.   I was thinking about those t-shirts that heavy people wear to poke fun at themselves that say "I beat Anorexia" and thought it would be pretty hilarious to produce a line of 'fat fuck' tshirts that are only sold in size Small through XXS. I also thought of a t-shirt that could read, "Trying Too Hard."

I know everyone has a right to be who they are, and people sharing the same interests often have similarities in sense of style and musical tastes regardless of which kind of socio-economic-ethnic background they come from, but Jesus Christ.  When you consider the fact that bitches go to the pool at the Wythe Hotel, simply to walk around in swimsuits and high-heels and one-up each other in terms of coolness, it is a very cloying place to live at times.  When every-other twenty-something girl has a 'fashion' blog, and they're all touting the same, exact fashions, it gets old fast.  Walking around here on a Saturday afternoon is the worst.  On every street corner, you'll see some wannabe fashionista posing as her BF takes a photo of her wearing some shitty outfit that 6,000 other Billysburg hipsters are currently wearing.  And the hipster, mind-set... don't even get me started.  I've noticed hipsters have a bad habit of pretending to be deep, and emotionally-in-tune; they like to have what they believe to be 'philosophical' conversations about cultural matters:  For example, on the subway one night, I overheard two hipsters talking about vagrants.  The dude in the conversation took a long, deep pause, and then said, ever-so-pretentiously, "yeah, but like, being homeless... it makes a person so creative." hhahahahaha.

Maybe I'm jealous because I don't fit in, idk.  I do know that half of the peeps living out here don't even have to work for a living, because their parents are rich and pay their rent so they can afford to go out every night, eat only organic juices, and sit in front of Toby's Coffee all afternoon.  I also know that despite the fact that most of these people like to feign poverty (via shopping at thrift stores), they still pay $600 for a cut and color, and drop mad money for the latest 'it' purse.  I know I feel like a true outsider when I am walking down the street in my neon-pink Hollister Jeans (hey, don't judge- if you were once a manager at Hollister, half of your wardrobe would be Hollister too).

I decided becoming a 'hipster' in order to fit in would be a pretty easy goal to accomplish (if I actually  wanted to do that... I don't; I'm perfectly content with the nerd that I am).  Here is my guide to becoming everyone's fave indie goddess:


1.  Body and Diet:  To become a true hipster, you'll have to starve yourself within an inch of your life.  I'm talking concentration-camp-survivor thin if your body shape/type allows for it.  This goes for guys and girls alike.  Doing this is simple; spend your money on things like vintage guitars, vintage clothing, music festivals, and designer jeans, and then you'll have no money left for food.  Just make sure that you have enough money left for essentials like coffee (preferably from a hip coffee joint like Blue Bottle), booze, and tobacco/weed/cocaine.  Unless you are the type of artistic girl who is willing to fuck for the essentials, you'll probably need some source of income to keep the Brooklyn Lager flowing and the bumps of coke in the bathroom of the Knitting Factory coming.  With these three dietary staples, you should be able to keep living through your twenties before your heart gives out.   Despite the fact you'll be severely malnourished, you'll never be lacking in energy and can party like the rock star you secretly believe yourself to be, alllll nighttt lonnnggg.  While we are on the topic of body and diet, it is ok to starve yourself as long as you claim that you're on a 'cleanse' or a 'fast.'  This is a great way to trick friends and family into believing that you are not the anorexic that they previously thought.  As long as you're starving yourself in the name of good health (can you say 'kale and wheat grass juice'?), no one will question the fact your weight never goes above 100 lbs.  Also, while on the topic of body and diet, consider body modification.  Most hipsters have at least one or two tattoos (the hard core hipsters get sleeves or tats on their collar bone/chest area).  Make sure it is something that makes people think.  Something symbolic and spiritual, something totally ironic (like 'fuck you' on your knuckles), or something classic (like a half naked woman on your forearm) are all GREAT tattoo ideas.


2.  Hair and Hair Accessories:  Bleached hair? yes.  Bleached eye brows? Fuck yes.  Bleached hair with pale pink, ombre-tips and grown-in, dark eye brows? Hell to the fucking yes.  The weirder that your hair makes you look, the better.  If you are a natural brunette with black eye brows, you should bleach your hair and leave your eye brows black.  If you are a natural blonde, why not consider chopping your bangs short and dying your hair jet-black?  If you're REALLY at the top of the coolness factor, you'll bleach your hair and then dye it a pastel pink or blue or lavender and throw a flowered- headdress on top of the whole disaster.  SO cool.  You'll look just like a fairy who's purpose in life is dancing around a mushroom circle on Mid-summer night, except in your case, you'll be like a malnourished fairy dancing around drunk at some punk band's concert.  

I look like Lucile Ball dressed as the Chiquita Banana broad, but you get the point... flowered headdresses are SO hot right now.  You can snag one from Urban Oufitters for only $100.  Also notice the heavily-colored in eyebrows.  Sadly for me, I have light hair, so growing dark, caterpillar brows isn't in my cards. 

NEVER ever underestimate the power of the felt hat.  Boater hats are also pretty cool.. as are huge, floppy hats that make you look like you're going to the Kentucky Derby.  

3.  Clothing and Accessories:  It's all about being eclectic and 'original'.  If you're going to wear some saggy-ass mom jeans, make sure you pair them with a crop top or an American Apparel leotard.  Keep in mind that acid wash is all the rage right now; if you can find a Levi's jacket from 1989, you should probably wear that fucker with everything you own.  A denim vest with cut-off sleeves that makes you look like Joe Dirt? DOOOO IT, just throw it over a babydoll dress that looks like it's from the wardrobe department of Reality Bites.  Long, flowy skirts are super cool too right now. Plaid is always in style and don't you forget it.  Vintage band tee-shirts will never go out of style, nor will the high-waisted trend, so milk it for all it's worth.  As for shoes, they should be well-worn saddle shoes or high-end designer booties.  Nothing in between will fly, unless of course you're wearing TOM's.  Don't forget your hipster frames either.  I don't care if you have 20/20 vision, every real hipster needs a pair of thick, black frames to appear intelligent and philosophical.  Just remember that everything matches, and if it doesn't match, well, that's even better.  Your best bet for finding the perfect duds is either the good old Salvation Army, some vintage clothing store that over-charges you for the falling-apart-at-the-seams  dress from 1999, or Nastygal.com.  Also, American Apparel for all of your v-neck t-shirts and skin tight going-out clothes.  

Don't forget your anime-style knee highs.  They've been a popular leg-wear choice of hipsters for about 3 years now and are still going strong, as evidenced by lookbook.nu and all of the girls I saw wearing them on the street today.  You can pair them with anything from denim shorts, to over-all jumpers, to waist-high skirts of all fashions.  

Dear Miley, you can f*ck your pilates. I got these guns doing a real woman's work:  Carrying trays of alcoholic beverages and going up and down stairs at work, also walking pretty much everywhere since I no longer have the luxury of riding in a car. 

American Apparel... you never fail to disappoint.  

4.  Occupation:  If you're one of the fortunate trust-fund hipsters living off of mommy and daddy's hard-earned dollar, congrats- you've basically one a free-ride for life.  If you're a true hipster, you probably won't have an office job or a job requiring you to wear a suit.  Instead you'll be some sort of 'artist.'  Many hipsters are aspiring musicians.  Other's make weird-ass paintings that they are somehow able to sell in high-end, Chelsea galleries because mommy and daddy know the right person.  Some make street art or play instruments on subway platforms- those ones actually seem to have real talent, surprisingly enough and it is truly a shame that they don't make more money.  Personally, I paint for fun (my paintings suck) and write.  I write A LOT.  I like writing because it's the only time I feel like I can say what I need to say without interruption or dismissal.  Most hipsters hold some kind of lame-ass side job to support their true passion, since it is so hard to make money off of an art unless you suck the right dick (jk).  For example, a lot of aspiring actors are waitresses and servers.   A lot of musicians work day jobs in retail stores or doing odd jobs just to make ends meet.  One gets creative when they need to pay rent and have enough money for Oslo coffee and drugs for the weekend. hahahahaha 

5.  Entertainment:  When a hipster has free time, it is either spent on a three-day bender, sleeping in until 2pm after a three day bender, or in 'the studio' (whether it is an art studio, music studio, or some place similar to Andy Warhol's 'studio' where they sit around getting fucked up).  Hipsters love concerts; especially indie concerts.  Any band playing at Terminal 5, The Knitting Factory, Bowery Ballroom, Roseland Ballroom, Webster hall, or your local bar/venue (think Spikehill or Trash Bar) is good by them.  The more obscure and underground, the better.  Hipsters enjoy drinking, smoking weed, and indulging in drugs whether it is only recreationally, or as a habitual addiction.  If you're straight-edge, you're not a real hipster.  Hipsters also love sitting in parks wearing string bikinis, playing sports like kickball in summer leagues, or day drinking on a Tuesday afternoon (as you know, they don't have normal working hours, this is one of the few advantages to being degraded as a server on a nightly basis).  Hipsters also love art-showings, underground raves they hear about via good friends, and events that allow them to dress up and show off their coolness (for example, being invited to a Tribeca Film Festival after-party).  

The Little Things

This video is an oldie but a goodie.  I am listening to it on a loop, because it's giving me positive vibes, and Lord knows I need some positive vibes.  It has been another tumultuous week, brought on mainly by my own stupid and rash decisions, fueled by my fragile and crippled ego.  JK... I feel great.  :D (<----- positive thinking in action; If I keep TELLING myself I feel great, eventually I have to, right?!).  hahaha.  I wish I could go into detail, but for the purposes of this blog, I can't. Let's just say I'm not the person I used to be, I don't even recognize the person I am,  and I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.  It could be both good and bad, only time will tell.  I am trying out this new way of living, where I try not to care so much about certain aspects of life and care more about others... but in reality, we all know I care too much about every aspect of life there is.  I try to act like a bad-ass, but the way I am wired just won't allow me to act bad without intense feelings of remorse, guilt, fear, and sadness.

I really need to try to think more positively.  That is a new goal for this week. We will see how it goes.  It's just hard to think positively when everything that could go wrong GOES wrong.  Last night for example, I was late leaving for work, which is fine, because normally I show up to my shift 15 minutes early... but the Goddamn L train was running at spaced out intervals and took 15 minutes just to show up, and then honked it's horn as it blew threw, not even stopping at the Bedford Ave. platform.  I couldn't wait another 15 min. for the next train to show up, so I blew $30 on a cab.  The cab driver was insane and went like 100mph down West Side Highway, I felt lucky to be alive as I climbed out of the cab.  LOL... shit like that just seems to happen to me all the time.

I quit my internship with Topix Media Lab after one day.  They put me to work researching 'how to become an astronaut' and typing up a timeline on JFK.  If I was getting paid, it'd be one thing, but as I sat there on the most beautiful, sunny day, working for free, I had an epiphany.  I have done my fair share of unpaid work.  I write for Renegade Chicks for no pay, but at least I have free reign over what I can write about- it is my own work, my own thoughts, and I get to express myself as an individual.  I pick topics that are relevant to other woman my age, and It's work I feel good about.  I don't care that I'm not making a single cent, because I like what I do for the site and feel as though I am making a small contribution to the site and its followers.  As I sat at a desk all day basically copying other people's words and thoughts to compile into a timeline, and thought about the fact I wasn't even getting paid to be sitting there, I figured I was wasting precious time.  I only felt slightly remorseful about resigning, but whatever.  If they aren't willing to pay me, it's not worth it at this particular point in my life.  Interns are a dime a fucking dozen in this city, so I'm sure they'll find lots of eager, kids straight out of college who can afford to work for free with no promise of even being hired at the end of the internship, because they have parents who pay their rent.

I heard back from Sleep No More, and they wanted to "hire" me for the summer internship in the costume department.  Sleep No More is a legit and awesome show that everyone has heard of, however, the thought of working 4 days a week for no pay on top of working another job THAT actually does pay was a daunting thought.  Especially in the summer when the weather is nice.  I mean, last year I worked all fucking summer and missed out on my family vacation to Maine.  That's never happening again.  Besides, the intern position their sounded pretty pointless for someone such as myself who already has tons of unpaid costuming experience.  The costumes are all already built, so basically I'd be responsible for doing laundry (fuck that shit... If I'm washing someone's scrubby, sweaty clothes, I better be getting paid), doing minor repairs (pointless- I am an excellent seamstress and want some challenging work), and laying out the actor's costumes before the show goes on each night.  Sigh... I just want to do something I love doing AND get paid for it.  I've been applying for other jobs non-stop. It's just such a vicious cycle... especially when half the 'jobs' you find are unpaid internships.


I'll end this post with some positive, thoughts (*sings* "When the dog bites, when the beee stinnnngs, when I'm feeeeeling ssaaaadddd, I simply remember my favorite things, and thennnn I don't feeeellll soooooo baaaaaaddddd!!!!!). hahahaha.   It's almost time for the lilacs to bloom! My favorite flowers... this means I need to go upstate and get some greenery in my life ASAP to enjoy them before they've bloomed and fallen off.  I have been determined to try to make lilac wine for the past three years (clearly inspired by Jeff Buckley's version of 'lilac wine'), so I would REALLY love to make an effort to follow through with this fantasy and try it. My book is nearing completion.  I can definitely finish the first draft by the end of this month as long as I spend an hour a day writing.  I am so lucky I have friends who have been putting up with me these past couple weeks (I've definitely been the worst version of myself I could possibly be) and they have yet to have abandoned me.  Hopefully I climb out of this hole I'm in soon before I drive them away. lol.    I am lucky my niece is so adorable, because cuddling her is better than cuddling ceely or Bijou, and that is really saying something.  Plus despite the fact she is only 10 months old, she is hilarious.  Despite the fact that Highline Ballroom is not always the most lucrative place to be employed, I work with truly awesome people... fun, down to earth, friendly people, and I am thankful for that.  Plus I get to name drop and listen to awesome music and I find whenever I'm hostessing, I meet the coolest random people. haha.  Hmmm.... oh, I'm also thankful the weather is warmer and laying out on the terrace is an option.  

When you feel like giving up

I've been having a rough week... actually, more of a rough month and a rough year.  Life is harder than I ever thought it would be.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but certainly not my current life.  I think maybe I was read too many fairytales as a young child or maybe I am still too much of a day-dreamer.  It's just that I get these sweet, little fantasies in my head of the way things should be, or how I want things to go, and then reality is a hard, cold, slap across my face.  I am starting my internship with Topix Media Labs tomorrow, and I'm excited but kind of nervous.  I am going to have NO time left to myself (which is probably a good thing in my case... less time to think about things) with my job at Highline and the internship.  I also had an interview with Webster Hall for a bottle server position in the VIP lounge and am still waiting to hear back from that.  We will see.  If I get that I'll probably never sleep or go out again as there will never be time to myself.  It will keep me out of trouble... that is for sure.  I am currently sunning my ass on the terrace, with a sheet thrown over my laptop and head in a mini, tent-like fashion, since the sun was too bright for me to see the screen. hahaha... I probably look like a real freak right now.  Maybe I should SPF my legs.... don't want to repeat the day I passed out naked on the deck at home and woke up with a severe burn all over my legs, back and ass.

I have been so depressed lately.  Being single is harder than I ever thought it would be.  I know that I wanted to be single for a while after getting out of my three year relationship, and I thought it would be good for me... and I suppose it is good for me, it's just such a hard transition to go from constant attention and reassurance and love to, well...nothingness.  The dating scene in NYC is completely different from the ballpark I was dealing with three years ago when I was still in school and single.  Everyone I've gone out with basically just wants sex; I just want some fucking companionship.  I know I knock my body and the way I look a lot, but as of late the only positive affirmations I get are solely based on the way I look.  I'm starting to wonder if I have some kind of major personality flaw I'm completely oblivious too that makes people disinterested (maybe it's because I'm insane...).  Maybe I should stop listening to Sigur Rios, and Radiohead... it's not helping these feelings of complete and utter despairity (<--- apparently that isn't a real word).  Thank God for the friends that deal with me when I call them freaking out and in a state of tears... I don't know where I would be if I didn't have people that care about me right now, pretty fucking hopeless.

Last night was another hip hop show and on top of my ears almost bleeding from the awful fucking music by the end of the night, I had a terrible contact high from all the people smoking joints in my section ( I was waiting on Miguel and his crew).  I also had one table walk out on a check.  I'm so fucking sick of waiting on people... that is not what I intended to be doing with my life at this point, and half the nights I work, it isn't even worth it.  I guess I should still be lucky I have a job... even if it makes me hate humanity.  I just want something to look forward to again.

I had the most amazing time in Albany this past weekend and I'm still emotionally hungover I think.  You know when you just have such a perfect, great, and fun time with friends and then it's all over and it's back to the grind, and you are depressed because every day can't be filled with fun?  Yeah, it's now Wednesday and I'm still feeling that way.  OMG... I really need to stop listening to radiohead. hahaha.  I'm going to finish my book this month- I suppose that is something to look forward to.  Maybe I can find a publisher after I edit it a billion times... probably not though, because who would ever want to read what I have to say? Jk... clearly YOU do, if you're still reading this godforesaken blog of mine ;) hahah.   I miss my girlfriends and family so much.  I miss having girlfriends around that I can drink shitty wine with on a random weekday night and bitch about boys to.  I miss having girlfriends with inside jokes and shared memories.  I am sad I can't go home this weekend with my sister and brother in law since I have work.  My entire family is going out to celebrate my younger brother's 21st and Mother's day (a weekend early, yes... that is how were doing it).  I miss my pets.  I think I need prozac. I also think I need to gain some weight because I can feel my pubic bone and ribs digging into the wood I'm laying on.  San Loco is sounding mighty good right now.

As per usual, I'll leave you with some shitty selfies, because at the end of the day, I'm still a terrible narcissist.  ..... someone come save me.

I might start living in this romper... it is so comfy and flattering. 

My Elton John Stunners... I need a fucking tan.