I started thinking long and hard the other day about all of those "lists" that you read on BuzzFeed, etc. You know what I'm talking about? The shit people on your Facebook feed are constantly posting links to: "Twenty-Five things to do Before You Turn 25," "What You Need to Realize Before You Hit 30." Well guys, I want to write a list about the real deal... the down low and dirty shit no one actually talks about. I call it:
10 Low-down, Dirty Raw Doggin' Shitty Things No One Every Speaks About in Their Twenties
1. You will think about suicide once a month-
Whether you are like I was when I was 24 and working as a server at a venue that had 4 dark days out of 7, wondering how you were going to pay rent with about $5 in your checking account, living off of a bag of frozen peas and a loaf of stale bread every week (but I was so beautiful and thin... sigh), crying multiple times a day and calling home once a week for money, or whether you have just gotten dumped by your very first boyfriend and feel as though it's the end of the world because all of your friends' prioritize drinking and whoring themselves before consoling you with shitty comedies and a pizza night the way that REAL girlfriends are supposed to, life in your twenties can be damn lonely and damn desperate at times. When you think you've hit rock bottom, just remind yourself of your one friend that is more of a mess than you (you know, the one who has slept with too many people to count, has a nasty coke habit, can't keep a job, and sucks dick for the finer things in life). Also, call your parents, because at the end of the shitty, fucking, lonely, desolate day of contemplating suicide, they're actually, probably, the only ones that will give a fuck if you live or die (because they have to pay your funeral expenses) and come to your aid whether it is emotionally or financially (the rest of your friends will probably be partying and high on MDMA or chasing the cock of the month).
2. You Will Still be a Poor Piece of Shit Unless You've Already Lucked Out With a Dream Job
No matter how much your friends on Facebook like to brag about how much they fucking love their jobs, we all know that unless you've graduated pharmacy school, law school, or some sort of trade school, chances are, the jobs you will hold in your twenties make shit. I don't care if you love your co workers so fucking much that you consider them your best friends, or if your job throws awesome office parties, chances are it still only pays well enough to cover the cost of your NYC rent and monthly metro card (and that is IF you are lucky... many of us poor slobs have to take on two jobs just to cover the cost of NYC rent). You are not alone if you have to feel guilt every time you go out for a few drinks or buy yourself some new shoes. It really fucking sucks having to shell out 50% of your monthly income for rent and student loans. It really fucking sucks having to choose one night a week to go out because you can't afford to go out multiple nights and still afford to buy food for the upcoming week. I can tell you honestly, and I can only do so because those days are behind me now, but their were weeks of my life when cream for my coffee was a fucking luxury. A LUXURY. Growing up in a nice, middle-class home, you never dream of the day when you will realize you only have enough money in your account that you have to choose between buying a four-pack of toilet paper, or some dish soap. I kid you not. I mean, I already told you about the summer I was living off a bag of rice and some frozen peas. I have no shame... I can't have shame because the older I get, the more I have realized I wasn't alone in my struggle.
3. There Will Come a Time When You Realize Your Only Friends Are Your Siblings or Parents
In your twenties, chances are you will be going out and getting fucked up.. A LOT. You will meet some really awesome party people with some really awesome drugs. These people are fun, but they aren't real. No. The only people you can ever depend on besides yourself, are your parents, and maybe your siblings. Some of us will be lucky if we have a few good and honest friends that pick up the phone when we call crying and suicidal at 3am, or a single friend who you know will come cry with you and smoke you up on a Saturday afternoon when you've confessed via text that you don't know if you can possibly make it another week working at the same dead-end job. True friends are few and far between in your twenties. Let's face it, the world revolves around us. We are all the center of our own worlds, and we all have pretty jacked priorities when we are in our twenties. For most of us, priorities revolve around making money to live, and then spending that money we make to chase fun or chase potential mates (if we are single that is). That's just how life works. Don't feel discouraged when the person you thought was a good friend doesn't pick up their phone at 2am because they're at the coolest party ever, and don't feel bad when that other person that you thought was a really good friend picks up the phone and tells you that they can't come over because they have period cramps on a lazy Sunday afternoon when you've confessed you just really need someone there with you because your boyfriend dumped you and you hate life. It's times like these you will be lucky to have siblings who know you inside and out and actually care about your well-being. It's times like these you are lucky that your dad loves you enough to pick up the phone at 4am when You're having an anxiety attack and can't breath through the tears. It's times like these when you should have a secret stash of xanax on hand because that is your ONE TRUE FRIEND IN THIS WORLD.
4. Easy Come, Easy Go, Little High, Little (or Major) Low
Yes, I just quoted a Queen song... because Freddy fucking knows, man. The highest highs you will ever experience are undoubtedly in your twenties. The problem with the highest highs, is that they are followed by the lowest, mother fucking lows. I'm talking sobbing uncontrollably for days on end because the weekend bender Upstate, that you've been planning and looking forward to for months, is over. When it's over, it's back to the reality that you hate, and the fact that you feel as if your reality is never actually going to change. If You are confused about what constitutes as a 'come down,' please refer to #1 (SUICIDE). If you've been spending your entire pay check in two nights, and have been out all, weekend long, rolling major-balls and blowing lines in between, meeting new/awesome party people, feeling good, and generally just neglecting all of your concerns, fears, the hatred you feel towards your job/boss/normal society, and the fact that your rent just increased $200, chances are you are gonna crash and burn like a motha' fucka' when you finally come down or go home from that after-hours party. No one wants to go from feeling like the king of the world (or like Uma Thurman's character in Pulp Fiction) to a lonely apartment with a barren fridge, an empty bed, and an empty soul. It's not fun escaping the sad confines of working reality in a party setting where you own the game, only to come back down to that black hole that leads you to go get fucked up in the first place. I can honestly say I've had more fun in my later twenties than I ever had in college or during my early twenties. However, I can also say that regrouping after such extreme fun has become increasingly hard because mommy and daddy aren't around to stop you from going out 4 nights in a row, and your college roomie isn't there to tell you "no" when you want to pull out the drugs at 6pm. When the come down is this bad, it's time for Xanax. Or pizza. Or sleep. Or all three. A good cry in the tub also helps. Or crying for three days on end until your boyfriend threatens to leave you... whichever comes first to snap you out of it.
5. When All of Your Friends Bail After saying "Oh Yeah, I'll come!"
Please refer to #3. You're friends are fake kid! Like I already said, the best friends you'll ever have are the ones you made when you were 7, the ones you peed in bathtubs with in college, or your siblings. There just is no in between. No. Most of the friends you acquire throughout your twenties are good for partying or the occasional hang out in a chill Sunday type setting, but don't count on people to follow through with anything to which they commit. I don't care if you're paying for the whole goddamn weekend. It's hard to get people to commit to something like a couple days out of town, coming to a party with copious amounts of booze, or even a girl's night. Again people, it's the fact that the world revolves around us... the fact that our priorities revolve around us, and the fact that no one has money. It's a sad reality, but it is what it is. Most people are too consumed chasing the dick/p*ssy du jour around town to let it go for a couple of days, or too consumed with something else that comes up and looks more fun than whatever bullshit you've planned previously.
6. You Will End up The Last One to Be Engaged, Married, Pregnant, or With three Kids.
Yes. Yes, yes yes YES YESSSSSSS... I mean, I don't want kids right now, or anytime soon. I swear to you when I say, that EVERY TIME you log onto Facebook for the day, at least ONE new person on your newsfeed will either be 1) Engaged 2) Having a Wedding 3)Announcing a pregnancy 4)Showing off a bullshit ring on their fat fucking hand 4)Showing a sonogram 5) Having the actual kid 6) bragging about how smart their 1 year old is. Now, I understand that we are growing up and this is a natural progression of things. However, I don't need to know that your kid won't sleep for shit as you openly post things like "Hey all of my Mommy Friends, what do you do when your baby won't go to bed". Ew... "mommy friends?" aren't they real people? I don't brag about the fact that I just stayed up until 5am partying because I have no kids, so why are you announcing that your kid peed in the potty to the entire world? There is a time and a place for everything. I'm not against posting pictures of kids etc... but when you start detailing your feeding routine and treating all of Facebook like it's a goddamn mommy board, it's just not cool. Maybe I should start asking open questions on Facebook to all of my party friends, like "Hey all party peeps, my best friend has been up all night vomiting from some bad drugs, anyone have any party peeps advice about how I can make her feel better and keep her hydrated?" Thanks.
7. The Never Ending Story (AKA. The Never Ending Search for a Better Job)
Yes, this is the true story of my life. MTV should do a "Real Life: I go on interviews every week but still don't get hired." I don't fucking get it. I think it's because I live in NYC so the competition is fierce... like, I'm talking, I don't get the job, because after I walk out, someone with the same skills and education comes in but they have fake lips and are a foot taller... so they get it. Yes. That must be it. At this point, I should really just make a career of applying to and interviewing for jobs. All of the time and energy I put into scouring indeed.com/craigslist/findspark.com, etc., should really be compensated. I'm pretty sure that in addition to my 43 hour work-work weeks, I spend an additional 43 hours applying to and searching for potential jobs. It's a real ball buster, let me tell you. I used to feel sad when I didn't hear back, but now I just laugh. I'm gonna burn all these mother fuckers who didn't hire me someday when I finally get my book published, and they're the motivation behind it. It sucks to be me, but I wouldn't have it any other way... you know why? Because it's pretty fucking laughable at this point. Like my mom said, maybe it is this blog... maybe, this is why I don't get hired ;) :)
8. DRINK DRINK DRINK
Enough said- it's the one thing that will keep you stabilized, and the one thing that might also set you off like a fucking atomic bomb.
9. Did I mention the Party People You will meet?
I've met some real crazy, cool peeps these past few years. Even if they aren't my best friends, they're cooler than they people you hang out with.
10. My Poor Boyfriend, My poor friends, My poor family, and Everyone who sees me cry
Make sure you let all of the people who actually do give a shit about you know that you also give a shit about them. Tell people you love them when you love them, don't take the real friends for granted, don't take you father, mother, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, or significant other for granted, for they are the only ones that will love you even after you mentally abuse them in the midst of a break down. Make sure you are good to them when you can be. And the most important thing is karma: Make sure that you take care of them when they are having a moment/breakdown/comedown/suicidal thoughts. I would go to the end of the world to make a friend or loved one feel better if I know they would do the same for me.
