What's Done is Done

I officially put in my two weeks' notice on Saturday ( I wanted to do it Thursday but my ballz hadn't dropped yet). haha.  JK.  It wasn't as bad as I thought It would be.  I only felt remotely bad about putting in my two weeks when I did because one of our MITs was just transferred to Syracuse and another manager is relocating to Watertown, but that's not my issue...or even their issue.  That's our District Manager's issue.  Maybe if the company didn't shaft us and under-pay us for the amount of time and work they expect us to put in, or the level of stress we have to deal with, they wouldn't have such a high turn over rate.  As soon as I put my two weeks in, I started feeling better; Life was looking up and I felt truly free.  I am now searching for jobs in any creative line of work in the city.  We will see what happens.  I was so happy and feeling so liberated, I wanted to treat myself to a minor shopping spree at Forever21 online and buy myself that $88 rose covered sweater from American Apparel.  However, I refrained from treating myself and by convincing myself I didn't need more clothes I would never get to wear and by telling myself my savings would be better spent on apartment furnishings down the road or better yet, saved.  I have already allocated my $10,000 saving to be spent on an apartment deposit and furnishings like this:   (oh, you'd better believe I already have what my new place will look like planned out in my dreamy little mind)!

Gustav Klimt's "Water Snakes"- my favorite artist along with Van Gogh... I'd hang this as the focal point of the entire apartment.  It's so sensual and sexy; the colors are so rich; and the redhead looks like me... hahaha

This chair is fun and modern; and since it's from Urban Outfitters, it wouldn't break my purse

This couch is actually a pull-out sleeper sofa; perfect for guests!  It's only $779, so I wouldn't expect it to last forever, but I think it would be my priciest investment and look pretty sweet.

This is pretty cool as well; I'd hang it above my TV I think.   I also thought about taking some antlers from my dad's collection and painting them in a glossy black paint and using them as wall art... it'd be cheaper and much more original.  

I found this Trompe L'oeil wall paper at Urbanoutfitter's and think it'd be an excellent way to section off the kitchen/dining area from the living section of the studio apartment.  

I've loved this ceiling lamp ever since first laying eyes on it at IKEA.  I would either hang it in the living area or above the kitchenette table. 

And of course, every NYC aparment needs a classic IKEA sheepskin rug for a cheap, fab, fashion fix. 

I naturally am aware that none of this will be purchased until I have secured a new job, but it gives me something to look forward to.  I love decorating.  I already have some awesome coffee table books and an awesome coffee table I inherited from my brother in law that I plan to paint in a glossy black paint.  I can't wait to entertain in my own space again.  I miss the days of having my own apartment to throw parties in or just casually have people over for wine and cheese.  Living under the same roof as my rents for the past two years has saved money, but it's been the pits.  I mean, I'm sitting here right now listening to my parents fight over a faucet... good times.

I just need to get away from here.  Today I went to visit my grandma and do some cleaning for her and she told me I was too thin and that my boyfriend was probably 'running around with other girls.'  Thanks for always making me feel good about myself grandma.  Not to play the 'Angelina' card, but I'm pretty fucking stressed and sad right now, and it's hard to eat normal meals considering my random job doesn't allow me normal meal breaks.  Now I'm considering implants, veneers, and maybe some facial fillers.   I don't even know what the state of my relationship is right now to be honest.  We decided we were going on a break, yet my boyfriend has been contacting me more than ever, acting like we aren't even on a break.  It was all I could do to say 'no' to going to the Bloc Party concert with him on the 7th for his birthday, the only thing truly preventing me from going was the fact that I didn't want to hang out with one of the girls he hooked up with once upon a time.  I miss him so much, and I still love him, I just want him to do what he needs to do to get his life on the track to success.  I'm trying to do the same.  I thought this break would be a good thing, but it hasn't even really been a break for the past few weeks we've been calling it that.  We agreed we are allowed to see other people, and he has sworn up and down he doesn't want to be with anyone else.  I believe him when he says this.  I probably should go see other people, but there is no one to see as far as I'm concerned.  And I don't want to be with other people if I still love him in my heart.  I'd feel like I was cheating on him.  So I'm focusing on making my life the best that it can be independently; moving out, relocating, getting a better job... maybe traveling.  I go through random funks of complete emo-ness, where I wonder where I went wrong and wonder If I'm making the right decisions for my future.  I fight urges to go buy myself a giant bottle of wine or champagne and drink myself into oblivion while sobbing to Radiohead.  I fight the urge to go get a xanax prescription from my doctor (lord knows I could get one easily if I really wanted to) and zone out listening to massive attack.  Then I tell myself this is all for the best and tell myself I am free to do what I want.  I tell myself that alcohol will only make me more emo and hungover, and I tell myself I am strong and I don't need a pathetic crutch in the form of a prescription medication.

I don't want to get old.  I don't ever want to be co-dependent.  I don't want to hate my job.  I just want to be happy.  I want to be successful and doing something I am passionate about... something creative.  I just want to go places and see things.  I want a house on the beach where I can sip mimosas and st. germaine cocktails as the stars come out.  If I work hard enough, and make smart decisions... I can have this life.

I worked on my book today and made decent progress.  I want to finish it by the end of September.

Letter of Resignation

I wrote a letter of resignation almost a month ago and have been patiently awaiting the day where I have balls enough to just hand it in, with or without another job lined up.  Tomorrow is the day.  Today at work, this camel's back was broken by the very last straw.  I won't go into detail, but I'd like to throw out there to anyone who even reads this piece of shit blog (since I no longer have a facebook on which to post a link) $14 an hour isn't nearly enough to keep me at this stressful, time consuming, thankless job any longer.  I don't see myself growing with the company, I don't want to stay with a company who supports everything I am ethically and morally against. So, I wrote a formal letter of resignation and bit my tongue the entire time I was typing; I managed to eloquently state that I will be putting in my two weeks notice and bit my tongue even harder as I typed how "grateful I was for the opportunity to work the company and gained so much knowledge and experience"- knowledge and experience as to how much I hate retail, maybe.  haha.  I won't post the real letter of resignation that will be handed in tomorrow, but I will post what the ideal letter of resignation would be if I didn't need a future reference:


Dear ____________,

I'd like to say I am grateful that I have a job in this economy when so many people do not; however, this job has merely served but one purpose for the past nine months- to save money so that I can find a better job and move far away from here.  I will say that I am also grateful to have worked with such a great team of people (minus the one kid who came to work late every day and would often disappear and I would later find him sleeping in the bays of the stockroom while I was busting my ass and trying to run a business).  The only thing I will truly miss about this job are the people that I work with.  Even if I don't hang out with my co-workers on a personal level outside of work (because most are minors and I don't want to be involved with minors and alcohol), I feel like I formed lasting friendships with a handful of co-workers, and I will remember all of the people I have worked with down the road and hold a special place in my heart for them.

The main reason I feel the need to resign from my current position, is the company itself.  Having grown up feeling like I was never pretty enough, and still feeling that way inside most days (despite what feedback I am given from the rest of the world) I cannot morally tolerate the ways in which I am expected to recruit and hire ONLY good looking individuals.  I mean, how can I feel good or non-hypocritical hiring "conventionally" attractive individuals and turning away more qualified workers, when I feel I'm not even up to company standards of attractiveness to be working there myself? I feel like a liar and a hypocrite every time someone voluntarily comes in to apply for a job, and I know they won't even be considered once they show up for the group interview because of their physical appearance?  These are people who actually WANT jobs, and we turn them away, and then turn around and 'recruit' a pretty, thin 17 year old who can only work one day a week, and doesn't care about work... she only got the job because of looks that good genes blessed her with.  It's not right.  And I won't be part of it any longer.

I am tired of having less rights than our customers.  The company does everything in it's power to seemingly stop internal theft from occurring, but still continues to give customers better deals than associate's can get, even with their employee discount.  I can't allow myself to be disrespected by rude customers any longer either.  I wouldn't let someone talk down to me on the street, so why would I allow someone to disrespect me in the workplace?  I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to say something back to a customer who has berated me, or said something highly offensive, and I can't even defend myself (when I am in the right) for fear of losing my job.  It's not fair that I can allow a customer I know for a fact to be stealing, continue to walk around the store, and openly refer to me and my fellow associates as "nosy bitches" for keeping an eye on them when they leave a trail of sensors.  I can't work for a company that hires Loss Prevention personnel that show up only once a year, and hit on every female associate working for the company.  I'm sorry, but for a company that claims they take racism and sexual harassment very seriously, I have seen little proof they honor that claim when we have LP guys texting associates randomly to go out for drinks.  If there is one thing that agitates me, it's sexual favoritism in the work place.  Even if I am the victim of said sexual favoritism, it disgusts me when it is taking place under the guise of professionalism.

I know that the company has been slapped with lawsuits in the past for discrimination and harassment, but apparently the actions they have claimed to have taken to eradicate said victimization haven't really been fully executed, because discrimination and sexual favoritism is a large part of the internal on-goings.  I can't stand the dress code or 'look policy' either, as it clearly eradicates and sort of individualism or room for self expression.  I am not a clone, and I don't want to dress, look, or sound like any other person other than the person I am on the inside (and that's a girl who likes her heels, her dark nail polish, and her makeup).

I am so tired of missing out on family events, functions and outings with friends, and major holidays because I just can't call out or take time off without scheduling it months in advance.  Even though I am allotted sick days, I can't use them without screwing over another associate who will either not get their scheduled day off, or work a 14 hour day.  Even when I went to the ER, I went to work the next day, just so another manager wouldn't have to work for 14 hours straight.  That's not right in my book.  Not just with this company, but in combination with past retail jobs I have held, I have missed out on Mother's days, father's days, family dinner's out, Christmas Eve festivities, and numerous parties and evenings with friends.  I have worked holiday's most working individuals get off, including Labor Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, Good Friday, Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve, New Year's day, and others.  I cannot blame a job for the dissolution of my relationship, but the fact that I couldn't take off more than three days at a time to see my boyfriend certainly didn't help.  I have missed Birthday's, Valentine's days, and friday nights I would have liked to have spent with my significant other.

I have worked fourteen hour days and 50 hour weeks without overtime pay.  I have driven home at 12am midnight, only to wake up 4 or 5 hours later to be back at work at 6 or 7am.  I know I've never been a Prisoner of War or a victim of torture, but I can safely say that driving on only 4 hours of sleep is dangerous, and working a 10 hour day on only 4 hours of sleep three times a week fucks with a person's mind.  I'm already emotional, so I am like a ticking time bomb when I'm sleep deprived, hating my job, and having personal issues.  I wouldn't even mind working so much If I were getting paid overtime or even doing something creative.  But this job is the antithesis of creative.  I can't execute control over anything in the store.  I am controlled by a company who has a high turn over rate and doesn't care about their employees the way that a company who wants to prosper should.






Yeah.  That'd be my letter of resignation if I didn't need a reference.  Thank god it will be over soon.  I just hope I'm not kicking myself in the head a month from now as my savings dwindles and I sit here still searching for a job.  Then I'll probably regret my actions and hate myself.  Oh well.  I'm not going to live forever, and it's do or it's die.  It's sink or it's swim.  Fuck it.  I only have one life and today is the youngest I will ever be.  I guess it's better to try and take risks now than to become complacent and hate my job and my life  5 years down the road.  And in the mean time, I will have time to work on my crumby book.  I'll leave you with some photos.  Because I can.

Treated myself to a festive little frock from H&M... only $17. hahaha

It's quite sexual... I fear it may never leave the confines of my room; wouldn't want to make bitches jealous and have them unjustifiably call me a slut.   Maybe I will waltz out of work wearing this on my last day....