I'm not sure what has gotten into me today, it might be the weather that just won't quit, the job that I loathe, or the constant uncertainty that has been plaguing me for the majority of my twenties thus far and is coming to another peak as I approach another birthday. I had a great date with my boyfriend last night, have thus far been having an easy week at work, and yet, somehow, I proceeded to wake up severely emo today, despite the fact that I have the day off and am going out tonight. I think maybe it's the weather. It's just so ugly in this city when it snows after Christmas has passed. Even if it snows upstate, at least the white stays white, and the snow lands on trees and hills and houses in the country. The snow never stays white here and quickly becomes polluted, sloppy, and a mess that just adds to the depressing look of the concrete streets, concrete buildings, and the cold, grey skyline... I think it's quite metaphorical now that I think about it... nothing in this Godforesaken city can stay pure for long. Sigh.
I just need to get out for a few days before I have a breakdown. I spent all afternoon applying to writing jobs... PAID writing jobs... no internships allowed. I have no hopes at all, because I've learned the hard way that no matter how confident you are in your own abilities, you should never hope to hear back from anyone when applying to jobs, this way it is simply a very happy surprise if you should hear back. I've been thinking a lot about some very depressing things these past couple of weeks... I'm also blaming that on the weather. I've seen an increase in homeless people, and at this point, I don't even know if I necessarily feel sorry for them anymore. I mean, I do feel sympathy.... it is sad to see someone that has the shakes because they're going through withdrawals and no one will sit in a ten foot radius of them on the subway, and you can smell them from the other side of the subway car. It's sad that they don't get the help they need, or have anyone in their life to help them. However, recently, I find myself feeling disgusted when I smell/see these individuals. It's so obnoxious when you're on the subway at 7am and someone speaking slurred jibberish (because they're clearly fucked on alcohol) walks by you jingling a cup full of change at you when you are going to bust your ass at a job you hate for 10 hours just to pay your bills. Furthermore, it's disgusting when you're so tired you could die after a 15 hour work day, can't find a cab do to the rain, are forced to take the subway, and then find yourself sitting across from the dirtiest, smelliest motherfucker you've ever seen and he keeps feeling his nether regions and staring lustfully at every female on the train. I hate this city so much at times like these...
The other night I left my hostessing job at Highline and it was cold and rainy so it was impossible to find a cab at 2:30 am. I was forced to wait 20 minutes for the L train to arrive at the 8th Ave station, and then when I boarded the train, I am convinced I was the only sober person on it. As the train crawled along at 10mph due to construction, I was subjected to the smelly, horny homeless man across from me, some dude who wouldn't stop staring at me, a flamer who kept shouting obscenities in his flamer lisp, an obnoxious and unattractive couple PDAing in the middle of the car, and several other drunk/loud/obnoxious people that made the 25 minute ride back to Williamsburg what can only be described as Hell on Earth. I love this city, but I swear to God, I hate this city at times like these. I exited the subway and had a good cry as soon as I got home. Sometimes the subway is just the icing on the effing cake....
Another thing that has been adding to my stress is a fear of getting old(er). I know that no one really ever wants to get old, and that there is nothing anyone can do to prevent it, but recently my fears of growing old have been intensified by life in this city. I personally like myself more now than I ever did when I was 21... I am much more confident, in way better shape, way more put together, and way smarter than I was four years ago. However, everytime I go out on the town, I start to consider all of the benefits to being young and female. Men aren't going to hit on me forever... it's only a matter of time before that stops. I'm not saying that I depend on people's attention to validate myself, but it is nice to have people compliment you. It's also nice to have people buy you drinks, or simply give you drugs... what happens when you're too old and people don't give you the time of day anymore? I hope that by that point in my life, I will be so content with myself that I just won't give a shit. I never thought I was the kind of person that was shallow enough to consider botox, but I think that maybe I should start saving up for the future... is that idiotic? Yes, I know that answer to my own question... it's stupid. So why have I been feeling this way??? Most people fear growing old because they fear that they might not accomplish their hopes and dreams, or they are scared of dying. I am fairly confident that eventually I will have the life that I want, because I am a hard worker and fairly determined not to settle. I am mostly just terrified of wrinkles and losing my youthful appeal and wild charm...jk.... my wild side is anything but charming ;) Just a sloppy mess... :D I am also a control freak, so the fact that I can't control the aging process drives me insane.
In an ideal situation, I would be rich enough to have an apartment here but also a huge house in the middle of nowhere or in some small, coastal town so I could escape whenever I wanted to and go out here when I wanted to. Well, at least we have some Perry Farrell "Been Caught Stealing" on Pandora now to lift me spirits. I think what I need, is a good week of partying, followed by a good, long week of self reflection laying naked on the beach.... Yes, that sounds like the cure for the winter blues. All I want is to find a job that allows me to be fulfilled and has decent hours, or to get rich enough that I never have to work a steady job again. I keep brainstorming ways to do this... I would happily just settle for a creative job though if I must work. I miss my girlfriends tremendously right now. I really need a good, sloppy, wild night out with my girlfriends.... that is the cure all to everything. Until you wake up emotionally hungover the next day and have to go back to reality again....
Oh well, I will keep applying for jobs in the *non existent* hope that perhaps someone will give me a chance, and I will also plan a mini escape for my bday into the middle of nowhere so my brain can take some time off from the city grind and the reality accompanying it. Thank God for my friends, family and boyfriend that continue to keep me as sane as they possibly can while I figure my life out. I always think to myself that I can't possibly be this confused and messy forever. Someday I will wake up, and everything will be in it's place and I will feel content with the world and with myself. Until that day though, I will have monthly mental collapses, wild nights in/out, and occasionally wake up emo and have a good long cry while listening to shitty music. I swear I am a happy person... extremely happy at times, it's just this fucking weather and this time of year.... I need some nature in my life. Maybe a massage.... but for tonight, I will settle for a few drinks with my sister. I'll leave you with some pics since I've been extremely negligent these past few months....
New Year's Eve... I'll never wear white to a party again. I think this dress has been put out to pasture officially after only two wears.
A couple of days after New Year's Eve... I almost was crushed to death. What a memorable night....with some very memorable bruises....
And a slutty little selfie, because lord knows I don't post nearly enough of these anymore.... I know you all missed them.
