Currently sitting at Beautique, surrounded by a group of fake ass bitches I don't know complete with fake lips, fake noses, Botox, and daddy's credit card.  I can't tell you how many times I've found myself in this situation.  In the words of Thom Yorke, "I don't belong here."   I currently feel so Fucking uncomfortable and so out of place- hence why I'm on my phone writing this blog.  I hate NYC for this reason. Everyone in this club is probably my age or younger but they all look about 38+ because of so much cosmetic surgery. The Fucking 18 year old twink sitting next to me is using his daddy's credit card to buy a bottle of champagne that he tried to fucking barter the price down with the waitress. The fucking fake lipped slut next to me made me take s photo with her despite the fact I met her 10 min ago.  I feel so Fucking out of my element.  I hate this town sometimes.  I hate NYC.  Addendum:  the "twink" is 15 years old. What kind of polluted life am I living???? I'm never having kids.  I'm moving to Maine and I'm going to live a simplistic life a la Martha Stewart.

Thanks for Nothing

Starting the day off on a very bad note.  Today is technically my "Friday," but it feels more like some sort of twisted, sordid Monday given the way things have gone thus far.  It is now day six of my six-day work week.  The past two days I've worked 4pm-2am, and today will be my third 4pm-2am shift in a row.  I slept about 4 hours (I'm now used to staying up until 5am), and was awoken by a phone call from a New York number I didn't know.  I answered, and it was Diesel calling to set up an interview.  I submitted my resume a few days ago 'just because'- even though you and I both know I would rather clean elephant shit at the zoo than ever assume another retail job so long as I live.

The guy asked if it was "a bad time" to call... I wanted to be like "yeah dude, I went to bed at 5:30 after busting my balls and my back for 9 hours straight, and now you just woke me up," but I said 'no' and so he proceeded to ask a few questions.  "Why do you want to work retail?" Oh MY GOD.  I actually at this point regretted even submitting my resume since I would rather wipe Terry Cruise's butt for a living than work another retail job.  I wanted to say "Actually I don't [want to work retail] anymore" and then hang up the phone.  That's what I really wanted to say.  However, I made up some bullshit excuse just to be polite but then lied and said I wasn't available to interview this week (even though I'm finally off tomorrow).  Oh well.  I really shouldn't have submitted my resume there in the first place.  You see what desperation can do to a person????!!!!!!

I then went to a dermatologist appointment that I scheduled SPECIFICALLY to get a refill on my doxycycline prescription, since it ran out two days ago, and they won't refill unless I do a follow up appointment every three months.  So, I woke up after only 5 hours of sleep, and went to the dermatologist, reluctant to shell over $40 for them to tell me what I already know and hand me a piece of paper, but happy that I wouldn't be breaking out anytime soon since I'd be able to pick up my prescription after they called it into my pharmacy today.  Or so I thought...

I basically just threw $40 to the fucking wind.  The b*tch dermatologist I saw (who is one I've never seen before at that office), told me that she wouldn't renew my prescription and thought I didn't need the antibiotic that I have now been on since April of this year.  She said that being on an antibiotic for an extended period of time was bad for my digestive system.  B*tch has clearly never fucking suffered from cystic and emotionally crippling acne, otherwise she wouldn't have questioned me and would have just wrote the prescription. I would fuck my digestive system over 100x before neglecting my skin and my mental health (because let me tell you- last year when I had cystic acne, I was suicidal and my mental health was NOT OK).  I wanted to scream and cry at the same time.  I had a minor panic attack as I exited the office.  I am going to try to keep calm and not stress or panic over the fact that I didn't get my prescription renewed, but let's face it- over the past six months that I've been on doxycycline, as soon as I've run out of the pills even for a few days, I start to get cysts on my chin and jawline.  Shit, even as I sit here writing this, having been off of the meds for only two days, I can feel the beginning tingling sensation on my chin of the cysts forming, and no, I'm not lying or exaggerating.  I am fucking terrified right now.  I swear, as soon as I see one forming, I am going to book an appointment with a different dermatology office and demand to go back on doxycycline.

And to all of you critics sitting there reading this who have never experience the type of painful and deforming cysts that I have, changing my diet and sleep regime doesn't help.  Neither does drinking a gallon of water a day, washing my face with special products, eating clean, avoiding alcohol, or using just topicals.  My acne is hormonal, ok? My cortisol levels are out the roof and that is NOT something I can regulate with diet and sleep alone. Let's just reflect on where I was right before starting the savior drug that is Doxycycline:

http://lilywhitedaydream.blogspot.com/2015/04/im-writing-this-entry-on-brink-of.html


RIGHT.


FUCK THAT.  I will never go back to that dark place in my life again.  This isn't some underdeveloped nation where I have to worry about not starving to death or dying of some treatable disease.  This is America, where I am allowed to worry about my first-world issues, and I know that I can take care of them.  If you're judging from afar and have never had acne, than you just don't know, because the struggle is real.  I can tell you that I would take the flu, a massive hangover, falling on cement, or even gaining weight over ever having acne that is so socially, emotionally, and mentally debilitating again.   When I was at the point that the above blog was written, I was a mess.  I couldn't go out with friends, I didn't feel attractive or sexy enough to go to a club and not worry about my face, I didn't even feel confident when my boyfriend of two years saw me without makeup or got too close when he kissed me.

So to the dermatologist who didn't refill my prescription today, when that is the only blasted reason I made that appointment and spent $40... thanks for nothing.  I hope you break out severely some day.

Catching Up...

Tomorrow World has come and gone, and was not what I expected.  It was fun, and it was good to escape NYC and to be on "vacation" for a few days, however, the inclement weather made for an entirely different environment and vibe than what I had expected and planned for in my mind leading up to the festival.  It poured rain for 4 days straight, so naturally the festival grounds were a muddy, swampy, infested mess.  Thank God my boyfriend hates camping (as do I) and wanted to get a hotel... having the hotel to return to each night and shower and sleep in a dry bed kept us sane and totally saved us both from killing each other and everyone around us (the first night was by far the rainiest and coldest night, and I threw a BF (bitch fit)).  Oh well.  Everyone there was very nice and chill and we met up with a friend who also went down for the festival.  

I don't know whether I should be patting myself on the back for not getting totally f*cked up on any of the four days we spent there, or if I should be scolding myself for not getting f*cked up at least once.  I know, I know... it's hard to believe that an animal like me didn't go ballz to the wall even once, but it was impossible to find any *ahem* "goodies" (if you will... ;) ), and when we did find them I didn't trust the people... a lot of people there seemed like crack/meth heads. LOL... that's the dirty south for you ;p (or Upstate NY.... ) jk... but not really.   I think the most inebriated I got was the night I did like 5 shots, however, even that had no effect on me since I ate a chicken tender basket, tacos, and pizza prior to drinking.  What a bust.  I mean, at least I didn't have a hangover or comedown, you know? I guess it was good to wake up feeling normal and not like shit.  

Redemption road... or the back road leading into the festival.  Mmmm, look at all that muddy terrain ;) so much for wearing my 6 inch platform boots. 

So this is the "do it yourself" tent my boyfriend insisted on purchasing... we set it up at like 10:30pm in the dark, in the pouring rain on Thursday.  Luckily it was like a PlayHut pop up tent and required no assembly whatsoever... just pull out of the bag and BAM! Popped right open ;) The tent was not my decision- my boyfriend wanted a tent in case we did end up partying too hard and wanted to just crash at the festival camp grounds instead of waiting for an Uber car and taking a 30 min ride back to the hotel.  Needless to say, given these conditions, we only used that little baby to store some Cheetos in and clothes for when it got colder at night (we are Cheeto addicts....).  The mud surrounding our tent smelled like raw sewage... Something tells me it may have very well been raw sewage since I saw some black PVC tubing leading from the Port-O-Potties past our tent.  YUMMMMM. 

Day 4.... Judgement day. 

Tomorrow World was an experience for sure.  It would have been completely different had the sun been shining and had we been able to find some goodies, however, we made the best of it and still had fun.  Since I expected to be fucked up for four days straight, I thought I'd come back emaciated.  Instead, since I couldn't seem to get fucked up to save my life, I just ate way too much.  They had EVERYTHING there- tacos, pizza, Asian food... I went to freaking town; it's no wonder I couldn't get drunk... 

 Like I said, at least all of the people in attendance were super nice and friendly and chill.  The music and the stages were also pretty awesome, although we found ourselves gravitating back to the same two stages because they played the music Output and Verboten play (deep house/trance).  The main stage just didn't do it for me... especially the crowd there.  It was obviously a very aesthetically pleasing stage with tons of visuals and a moving face, but I found my people in the purple tent that felt like a night club and at the little stage projected out onto the pond.  What can I say? I like intimate and dark.... like my soul.

I honestly don't know if I would do a festival again in the future.  I've come to terms that I prefer partying at a club, throwing a party at a house, going to an after-hours with friends, or just partying hard in my home with friends.  I don't think festivals are really my scene after this experience... 

CHANGING THE SUBJECT... 

On a more serious note- since this past week was Mental Health Awareness week, I figured I would talk about something slightly more important than the usual bullshit I tend to write about here: The importance of taking care of yourself and knowing when to get help. 

I think every person on this Earth has experienced mental health issues at one point or another, but for some it's an on-going battle and a daily struggle, whether it is depression, anxiety, etc.  The majority of people experiencing the above issues will most likely experience them for a brief time and work thru or outgrow the issue they're struggling with- but for others, it's a daily fight to stay strong and work around the issue in order to live a fulfilled and happy life.  

If you know me, and I assume you most likely do (since you're sitting there reading this piece of shit blog ;) ), you probably know that I am prone to anxiety and have been for most of my adult life.  I don't have social anxiety, but when things don't go as planned, or something happens that makes me feel as if I've lost control, I freak the f*ck out.  It has gotten increasingly bad in the past couple of years.  It's not really a daily thing, although it can be if circumstances present themselves to throw me off multiple days in a row.  However, when it happens (and it happens probably once every 10 days or so), it wreaks havoc on me, my relationships, and my already fragile mental state of being.  

The thing with mental health is, that even if you take care of yourself and do all of the things you are supposed to, and don't do all of the things that you aren't supposed to to properly take care of yourself, some of us are just prone to brain activity/emotional activity that we really can't regulate.  Furthermore, sometimes the circumstances thrown at us are things we can't regulate (at least not right away- I fully believe everyone is in charge of their own lives, but if you hate your job, you can't just wake up and get a new one the very next day... all things take time). 

My anxiety has been spiraling out of control for at least a year now, but I finally reached my breaking point last week.... or the point where I finally said "shit, I really need to do something about this before it brings me down even further."  When your mental/emotional problems start to interfere with relationships, friendships, and your family starts to show concern, it's probably time to take a step back and admit you might not be able to deal with the issue alone or that it will just go away by itself.  

After returning from Tomorrow World to a reality and the job that makes me miserable and the continual search and effort I put into finding a new job, I came crashing down in a bad way.  I think I finally just reached a breaking point.  My job doesn't allow me a normal sleep pattern, nor do I have the same days off every week, so it's hard to plan things to look forward to or know when I will have a day off that my friends or boyfriend has off too.  Aside from the four days we spent in GA, my boyfriend and I have maybe had one day in the past six weeks off together... and I'm not exaggerating.  My friends and I seem to also have opposite schedules these days as well:  If I am free on a Wednesday and looking to do something, they are working.  When they are free on a Sunday and want me to go out, I am working.  For me, it's easier to deal with stress and an erratic schedule when I can at least say "OK, if I make it through these next five days, I will have two days off with my Boyfriend," or "OK, I can make it through this crazy weekend of work because I am going to have a girl's night on Monday."  When I can't foresee the future, or when I don't have the ability to even know how to plan the following week, it makes everything else that much more stressful and chaotic to deal with when stuff gets thrown at me.  I need foreseeable goals and days with others to make it through the week.  

I don't consider myself to be clinically depressed, but last week I cried 4 days in a row. I don't even care that I'm sharing this shit with you right now, because maybe you cried four days in a row too and thought you were alone in your struggle.  I just think that this is stuff that we shouldn't be so ashamed to discuss or talk openly about with other people.  Especially since every person alive goes through it at one time or another in their life.  It really helps just to talk about it sometimes, because if you do, you'll find you aren't alone, and you'll often find that people are willing to be more accommodating of your needs and to help you in any way they can if they at least know what you are going through.

I blew up on my boyfriend as the result of not coping with my stress and anxiety and I also tired out my family and group of friends who are endlessly there to support me.  When I am alone and anxious and sobbing and calling people at 3am because I just can't stand to be alone at home, it's not really cool anymore.  I am putting a strain on friendships, my relationship with my family, and stressing people out because they have to worry about me.  I don't want to keep doing this shit.  I'm exhausting the people that I love the most, and those are the people who love me the most in this world- I don't want to push them away, scare them away, or make them resent me.  I finally decided to talk to a doctor and make an effort to take care of myself.  

The doctor that I saw spent an hour with me, which is longer than any doctor has ever spent with me before.  It was really helpful just to talk to an outsider (not someone directly involved in my life) and to know that I am not, in fact, crazy- just having a really hard time given all of the circumstances.  I walked out of the doctor's office feeling more in control than I have in a year- I can finally get a handle on this anxiety, while I continue to try to get a handle on my career and my future.  The fact that I took a pro-active approach to my issue has already made me feel like it won't control me, and that I can control it. 

I decided to spend my two, consecutive days off at home (my parent's house Upstate).  I think sometimes when I get so stressed and everything is making me so angry and anxious, I really just need a good, couple of days out of this Hell-hole of a city.  I did pretty much nothing when I went home, and that is just what I needed and wanted to do. I spent time with my pets, I walked in the woods, I went for a drive in the middle of nowhere with my dad to look at animals and an old cemetery, I went out to dinner with my family, and I visited my grandma.  It was good just to chill and be as zen as a person like me can be ;)  (in case you haven't caught on, it's pretty hard for me to be zen).  Nature is really good for me, and I should make an effort to go home or get out of NYC more often since it helps so much.  I think walking alone in the woods, or on a deserted country road really helps to put life back into perspective.  I can feel really trapped and stifled in this city at times, and It is important to reflect on how big and open the world is, and how just changing your environment can change your outlook. 

Cemetery in the middle of the woods with gravestones dating back to the 1820s... pretty awesome.

My firstborn son- Bijou... the real love of my life.  Look at that cute, short, little profile! (certainly doesn't get it from me, lol).

Saudi, the new addition to the family, and Bijou's competition lol

I wish I had the space and time for a pet here in NYC.  Having an animal to take care of and to just be there when you need something to hold really helps.  This little guy ^^^ is so friendly I wonder how he was ever a feral cat... Unfortunately, after my terrible cat-fostering experience, I vowed NEVER to own an animal unless I have a backyard and a bigger space. 

The road by my woods... so quiet, so peaceful... lol.  I'm like the father from Beetlejuice: 

This is me when I finally escape NYC and am back in nature:

Can't beat those good ol' Upstate wine prices... ;)

Fall at its finest... if only this were my backyard in NYC... or at least not a 3.5 hour bus ride away.  I think I would be chill without having to try so hard to keep my cool all the time.