What's Done is Done

I officially put in my two weeks' notice on Saturday ( I wanted to do it Thursday but my ballz hadn't dropped yet). haha.  JK.  It wasn't as bad as I thought It would be.  I only felt remotely bad about putting in my two weeks when I did because one of our MITs was just transferred to Syracuse and another manager is relocating to Watertown, but that's not my issue...or even their issue.  That's our District Manager's issue.  Maybe if the company didn't shaft us and under-pay us for the amount of time and work they expect us to put in, or the level of stress we have to deal with, they wouldn't have such a high turn over rate.  As soon as I put my two weeks in, I started feeling better; Life was looking up and I felt truly free.  I am now searching for jobs in any creative line of work in the city.  We will see what happens.  I was so happy and feeling so liberated, I wanted to treat myself to a minor shopping spree at Forever21 online and buy myself that $88 rose covered sweater from American Apparel.  However, I refrained from treating myself and by convincing myself I didn't need more clothes I would never get to wear and by telling myself my savings would be better spent on apartment furnishings down the road or better yet, saved.  I have already allocated my $10,000 saving to be spent on an apartment deposit and furnishings like this:   (oh, you'd better believe I already have what my new place will look like planned out in my dreamy little mind)!

Gustav Klimt's "Water Snakes"- my favorite artist along with Van Gogh... I'd hang this as the focal point of the entire apartment.  It's so sensual and sexy; the colors are so rich; and the redhead looks like me... hahaha

This chair is fun and modern; and since it's from Urban Outfitters, it wouldn't break my purse

This couch is actually a pull-out sleeper sofa; perfect for guests!  It's only $779, so I wouldn't expect it to last forever, but I think it would be my priciest investment and look pretty sweet.

This is pretty cool as well; I'd hang it above my TV I think.   I also thought about taking some antlers from my dad's collection and painting them in a glossy black paint and using them as wall art... it'd be cheaper and much more original.  

I found this Trompe L'oeil wall paper at Urbanoutfitter's and think it'd be an excellent way to section off the kitchen/dining area from the living section of the studio apartment.  

I've loved this ceiling lamp ever since first laying eyes on it at IKEA.  I would either hang it in the living area or above the kitchenette table. 

And of course, every NYC aparment needs a classic IKEA sheepskin rug for a cheap, fab, fashion fix. 

I naturally am aware that none of this will be purchased until I have secured a new job, but it gives me something to look forward to.  I love decorating.  I already have some awesome coffee table books and an awesome coffee table I inherited from my brother in law that I plan to paint in a glossy black paint.  I can't wait to entertain in my own space again.  I miss the days of having my own apartment to throw parties in or just casually have people over for wine and cheese.  Living under the same roof as my rents for the past two years has saved money, but it's been the pits.  I mean, I'm sitting here right now listening to my parents fight over a faucet... good times.

I just need to get away from here.  Today I went to visit my grandma and do some cleaning for her and she told me I was too thin and that my boyfriend was probably 'running around with other girls.'  Thanks for always making me feel good about myself grandma.  Not to play the 'Angelina' card, but I'm pretty fucking stressed and sad right now, and it's hard to eat normal meals considering my random job doesn't allow me normal meal breaks.  Now I'm considering implants, veneers, and maybe some facial fillers.   I don't even know what the state of my relationship is right now to be honest.  We decided we were going on a break, yet my boyfriend has been contacting me more than ever, acting like we aren't even on a break.  It was all I could do to say 'no' to going to the Bloc Party concert with him on the 7th for his birthday, the only thing truly preventing me from going was the fact that I didn't want to hang out with one of the girls he hooked up with once upon a time.  I miss him so much, and I still love him, I just want him to do what he needs to do to get his life on the track to success.  I'm trying to do the same.  I thought this break would be a good thing, but it hasn't even really been a break for the past few weeks we've been calling it that.  We agreed we are allowed to see other people, and he has sworn up and down he doesn't want to be with anyone else.  I believe him when he says this.  I probably should go see other people, but there is no one to see as far as I'm concerned.  And I don't want to be with other people if I still love him in my heart.  I'd feel like I was cheating on him.  So I'm focusing on making my life the best that it can be independently; moving out, relocating, getting a better job... maybe traveling.  I go through random funks of complete emo-ness, where I wonder where I went wrong and wonder If I'm making the right decisions for my future.  I fight urges to go buy myself a giant bottle of wine or champagne and drink myself into oblivion while sobbing to Radiohead.  I fight the urge to go get a xanax prescription from my doctor (lord knows I could get one easily if I really wanted to) and zone out listening to massive attack.  Then I tell myself this is all for the best and tell myself I am free to do what I want.  I tell myself that alcohol will only make me more emo and hungover, and I tell myself I am strong and I don't need a pathetic crutch in the form of a prescription medication.

I don't want to get old.  I don't ever want to be co-dependent.  I don't want to hate my job.  I just want to be happy.  I want to be successful and doing something I am passionate about... something creative.  I just want to go places and see things.  I want a house on the beach where I can sip mimosas and st. germaine cocktails as the stars come out.  If I work hard enough, and make smart decisions... I can have this life.

I worked on my book today and made decent progress.  I want to finish it by the end of September.