After teetering on the edge of sanity for the past month or so, I took a long, over-due trip upstate to visit my family and friends and relax in the solitude of nature for a while. I have been planning this trip home for the past two months, and thought it would be the perfect opportunity for me to unwind and hang out with the people I love the most while my boyfriend was in Cali getting work done on his tattoos. Little did I know I would end up with what is possibly deep-vein thrombosis, jaundice, and even more anxiety than I left with.
The trip started out with me having not slept and in an extreme state of emotional fragility (<---- nothing new there...). Needless to say, I'm sure my father was alarmed when I passed out in the car on the way home from Binghamton. I had my annual OBGYN appointment and despite the fact that Aunt Flow was MIA for three months running due to extreme stress levels and anxiety, and despite the fact my Dr. acknowledged that this was the reason for its absence, and despite the fact I told him my anxiety has been out the roof lately, he didn't seem at all concerned and told me I should just 'try working it out.' Guess I'll be taking up mediation and yoga this week....
I had plans to see one of my girlfriends that night but ended up passing out on my parent's couch while watching River Monsters at 6pm. I woke up to cancel with my friend and passed back out.
Yesterday started off fine and dandy enough- I felt well-rested, I had several plans to keep me busy throughout the day, and despite the fact that it was pouring rain outside, I was in a really great mood. I got my hairs trimmed and then took a ride with my dad to the woods to check out the cabin and so he could get some firewood as the temperature had dropped from 65 to 30 degrees over a 24-hour period. The rain had turned to snow by early afternoon and I couldn't believe that it was snowing so hard on April 15th. I had thought that I was finally out of winter... no such luck. I chilled inside all day with my baby (Bijou), and then met my friend for a drink around 7. She picked me up since I was on the way, but I was determined not to let this be an excuse to drink too much. My other friend was not meeting us until around 8:30, so we paced ourselves. I had two cosmos over a 2 hour period and even ordered some extra-fat-laden chili cheese fries because I knew it would prevent me from drinking too much and also prevent me from getting too drunk. I ordered a third cosmo which I split with my friend before we all left. I decided I didn't want the fun to end though (what's new?) and instead of getting dropped off back at my house with the friend that had driven me in the first place, I decided it would be fun to sleep over on my other friend's couch since we had SO much to catch up on and I hadn't seen her since November. I had her stop by my rents house so I could grab my phone charger and some CDs (I was determined to listen to Free Bird for some odd reason).
We stopped at the local convenient store as we needed some 'provisions' while we listened to my shitty assortment of CDs loaded with shitty 90s music. Yesterday, before the weather had taken a turn for the worse, I wanted to sit on her porch in what I thought would be the warm Spring air, and talk all night like the days of yore. Since that wasn't an option, given the frickin snow storm taking place, we sat in her car, in her driveway, blasting Breakfast at Tiffany's and Elton John. I ended up smoking many, many camel crushes (I don't smoke, and the last time I indulged in a cigarette drunk I had vowed never to do so again), but for some reason last night seemed like a special occasion... they were calling my name. We took many videos of ourselves lip-synching and screaming the lyrics of such tunes as "I saw My Baby" from Labyrinth, and Breakfast at Tiffany's. I was having so much fun... and then my phone died. Like, for good this time. It is dead.
Needless to say, I went ballistic. It was late, I knew I should go home despite my previous desire to sleep on her couch, and now that my phone had passed away, I was desperate to contact my boyfriend and say goodnight. I started getting anxiety as a tried desperately to get my phone to turn on. I ended up calling my poor father, whom had previously said he'd pick me up if I needed a ride home mind you, and he had to come save my anxiety ridden ass at 2:30am.
When I arrived home, my mom was pretty livid given the state I was in. I was in hysterics as I once again tried to save my phone and kept asking to use her phone. I can see now, why she was pissed at me. I was crying and screaming things like "my phone is dead, my phone is dead!!!! I need to get a new one." Yes, now I know why my mom was pissed off at me... wtf is my problem?! Clearly getting a new phone isn't an option at 3am, so I got on fb, procured my boyfriend's number (I should memorize it for emergencies such as this...) and proceeded to scribble it down on my forearm in blue sharpy... If only my phone/camera worked, I'd post a picture now.. but It's going to have to wait until later this afternoon when I have a new phone.
I am such a sloppy bitch sometimes. I swear to God, I wasn't even that drunk. I was probably just ODing on nicotine if that is such a thing...
As I sit here now, I can hear my phone alerting me that I have texts... they just keep coming in, however my screen is black and nothing I do will turn it on... my anxiety is skyrocketing knowing I have texts I can't read.... this is an issue I need to work on.
My mom is home from work now, and I have apologized for my erratic and wild behavior. She has forgiven me...thank god.
As awesome as we thought those videos we took last night were, I hope they never see the light of day. Last night is truly a night that goes down in my history of most memorable nights. I really need to be leashed sometimes. My friend even told me when we were sitting at the table and I had only had one drink that she could see that 'wild look' in my eye. It's not the first time people have called me out on that look... that look means trouble. Next time someone sees me with that look, please put a leash on me and keep it tight.... I thought I'd grow out of this wild behavior, but it seems like it's not going away anytime soon. YOLO. Jk... honestly though, this is something I really HAVE TO work on. Especially since it's all fun and games until something I don't like or disagree with happens and I go on a rampage.
I'd like to apologize to all of the loved ones that have ever had do deal with me when I'm out of control. Whether it's me calling at 2:30am because my anxiety is so bad that I can't stop crying, or my drunken antics, or my wild behavior when I'm pissed off. I can't promise that I will stop the crying (I'm very emotional) or the frantic phone calls when I can't sleep and am worried about something completely out of my control, but I can promise that it's something I'm going to work on.
At least I got ID'ed last night... that made me feel good about myself. However, I'm pretty sure that after last night's escapades I look about 40 today. Sigh. As I sit here typing, I'm not hungover at all, which is proof that my behavior wasn't a result of the cosmos. However, I do think I have jaundice and possibly lung cancer as a result of the cigarettes... never ever ever again.
God, I can't wait to get a new phone...
