I'm Writing this Entry on the Brink of Insanity.

If you're reading this, it's only because my skin is better and I am mentally more sound as a result.  I wrote this over two weeks ago now, when I was nearly suicidal, could hardly look at myself in the mirror, and spent two hours sobbing on the phone to my mother.  I am only posting this blog, because despite the fact that my audience of readers consists of maybe 2.5 people total (hahaha), I want anyone who is in the same boat I was in to know that they are not alone if they are struggling with acne or other skin issues.  It sucks because it isn't always genetic, nor is it caused by what you put in or on your body.  I thank God and modern medicine that Doxycycline has cleared me up in a matter of two weeks (KNOCK ON WOOD... hope I didn't just jinx myself ;p ), otherwise I'm not sure how I would have gone on.  I pray that my acne does not come back as I finally have my self confidence restored and no longer feel like hibernating in my apartment or avoiding public situations as I wanted to do the past few weeks.

The doxycycline makes me feel nauseous as fuck, but at least all I have left at this point are fading red marks and I haven't gotten a single new blemish since I started taking the med two weeks ago.  My skin was super dry the other day, but I'd rather take a few flakes then another cyst deforming my face.   I feel so much better that I can't even describe it.  Nothing has radically changed in my life with the exception of my face, but I feel like I am on top of the world again and in control of my life.  I think it's the boost in confidence, but I already scored two interviews for this coming week (wish me luck)!

Below, is an entry I wrote approximately two weeks ago when I was quite convinced nothing would ever help me again and the end was very near...



March 31, 2015

I plan on posting this blog after my acne is resolved... if it ever is... I know this sounds overly dramatic, but I cannot possibly go on like this.  My self-confidence is non-existent despite the fact that I post a plethora of slutty selfies on my social media accounts, which might  have lead you to believe I feel otherwise.  I think that I am mostly trying to convince myself that I'm attractive since it's a daily struggle to even look at myself in the mirror after a shower with no makeup on.   I don't even let my own boyfriend see me without make up on anymore... and the dude has seen a lot of shit many would consider worse than a face full of zits with the antics I pull...  You know it's bad when you'd rather have your boyfriend see you naked and vomiting off the side of the bed then without your concealer on...

After a lot of research and weighing the pros and cons, I've made a decision tonight that I will go on Accutane if the doctor can't provide me with a slightly less traumatizing treatment plan.  I'm willing to give it one more attempt using a slightly less harmful drug alternative Friday when I have yet ANOTHER dermatology follow-up appointment.  If I have to plead with my dermatologist and get down on my knees and cry to get my point across I will.  That's what this has come down to.  This is an issue that just hasn't resolved despite months of being on Spironolactone for hormonal acne and upping the dosage from 50mg to 100mg a day.  I was so hopeful that this shit would work, since I read so many reviews and it is supposedly had positive outcomes in 85% of cases.  I guess I'm not the 85%...   At least I didn't experience any negative side effects.  That's a plus I guess...

MY EXPERIENCE WITH CYSTIC, ADULT ACNE

As you may or may not know (not that you really care in the first place), my skin was pretty perfect until I was about 24.  I always thought acne was something only experienced by teenagers... not women well into their twenties.  I experienced my first bad breakout after moving to NYC in fall of 2012 and my condition improved for a while, but this fall (October of 2014) I started getting major, painful, distorting cysts that just WILL NOT GO AWAY.

When I experienced my first breakout in Fall of 2012, I assumed it was from the environmental change I experienced after moving from clean, Upstate New York, to dirty-ass NYC.  I honestly just thought it was an extra bad case of the usual 'monthly zit,' and I thought I could take care of it without seeing a doctor.  After trying to cut out sugar and "bad" foods from my diet and trying a variety of over the counter products, I couldn't take it any longer.  After a month or so of trying to fight the cysts appearing on my chin and then gradually on my cheeks, I made a dermatology appointment and demanded meds.  I was put on Doxicyline (an antibiotic used specifically for treating acne) along with two topical cremes- aczone and another one I forget the name of now...

After about 3 months, the doxicycline seemed to have had a positive effect.  My acne was gone, my face was back to normal, and I only broke out during 'that time of the month,' which is no biggie after you know what it's like to have cysts that don't come to a head or really go away.  The doxicycline was pretty brutal on my body while I was on it though. It caused me to have major headaches that wouldn't go away even with copious amounts of water and advil, and I always felt nauseous for a couple of hours after I took it so I lost weight because I wanted to vom at the thought of food.   However, it worked in that it made my cysts disappear and new ones didn't pop up.  I was acne free for about a year and half.   During that time, I probably took my clear skin for granted and forgot how that brief bout of acne really even affected me.   Then, in October 2014, THIS HAPPENED:

I know, right??? My entire chin was distorted by two MAJOR zits... they were painful as fuck- like, I swear to God they had a pulse.  I could feel them hot and pulsing underneath the surface of my skin, and I was in terrible pain.  It hurt to smile or perform any sort of facial expression that stretched the skin on or around my jaw/chin.  Not to mention they just couldn't be popped because they were underground and wouldn't come to a head.   They seriously distorted my entire chin, as you can clearly see.  I was not only in physical pain, but emotional pain as well since I looked like Jay Leno.  I felt like a goddamn monster.  This is when I realized something was not normal and I first went to the dermatologist demanding help.  Sadly for me, I looked like this over Christmas with my family and even on New Years Eve.  To some it may sound petty, but when you're fucking face looks distorted, it's hard to feel hot/pretty/appealing.

 On December 17th, 2014, I finally went to the derm.  I was prescribed Spironolactone.  Spironolactone is actually a blood-pressure medicine/diuretic.   However, it stops androgen production, which is why it is commonly prescribed for hormonal acne- the type that I have.  The doctor said that a lot of women in their twenties and thirties get hormonal acne, since it is a time of major change within the hormonal balance.  I guess it's because I should be getting pregnant by evolutionary standard, or some shit like that... or my hormones would balance out if I were pregnant, which, evidently my body wants me to be.  She said a lot of women go on birth control to balance out their hormones and see effective results.  However, I have been on an oral contraceptive for about five years, and during that time I went from having perfect skin, to this mess. I also went from being moderately insane, to full fucking blown crazy during that time of the month.  Pretty sure birth control has done me more harm than anything else at this point.   I asked if there was any other factors that might be triggering it.  Stress is a factor, but as I sit here writing this, I realize I've been running on the same stress level for about 3 years, and during that time I've had a couple bad breakout yes, but I've also had really clear skin even during times of HEAVY stress, like when I was dating/breaking up with my ex.  I don't think stress alone is what triggered this shit.  I asked about sleep and diet as well.  Clearly not sleeping enough is bad for your skin, as is a poor diet.  However, I don't even eat sweets or chocolate the way I did in college, nor do I eat fast food, processed food, chips, or greasy/fried foods.  I'm sure we all know people who live on greasy and processed food and have better, clearer skin than anyone.  I guess it all depends on how lucky you are.  Seriously though... it blows.

One myth about acne that I fucking hate is that people who have never had cystic acne think you can clear it up yourself with diet and lifestyle.  I only WISH this were the case.  I was complaining to someone at work and they were like, "Do you wash your pillow case?"  UMMMMM WTF?! lol.  I was highly offended.  No shit sherlock- I wash/change my pillow case on a bi-weekly basis and it still makes no difference.  "Have you been eating chocolate?" Um no... I've basically been subsisting on fucking health food for the past two months in coincidence with the meds trying to treat my body as kindly as possible and am breaking out worse than fucking ever.

I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin without excessive amounts of foundation and concealer on.  I want to be able to wear makeup less often and in smaller amounts.  Either I walk around with red spots and lumps on display without makeup (which I absolutely will not do), or I do what I have been doing and cake on the liquid foundation and concealer.  This covers the redness, but it creates flaky, awful looking skin when the zit starts drying out or pealing.  It also doesn't help when your zit is the size of a fucking chickpea and/or Mt. Everest, and no amount of makeup can disguise it.  The concealer balances out the color, but I'm still left with a huge, flesh-toned, painful cyst that creates a lumpy jawline and shadows on my face.  Makeup doesn't make the zits go away.  I hate seeing myself without makeup because it truly makes me want to cry.   I'm a control freak, and I have no control over my own face, despite my best efforts of controlling what I put in my body or on my face in a futile attempt to exert control over my skin's reaction.

This is me, right now with no makeup on.  Sexy, right? ;)

It started on my chin, and in the 

past two weeks, despite the increased dosage of Spiro, it has manifested itself on my cheeks now... FUCKING SWEEEEEEET :(

I'm afraid if my acne gets any worse, I'll have terrible scarring.  When the cysts go down (which seriously takes them about a month each), I am left with red marks that literally take like 7 months to fade away.  It's pretty awful.  

Since I've tried pretty much every option out there, and this week I've decided to do a brutal diet/cleanse as a last resort.  It can't hurt at this point right?  At least I will be proving to myself that it isn't what is going into my body that's causing my skin to react like this.  I eat plenty of fruits and veggies, minimal meat, minimal dairy (with the exception of cheese once a week), and It's not like I'm abusing Meth or other hard drugs... so if by further limiting myself by cutting out all sugar, gluten, all dairy, and acidic foods I still can't tame this beast internally, then I'm going for the hard shit... meaning the mother of all the acne meds on the market... 

I hope something works soon because I am driving myself and everyone who has to deal with me in this state absolutely INSANE.  I hope that when this entry finally sees the light of day and as you sit here reading this, it is because I have had success with something and my face is finally clear to the point where I don't mind airing my dirty laundry and hideous, makeup free pics in contrast to my new and improved acne free face.   Pray for me. ahahahahahah.  jk.  #blessed