Coming Out

You may be wondering about the title of this blog... more on that after a brief recap of the last few weeks...

Another year has come and gone.  2015 will be the year I get a new job, and the year I take more trips, have more fun, and have less meltdowns/mental breakdowns/psychotic episodes/wild nights I can't even remember/blackouts/and fights I started drunk.  Good goals, right? I think so ;)  2014 was an amazing year despite all of the meltdowns/mental breakdowns/psychotic episodes/wild nights I can't even remember/blackouts/and arguments I started drunk, regardless.  It was a year of fun and trying new things, making new friends and strengthening relationships with some existing friends, taking mini trips with my boyfriend and friends, concerts (Trentemoller, Nine Inch Nails/Soundgarden), awesome dinners both in and out, watching my niece grow into a wild, smart, and sassy two-year-old, spending a lot of amazing time with my bf, and wild nights I will never forget (except the ones where I did in fact black-out, but we don't consider those awesome... ;) ).

I had to show my boyfriend the pride of Sidney, NY-  The Community (or Scummunity, as most like to call it).  Yes, this is definitely the FINEST, classiest bar in the area.  We stopped in for a drink with my brother and cousin on Christmas Eve and my mind was blown when a glass of wine and a Heineken came to $8.  GOD BLESS UPSTATE. 

Ceely (aka 'Baby') squirrel watching.  I wish I could have stayed home for a solid week...

Bijou, the best son any woman could ever ask for ;)

Christmas was short-lived but good- I ended up going to my parent's house for all of 36 hours or so, but I got to see my mom's side of the family, spend quality time with Bijou and Ceely, and hung out with my brother and cousin (whom I need to see more often because I desperately miss hanging out with them, even if they don't miss hanging out with my annoying self ).  New Year's was also pretty fun, although a bit short lived since I ended up spending only two hours at Output after spending a shit-ton of money on a ticket for a party that lasted 72-hours (that's right ladies and gentleman- the party went until 8pm on January 2).  I spent NYE with friends and even managed not to get shit-faced.  I surprisingly woke up hang-over free.  I'm really proud of myself ;)  If you will recall, last year I ended up almost getting crushed to death while hostessing at Highline, getting shit-faced on the job to cope with the crowd, threatening to kill a bitch, dancing on a stage and pouring a bottle of Patron into my friend's mouth, harassing the DJ to play a remix of Lana Del Rey's "Blue Jeans" and then proceeded to wake up dazed and confused at my friend's apartment in Tribeca.  I walked out of her apartment still drunk and without my shoes and almost made it to the lobby before having a moment of clarity wherein I realized I wasn't wearing shoes.  I then couldn't remember which apartment was hers, and after two failed attempts by my boyfriend and the doorman to find me a car service, ended up hailing a cab in my bare feet in the 9 degree weather.  I'm still surprised my boyfriend stayed with me after that 'episode' ;)


Now, about the title of this blog.  No, I'm not coming out of the closet...I'm coming out of the dark about my struggle with acne these past few months because I feel that it's an issue for a lot of women no matter what age they are.  I never had acne growing up or even as a teenager (which is when most people get it), but for some reason, after I moved to the city at the end of 2012, I started breaking out.  I'm not sure if it's because of stress (actually, it's DEFINITELY stress- I'm always fucking stressed, who am I kidding????), city dirt (let's face it- NYC is filthy), or no sleep and a poor diet (also guilty...).   It affected my already-fragile self-esteem instantly, so I went straight to the dermatologist and demanded a fix.  They put me on an antibiotic (Doxycycline) along with two topical creams which worked after a few weeks and the cysts went away.  I went off the meds after about three months, because my acne had cleared up and the pills made me feel like shit- they made my head hurt in the WORST way, and they also made me feel nauseous for about two hours after I would take them.  I was acne-free, apart from the occasional zit here or there during "that time of the month." But everyone gets those, so it really wasn't a biggie.

And then this happened: 

Please excuse my cracked-out/chapped lips...   Take note of the left side of my face and the cleft distortion on my chin.  And this is what my face looked like with a shit-ton of makeup caked on, so you can only imagine without... :-(  

About three months ago, I started to get these HUGE, underground cysts (that's how I like to refer to them since they never come to a head) only around my chin.  The first one appeared just on one side of my cleft chin and distorted the cleft so much that my chin looked huge- like Jay Leno, basically.  It was painful as fuck and I kept putting this topical cream, Aczone, on it, but nothing happened.  Then, I started getting more of those cysts... all of which were on my chin/jawline.  I wanted to die (maybe I'm dramatic, but when you're ego is as fragile as mine and you're constantly looking for a new job and on going on interviews, you want to look good and feel good about yourself... zits that distort your entire face and are literally painful do NOT help you achieve either).  I finally made a dermatologist appointment last month after the zits didn't go away.  I described everything to the doctor and he said the acne was hormonal and most certainly triggered by stress (since people release hormones that contribute to acne under stress).  The doctor put me on this new pill that is meant to lower high-blood pressure, however, it has proven results at treating hormonal acne.

After almost three weeks of 100mg of this shit a day, I can say that the zits are finally going away... THANK GOD ( and science too ;)  ).  Seriously though... I cried a couple of times because of the combination of physical and emotional pain.  Acne is triggered by stress, but my stress level sky-rockets even more when the acne flares up.  I think my next prescription should be xanax.  For real though, I don't know a better candidate and I'm sure anyone who is reading this that knows me will agree...  Additionaly, the cysts just couldn't be covered up by ANY makeup, because they were basically mountains on my face.  Do you know how difficult it is to put your best face forward at an interview when you're chin is distorted?! I mean, clearly there are people out there who have it far worse or facial deformities, etc. etc., however, I would never wish acne on anyone... and I hope everyone who has it has access to insurance and a good dermatologist who will help them out.

The other benefits of this drug is that it reduces water retention and makes a lot of first time users lose weight... awesome ;)   this is TMI, but I didn't even get bloated this month ;) SCORE!!!!!!  The way things are going, I should be completely acne free in the next couple of weeks (knock on wood).

The year is off to a good start- acne is going bye-bye, I'm going to Vegas for my B-day in February, I've already had one interview, and I just purchased a sweet little bikini from Victoria's Secret (pics to follow in my next blog... you know how I do around here!!!!).   ;) we like to keep it sexy ;)