I am on a "break" from my relationship currently ("break"... WTF does that even fucking mean?). I don't know. My bf and I mutually decided that a 'break' would do us good at this point in our lives and in the relationship. I mean, we've been doing long distance for two years now, so I wouldn't really say that we needed space, but the next move was moving in together, and that wasn't a feasible option given our current occupations and monetary incomes combined. My bf has some personal issues he needs to fix before he can be a competent partner now or in the future, so he's off fixing those issues and here I am learning to be alone all over again. After 21 fucking years alone, you can probably imagine how stoked I was to be in a committed relationship, so to basically ween myself off of the constant communication etc. will be presenting quite a challenge. When I was single for the first twenty-one years of my life, I was miserable all the time, wondering why the fuck I couldn't get a boyfriend. I probably could have had a number of boyfriends in reality, I was just fairly picky and looking for the right guy. Nevertheless, I was miserable living the single life. I suppose this time, I will take my singledom in stride. I will cherish my life of solidarity and reflect on myself and aim to make myself an even more perfect person than I already am... hahaha, I kid, I kid. We are still working out the logistics of the break, I just know that I am free to do whatever I want. I told him the other night I wanted to go 'cold turkey' and not communicate at all, because I'm an all or nothing type of girl. I had every fucking intention of not speaking with him until he had his act together again, but then he called four hours later. Cold Turkey clearly didn't work out, so now we are trying to do one or two phone calls a day. I know this is good for me at this point in my life, it's just so fucking hard to not have that constant support, love, and reassurance. I mean, he was the first person I called when I was sad or had bad news and the first person I called when I was excited or happy with good news. He is essentially my best friend at this point in the game. Oh well. I have no choice but to move on alone.
I immediately started thinking of all of the new freedoms I have now that I have no ties or obligations, $10,000 in the bank, and every intention of quitting my job (as soon as I find a new one...). My first thought was improving myself physically and getting ripped, but let's face it, I already am. So now I will just make improvements to myself in terms of being emotionally impenetrable. My new theme song is basically "Stronger" by Kanye West. hahahaha. I thought about going back to grad school for a hot second, but I'm not ready to immerse myself in study and shell out $40,000 I don't have for the promise of a better job that frankly doesn't even exist in this economy. So now I will allow myself $4,000 to travel to Europe, and the rest of my funds will be allocated towards an apartment in the city, once I finally find a fucking job. I really want to go to Barcelona. I'm not sure why, but that's my ultimate travel destination at this point in time. Maybe I was inspired by Penelope Cruz's performance in "Vicky Christina Barcelona"... either way, I want sun, sand, gothic architecture, and Spaniards... jk. I want to be alone. Hooking up with someone immediately would defeat the point of me learning to be alone and live without constant attention. I thought about joining the Peace Corps, but I'm pretty sure that's a two-three year commitment, not to mention I don't really fare well without decent living conditions, and I'd probs be gang raped knowing my luck. haha. jk... that's awful. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! (<----- how I feel). Sometimes I'm sad I deleted all of those boys who used to flirt with me from my contacts. JK. Really guys, I'm just kidding. I know that my biggest downfall has always been the fact that given my low self esteem, I seek constant validation and reassurance from others (especially the opposite sex) and today is the beginning of a new page. I know I'm hot shit. I'm smart, I have a dry sense of humor that maybe 25% of people get, I can cook, I can bake, I'm a freak in the bed and a lady on the street, and I am average looking... so that's better than ugly right? Jk. lol. Sigh. Yeah, I guess my self esteem needs some improvement...
Speaking of attention, I was feeling real emo the other night, so I went out with one of my guy friend's in Oneonta. We were walking out of the Black Oak Tavern when I saw a trio of guys walking up behind us. The one in the middle resembled Bane from the new Batman... I'm talking a giant, scary, fucking ogre of a man. As I turned the the corner I heard him shout "I would totally lick your ass." Now just to make it clear, there were no other girls around as far as my eyes could see, and I was wearing jeggings, a sweater, and flats, so it's not like my attire was enticing this illicit comment. Despite these circumstances, I still tried to tell myself that comment was being directed to another person... that is, until we got back to my friend's apartment and we turned to go in the door and said ogre came at me with a lusty look on his face, open arms, and a 'come hither' motion with both hands. EW. I mean, that's a pretty fucking vulgar comment, yes, but it still boosted my morale. I mean, if my ass can still look good in jeggings, that's saying something. haha. I've had random strangers tell my I was beautiful before, but the fact that a complete stranger said he was willing to lick my ass is a type of compliment that stands alone right up there with the best. haha. (gross.).
Today I got a start on being alone... I took my $50 blow up raft out onto Guilford Lake with a couple of plastic oars and paddled into the middle of the lake and back to shore. I'm sure it was a sight to behold... pretty fucking humorous no doubt. But it was good exercise, and as long as I am kept busy I find that it's easier to forget about what my bf is doing. I might have to start taking up kick boxing. Honestly though, I've been wanting to take pole dancing classes, but they don't offer them in these parts. lol. Those years of dance have definitely paid off in more ways than one... and I'd like to hone in on some of my more refined skills if you know what I mean ;). I've been feeling pretty unbridled for the past couple of days... I find myself having illicit and illegal thoughts about running away to Amsterdam and popping Molly at a rave or techno concert and making out with tons of guys. I find myself day dreaming about running away to Ibiza and becoming a cage dancer. I find myself thinking about hooking up with an older man who will flourish me with expensive gifts and cocaine and take me on his yacht. However, these are all just day dreams. Yes, I feel the urge to rebel completely, but I won't give into my cravings. This is a time to point my life in the right direction, and sugar daddies and titty implants aren't the direction in which I ultimately my life to head (sadly).
Today I got a start on being alone... I took my $50 blow up raft out onto Guilford Lake with a couple of plastic oars and paddled into the middle of the lake and back to shore. I'm sure it was a sight to behold... pretty fucking humorous no doubt. But it was good exercise, and as long as I am kept busy I find that it's easier to forget about what my bf is doing. I might have to start taking up kick boxing. Honestly though, I've been wanting to take pole dancing classes, but they don't offer them in these parts. lol. Those years of dance have definitely paid off in more ways than one... and I'd like to hone in on some of my more refined skills if you know what I mean ;). I've been feeling pretty unbridled for the past couple of days... I find myself having illicit and illegal thoughts about running away to Amsterdam and popping Molly at a rave or techno concert and making out with tons of guys. I find myself day dreaming about running away to Ibiza and becoming a cage dancer. I find myself thinking about hooking up with an older man who will flourish me with expensive gifts and cocaine and take me on his yacht. However, these are all just day dreams. Yes, I feel the urge to rebel completely, but I won't give into my cravings. This is a time to point my life in the right direction, and sugar daddies and titty implants aren't the direction in which I ultimately my life to head (sadly).
I hate work. I don't want to go tomorrow. Going to work makes me even more stressed and emo than I already am. Honestly though, I only wish people understood what I deal with every day. I mean, I know a lot of people have hard jobs and stressful jobs, but I don't think anyone really understands how my job as a manager at Mollister can be hard or stressful. It's honestly hell on earth. My associates/co-workers are the only thing that make going in worth while. At least they're good people. Sigh.
At least I have a cute niece to cuddle now. lol.
