I cannot take credit for that awesome title ^. My best friend invented the idea somewhere in 2009 when she confessed she was craving chocolate covered strawberries late, one night, and having no access to a grocery store, was so desperate for some, that she considered taking strawberry Pop-tarts and pouring Hershey's syrup over them. LMAO... thusly, the idea for the 'Po' Bitch's Guide to Life' was contrived. Seeing as how my hard-earned savings has dwindled and I am now relying on my income to pay upcoming bills, I've been living a bit more conservatively as of late. It really made me think about the summer of 2009, when my friend told me the chocolate-covered-strawberry story, and all of the ghetto shit that I have done in my life due to lack of funds. I am now going to write the entirety of 'The Po' Bitch's Guide to Living,' for your reading pleasure:
Every woman finds herself near the edge of destitution at some point in her life; for most, the age is during your college years or early twenties. You are either living off of your student loans and struggling to budget yourself (remember how rich you felt when that $2,500 check arrived in September/January?), or you are paying off your student loans, working at an entry-level job, and thusly broke as hell. Now, if you were like the majority, you failed to consider unexpected expenses into your student loan budget- like the cost of 'real' food (no, Carlo Rossi doesn't count), oil changes, random school supplies, etc. Instead, you probably thought to yourself, "Let's see; I have enough to pay for books, the cost of rent for the next four months, oh... and this leaves me with $400 to spend on clothes and booze!". WRONG. How many times did you find yourself three months deep into the semester, and calling home because you needed some money to make rent that month? I bet you wished you'd never gone on that $300, Forever 21 shopping spree two months prior to that moment of desperation.... Or, you may have found yourself rolling change; it might be your own change, or maybe change from your brother's change jar: Enter the 'Po' Bitch's Strategies for Making Rent.'
I can't tell you how many times I panicked when I realized I'd spent my last $60 buying two cases of beer and a couple bottles of wine for a party. Especially on a part-time, Claire's salary, when you knew your next check was a week away, and rent is due tomorrow. Enter panic mode. First, you decide that it's perfectly OK if your dietary staple for the next week is the bag of carrots in your fridge (hey, you wanted to lose a few pounds anyway, now you have no choice foo'!). Next, you think of all the places you can allocate funding from. In my case, I would drive home and do chores for my grandma. It was great because I never actually had to humiliate myself by asking for money, per se, she would just hand over a $50 because I vacuumed under her bed and made her some cookies. A bit shameful yes- but you can't think of it as taking money from the elderly; she wanted to give that money to you; she loves you... and besides, she had no intention of spending it on anything of importance or necessity anyhow. Thank God for grandmas. Next, you count all of your change- change you find in your car, change from under the couch, all of the loose change in your purse, change from your dad's dresser, wherever you can scrounge the change, you count it. If you have the luxury of doing other odd jobs for people, you put all of those meager earning towards rent as well (in my case, I used to clean the church every other week for like, $60). If all else fails, call home crying. I always had enough shame that I didn't need to force this cry; I was usually tired, emotionally fragile, and desperate when I made that call, so the tears flowed naturally. My mom and dad were always reluctant (I don't blame them... I shouldn't have spent so much fucking money on gourmet cheeses when I was in college), but always came through. Thank God for parents!
Now, we know what usually made you so broke to begin with; spending money in places that were completely unnecessary. For me, that was parties. I threw many, many a theme party in college... and being the overly nice bitch that I was, I would always provide booze (hey, that's part of the reason my parties were so awesome and well-attended... no one is going to have a good time if it's BYOB). I would usually end up spending around $80-$90 on alcohol, which is technically way more than I every should have. In college, peeps aren't too picky about the booze they're throwing down their gullet; so to save money, I would buy cases of budlight, a couple bottles of Barton's vodka (can you say, 'hangover'?) for the jungle juice, and a couple jugs of Carlo Rossi for some homemade sangria. Needless to say, everyone had an awesome time, and a killer hangover the next day. Party decorations can be made to save money as well. For a floozy-themed party, my friend and I made our very own stripper pole (real ones go for upwards of $300). We purchased and cut-down to size a 11 ft. PVC tube, and spray painted it silver, and managed to wedge it between the floor and ceiling. The thing was so popular, it became a permanent installment in the livingroom. BAM! Po' Bitch's guide to throwing a party.
Moving onto the 'Po' Bitch's Quick Fix for Minor Issues.' I cannot even begin to describe the number of times I have fixed something or done something myself, without ever needing the services of a professional contractor, or even the "necessary" equipment. When I moved into my very first college apartment, I was painting the walls with a friend, before any furnishings or clothing had been moved in. As we sat there painting and drinking Red Cat (yes, we were very classy in those days), we realized how hungry we were. We bought a pizza and had no cookie sheet on which to bake it; so we baked it right on the over rack. When we took it out, we put it in a clean, paint-tray. Voila! Problem solved. Other times, I would find myself rigging a ceiling light and in need of some nails or tools I did not possess. We had a tiled ceiling in that apartment, and so I hung this awesome, pendant light I owned with garbage ties... I kid you not. I couldn't put nails in the ceiling tiles, could I?! That thing fell down if a strong wind came along (or a drunk, gargantuan), but those garbage ties did the job. I also remember a few years ago, when my favorite pair of espadrilles developed a flapping toe- you know, when the sole separates from the rest of the shoe? I took some super-glue and fixed that shit right up. I didn't have the funds for a new pair of $60 shoes to wear to that upcoming party, so I took matters into my own hands. And when you are too lazy to go to the laundromat, or don't have access to a washer and dryer, there is a quick fix for keeping those clothes fresh: febreeze, a lint-roller/or shipping tape (in a pinch) and a spritz of perfume....as fresh as if they had just come from the dryer!
'Po Bitch's Guide to Dining on a Budget.' As I mentioned before, I would often spend my money in very foolish ways... what 21 year old college student drops $40 on goat cheese, organic tomatoes, proscuitto, and a bottle of wine? Or makes shrimp scampi for her date? This one did. When I wanted to impress some one by making dinner for them, I would usually pull out all the stops. However, this usually landed me in a state of starvation by the end of the month, and I would have to find innovative and clever ways to use whatever ingredients could be scrounged up in my bare-bones cupboards. I can't tell you how many times I made a frozen pizza last me 4 days. One comes up with some pretty creative dishes when all they have are some flour tortillas, a half-empty jar of marinara, and some string cheese (in this case, I would make a Po' Bitch Pizza, btw). Whether it's living off that container of yogurt all week, or using the remainder of that box of pasta to toss with some garlic salt and butter, one does what they must to prevent actual starvation. Surprisingly, I was not as thin as I am now in college... probably because half my diet consisted of booze, and all too often, the only thing left in my cupboard was a jar of peanut butter, so I would live on that for a week.
For all of the financial struggle I have faced in the past, and for any financial struggle I may face down the road, there is always a means to making ends meet if one thinks like a Po' bitch would in the given situation. As another friend told me earlier when I was joking that I might be poor soon, "There is no shame in being poor, it's just a goddamn inconvenience." True that... except for the time when I had to go home and my gas tank was empty, and my bank account was at $5, and I had to run into the gas station with $2 to put half a gallon of gas in my tank... that might have been shameful. Or asking my parents for money... that was always shameful too. Hmm... perhaps there is less truth to that statement than I thought. ;) I have a job interview tomorrow and one on Tuesday, so let's hope I don't end up resorting to my po'bitch tactics come March.
