Starting the day off on a very bad note. Today is technically my "Friday," but it feels more like some sort of twisted, sordid Monday given the way things have gone thus far. It is now day six of my six-day work week. The past two days I've worked 4pm-2am, and today will be my third 4pm-2am shift in a row. I slept about 4 hours (I'm now used to staying up until 5am), and was awoken by a phone call from a New York number I didn't know. I answered, and it was Diesel calling to set up an interview. I submitted my resume a few days ago 'just because'- even though you and I both know I would rather clean elephant shit at the zoo than ever assume another retail job so long as I live.
The guy asked if it was "a bad time" to call... I wanted to be like "yeah dude, I went to bed at 5:30 after busting my balls and my back for 9 hours straight, and now you just woke me up," but I said 'no' and so he proceeded to ask a few questions. "Why do you want to work retail?" Oh MY GOD. I actually at this point regretted even submitting my resume since I would rather wipe Terry Cruise's butt for a living than work another retail job. I wanted to say "Actually I don't [want to work retail] anymore" and then hang up the phone. That's what I really wanted to say. However, I made up some bullshit excuse just to be polite but then lied and said I wasn't available to interview this week (even though I'm finally off tomorrow). Oh well. I really shouldn't have submitted my resume there in the first place. You see what desperation can do to a person????!!!!!!
I then went to a dermatologist appointment that I scheduled SPECIFICALLY to get a refill on my doxycycline prescription, since it ran out two days ago, and they won't refill unless I do a follow up appointment every three months. So, I woke up after only 5 hours of sleep, and went to the dermatologist, reluctant to shell over $40 for them to tell me what I already know and hand me a piece of paper, but happy that I wouldn't be breaking out anytime soon since I'd be able to pick up my prescription after they called it into my pharmacy today. Or so I thought...
I basically just threw $40 to the fucking wind. The b*tch dermatologist I saw (who is one I've never seen before at that office), told me that she wouldn't renew my prescription and thought I didn't need the antibiotic that I have now been on since April of this year. She said that being on an antibiotic for an extended period of time was bad for my digestive system. B*tch has clearly never fucking suffered from cystic and emotionally crippling acne, otherwise she wouldn't have questioned me and would have just wrote the prescription. I would fuck my digestive system over 100x before neglecting my skin and my mental health (because let me tell you- last year when I had cystic acne, I was suicidal and my mental health was NOT OK). I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. I had a minor panic attack as I exited the office. I am going to try to keep calm and not stress or panic over the fact that I didn't get my prescription renewed, but let's face it- over the past six months that I've been on doxycycline, as soon as I've run out of the pills even for a few days, I start to get cysts on my chin and jawline. Shit, even as I sit here writing this, having been off of the meds for only two days, I can feel the beginning tingling sensation on my chin of the cysts forming, and no, I'm not lying or exaggerating. I am fucking terrified right now. I swear, as soon as I see one forming, I am going to book an appointment with a different dermatology office and demand to go back on doxycycline.
And to all of you critics sitting there reading this who have never experience the type of painful and deforming cysts that I have, changing my diet and sleep regime doesn't help. Neither does drinking a gallon of water a day, washing my face with special products, eating clean, avoiding alcohol, or using just topicals. My acne is hormonal, ok? My cortisol levels are out the roof and that is NOT something I can regulate with diet and sleep alone. Let's just reflect on where I was right before starting the savior drug that is Doxycycline:
http://lilywhitedaydream.blogspot.com/2015/04/im-writing-this-entry-on-brink-of.html
RIGHT.
FUCK THAT. I will never go back to that dark place in my life again. This isn't some underdeveloped nation where I have to worry about not starving to death or dying of some treatable disease. This is America, where I am allowed to worry about my first-world issues, and I know that I can take care of them. If you're judging from afar and have never had acne, than you just don't know, because the struggle is real. I can tell you that I would take the flu, a massive hangover, falling on cement, or even gaining weight over ever having acne that is so socially, emotionally, and mentally debilitating again. When I was at the point that the above blog was written, I was a mess. I couldn't go out with friends, I didn't feel attractive or sexy enough to go to a club and not worry about my face, I didn't even feel confident when my boyfriend of two years saw me without makeup or got too close when he kissed me.
So to the dermatologist who didn't refill my prescription today, when that is the only blasted reason I made that appointment and spent $40... thanks for nothing. I hope you break out severely some day.
