I had a fantastic week away from Chodes R' Us this past week. I cat-sat for my sister in the city and spent some much needed time with my boyfriend. I am feeling relaxed, rejuvenated, and much more sane. Sane enough to take back control of my life and quit my awful, fucking job. It has been so nice having more than just one, solitary day off. For the past five months, I haven't had a decent break (aside from my four day excursion to Miami way back in January). I have probably only had one other 'normal,' two-day break, but unlike the majority of Americans, this break didn't even take place on the weekend. Instead of having off a Saturday/Sunday, I'm pretty sure it was a Monday/Tuesday. I didn't have to wake up at 7:30 am because It was my one day off to run errands, do chores, clean, do laundry and find time to relax. It was nice to wake up at 8:30am, knowing that I didn't have to put on clothes and get going; lounging around in comfies and having two, leisurely cups of coffee is certainly a much more savory way to begin a weekday. It was also nice knowing I could go out and enjoy myself without having to be up at the crack of dawn to go to work. For the first time in a long time, I could drink more than two glasses of wine without dreading a waking up at 6:30 am with a hangover and 9 hour work day. I even got to go out with my friends this weekend, because for once, I wasn't closing on a Friday or Saturday night, hating life and resenting the fact I was missing out on my prime years while everyone else lived it up like a person should on the weekend.
Despite the fact that I had an entire week off from work, I saw my boyfriend, and I went out and had fun and socialized with friends, I made a terrible self-realization that I'm an awful feminist. Maybe I'm just insecure and hate myself or some Freudian shit like that, I don't know. Maybe I am mean because I hate my job... that's definitely a major factor, and one I am actively working on fixing. It struck me the other night when I went out with my friends, that I think some really bitchy, mean things, and I am not at all proud of that. I mean, I've never been a crazy feminazi-type feminist. I believe in equal rights for women and men (in the job force, at home, in terms of the freedom to walk down the street at night without fear of being raped), I am a firm believer in a woman's right to have control over her own anatomy, I am pro-choice, I hate the media's construction of what a 'woman' should be and how she should act, I get offended when I hear men make inappropriate comments about a woman's body or 'her place in life' (making them sandwiches). That kind of shit makes the feminist in me come out. And don't even get me started on celebrity culture and how the media and women's magazines that 'supposedly' empower a woman, really bring her down. For example, Cosmopolitan magazine constantly features articles about 'how to please your man,' or, "what drives HIM wild in the bedroom," but rarely do I see a piece about how to make your man please you. That kind of shit makes me crazy. Seeing magazines featuring and celebrating emaciated celebrities with accompanying weight-loss tips or diet plans makes the feminist in me go bat-shit crazy too. However, I start to feel like a really awful feminist and fellow woman, when I go out to the bars.
I don't know if it is the alcohol, or the lack of alcohol (I only had like 1.5 drinks when I went out the other night, since I was driving home later), but I start to question whether I am a true feminist when In my head I'm bashing other girls on the basis of their conduct and their bodies. The first thing that made my disgust level start to rise was the fact that a group of 30 year old men were hanging out at the Sip on Water Street. Don't get me wrong, people are entitled to hang out where ever they choose, but that Bar is notoriously only occupied by college-age students, and usually where people go to dance in their finest body-con skirts and 5 inch heels. Just knowing that they were their to pick up 19-21 year old, drunk college girls made my blood boil. I mean, it's cool if a 30 year old wants to date a 21 year old (I guess...), but seeing a group of guys hanging out here with the specific intent to 'hook up' with a much younger, wasted individual really turned me off. I guess that is part of the more reasonable feminist side in me, so I'm sorry for digressing...
The bad feminist in me, is the critical voice in my head that sees a girl wearing a crop top with her gut hanging out and screams in a bitchy tone, "what the fuck." Being a woman, and feeling the pressure that women have placed on their shoulders by men, society, and themselves to 'look good at all times' should make me happy for this girl; I should be happy that she is comfortable and confident enough in her own body to go out wearing a tummy-exposing crop top without giving a fuck what anyone else thinks of her. But It just makes something in my brain snap, and I think awful things like, "what makes her think she looks good in that?!" God, I'm an awful person. This is something I sincerely need to work on. As long as I am happy with myself, why should I give a shit what anyone else does or wears? I shouldn't.
The sloppy-ho behavior of drunk college girls is also enough to make my anger rise. I'm not saying I never did things I shouldn't have done, because I definitely did. But when your ass cheeks are hanging out as you grind on some dude's thigh in public it's quite revolting. I'm all for girls getting drunk and having a good time dancing with random hotties at the bar, but I don't want to see your ass cheeks and neon pink g-string. I should be happy for this girl; fulfilling her needs and hopefully getting some man ass later. But, the logical part of my brain always wonders how much smack my friends would talk behind my back if I were this girl, flashing my ass and dancing dirty with a stranger... I wonder if her friends will shame her in the morning or if they promote ass flashing on the dance floor.
In addition, I have always felt that women should be able to get away wearing what they want without being labeled as slutty or being hit on and groped. However, when you are wearing something that people might misconstrue as a 'slutty ensemble,' shouldn't you take special precautions as to not ACT slutty? Go ahead and put on your mini skirt, just make sure you pull it down when it's riding up and exposing your crotchal region as you walk down main street. Go ahead and wear those 5 inch platforms, just make sure you stay coherent enough to walk in them. Why am I so mean?
I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK TOMORROW :( I feel like a sixth grader who just had a week long vacation and is dreading going back to school. I'm working not one, but two different 14 hour days this week and instead of making overtime, my pay is cut in half for each hour over 40 that I work. WTF. This is the worst job ever. I hate it. I applied for an internship today. I will apply for whatever else I can find that is reasonably appealing and/or lucrative this afternoon. I've gotta get out of Chodes R' Us before I die. Even a game of dress up won't improve my mood today. You know you're in a bad mood when putting on a shit ton of make up and high heels doesn't make you feel better.
