Reality Bites? Only sometimes.

Ohhhhh Myyyyy.  Yes, that is the only way to describe my life as of late.  You know how it goes... it's like an old, rusty set of scales that are never quite in balance.  One area of life goes up and the other goes down.  Well, one area of my life has been rather promising as of late, and then suddenly my hopes and dreams of having secured a new job for August abruptly came crashing down when I was informed the project was pushed back so they were not hiring.  See what I mean?  I was almost 100% sure I would be starting a new job at the end of August and then a quick email severed my precious heartstrings and sent me into a state of emotional distress and mental anguish over my future finances.  Never EVER put too much stock into anything, no matter how assured you are that it will come to fruition... one never knows what tomorrow will bring.  It has been the biggest learning experience of my adult life not getting my hopes and dreams up.  It is very hard for a dreamer like myself who loves to imagine the best scenario in every situation.  Never ever let those fairytales get to your head; whether they are fairytales of romance, fairytales of wealth, or fairytales of a kick-ass career.  At the end of the day, you can only rely on yourself in this world (even though I rely on pretty much everyone at any given time).  It's once again back to the old grind of craigslist job searching for me.  Jesus christ... will I be poor forever?  Not if I can help it...

I was talking with one of my best friends yesterday and we came to the consensus that one of the only expenditures you don't have guilt over when it comes to dropping money (despite the fact that you are broke as a joke) is alcohol and entertainment.  One would think that if you are poor, this is an area of life where you should be spending the least amount of money... WRONG.  When you are living pay check to pay check, you know for a fact that there is no way you can afford a vacation or a large purchase that would make you otherwise happy (like a sick mint-green beach cruiser with a little woven basket in the front, or a new bag, or some new heels... hey, a bitch can dream).  Therefore, despite the fact that your fridge is bare-bones, and you are sad you are a woman because you have added expenditures like boxes of tampons and mascara, you have no problem spending $16 on a bottle of wine or $60 at the bar to forget the fact that you are so poor for a while.  Forgetting you are poor IS the vacation.  Jesus christ that is soooo pathetic.  I can't stop saying "Jesus Christ."  What has my life come to?! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG (<----- said in manner of blonde valley girl).  sigh.  At least I am young (for the time being).  At least I am smart (in some aspects).  At least I am healthy (aside from my emotional instability... just kidding).  I am thankful for that.

Now for some promising news, my foster cats will be leaving the weekend of August 3rd/4th.  This is a major relief for me since they have been the bane of my existence since they arrived on February 1st.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard right:  I've had these foster cats for approximately EIGHT fucking months now.  I feel bad that I'm so sore over the subject- but the previous fosters I had only stayed with me for one month each.  It has been so taxing taking care of two cats.  Their poo and pizzle is soooo smelly I want to occasionally die when I walk into my apartment if they have relieved them selves while I'm away.  There have actually been a couple of nights when I was so depressed about life that coming home and having to scoop cat shit at 1:30am has been the breaking straw that sent me into uncontrollable sobbing.  Do you know how pathetic it is to come home to an empty apartment and sob uncontrollably as you scoop cat shit at 1:30am?!  It's just wrong on every level.  They only ever let me pet them when it is meal time, and they wake me up in the early hours of the morning knocking shit around and meowing (and possibly having gay, cat sex).  I know it's not their fault that they are the way the are... but for heaven's sake, I can't go on living like this.  I honestly believe they should have been neutered and returned to the streets from whence they came.  I'm sorry, but some cats can't be domesticated, especially after living their entire lives on the streets without human owners.  Agreeing to foster two cats without a set, end-date was possibly one of the most uninformed decisions I have ever made.  I am also OCD about the cleanliness of my apartment and I am CONSTANTLY vacuuming, sweeping up litter, lint-rolling black cat hairs, etc.  I cannot wait until I don't have to do this anymore because it is very time consuming.  I mean, for fuck's sake- I had a two hour break in between shifts at Highline last Sunday, and I spent it running back to Williamsburg to make sure the cats were fed dinner and to scrub my floors.  Furthermore, going home for even a couple of days was a real pain in the ass if my sister was going upstate too,  because then I felt guilty leaving the cats and would always return back to an extra smelly apartment.  NOT COOL.  I hope for their sake they find a good home with a true cat fanatic who doesn't care that her/his apartment smells and gets dirty.  I am not the one.

Last night I went out with another one of my friends and it was so good to have a discussion about life with someone who is in the exact same boat as me (so to speak).  I am happy to know that I am not the only twenty-something who is confused about life, stressed about work/finances, and scared about the future.  It's good to know I'm not the only one who loves going home just for the full fridge of food at my fingertips, or that I'm not the only one who hates having to spend money on necessities like razors, shampoo, dish soap, and paper towels when there are so many better things to spend money on.  If I knew what life in my twenties would have been like 6 years ago, I wonder if I would have prepared differently or made different decisions.  Probably not.   I suppose there is nothing I really could have done differently to prepare myself for the present.  However, It sure as hell would have been nice if the economy/job market hadn't crashed a few years before I graduated.  That really fucked over pretty much everyone in my immediate age group.  Now I'm just getting angry about things I can't control.... changing the subject:

I think I should throw a party and get back to my roots as an entertaining goddess this month.  I need to make the best of my summer while it is still here and I really feel like cooking/baking/decorating (I am such a woman).  Not that I haven't been having a fair amount of fun ;)  I definitely have been having a pretty decent summer in the city.  I recently acquired a small table from a friend that I plan to turn into a sick mini bar.  I am going to paint and lacquer it black (sings: I see a red door and I want it painted black, no colors anymore I want them to turn black... lmao; that's my motto for any piece of furniture I get... everything looks better in either lacquered black or stark white).  But, anyhow, I'm painting it black and then i am going to get a mirrored tray for the top and some sort of little wine rack for the second shelf.  I lovvvvee having physical projects to keep my busy.  It's so therapeutic to keep your hands busy sanding, painting, or sewing... it is like a mental relaxation technique which is great for a person like myself whom never stops thinking.  Goddamn, I love life even if it is a real bitch sometimes.

Laying on the terrace, contemplating the meaning of life one evening.  I'm so fucking deep it kills me... ahahahaha.  JK 

It's a vicious cycle

Now that summer is in full swing, things seem to be looking up.  I'm not planning on getting complacent, because I doubt this high will last (they never do), but I will enjoy every good moment for what it is worth.  I have a job lined up for this fall (99% sure... I'm banking on absolutely nothing 100% until papers are signed), but it definitely gives me something to look forward to and has put part of my mind at ease (the part constantly worrying whether or not I should stay in NYC and renew my lease).  I had a decent week at Highline so I treated myself to some American Apparel trash and new sneakers from Urban.  It's a good thing I purchased them when I did, because I threw out three pairs of shoes in the last week.  My favorite Espadrilles bit the dust one day when the entire sole detached from the wedge.  My suede Vans that were once white, had turned a dingy shade of grey, so they got chucked, and then my pink, cheapo sneakers got the chuck after they tore my feet up for the last time. Just another excuse to go shopping!  Why oh why oh why do I love clothes SO much?   I just wish I could play dress up all day, every day.  This is exactly why a costume shop is where I belong....

I am so excited to go upstate next weekend for my niece's one year birthday party (we're celebrating her birthday in the city this weekend, but next weekend will be family!!!!).  I miss my sweet Bijou and Ceely so much, and am dying for some peach sangria with my friends.  Hopefully I won't regress back into another upstate binge since I just ended a six-week binge and am finally back on track to recovering my body after drowning my sorrows in alcohol and San Loco at 4am.

Finally starting to see my man-V again.  It was missing for a while there.  And no, I don't work out.  I just stopped eating after 8pm, because late night dining was bringing me down. 

I was playing in my closet when I decided that next year for Halloween, I'm going to be a Spanish Seductress.  I bought this from Victoria's Secret two years ago and have yet to wear it.  

I'm surprised that Victoria's secret didn't have to pull this costume because it's offensive to Spaniards... they had to pull the Japanese inspired one from the site last year after too many Asians complained.  

Despite the fact that I've been wearing less clothes than ever now that the weather is warm and treating myself to the highest of heels, I have been on a real feminist kick lately.  I don't know what spurred it; probably the fact that every Saturday night I get hit on by douche bag jersey-shore trash while I do door hostessing at Highline.  It's so sad the way that some dudes think that because they're mildly attractive and compliment you that they think that they'll be able to take you home if they invite you out for drinks.  The new video for that song "Blurred Lines" really pissed me off too, not to mention the song's lyrics.  I know a true feminist strives for equality, but sometimes a violent, suppressed part of me really wants to retaliate by making a music video where I talk about degrading a dude during sex (that he may or may not want in the first place) and making him parade around naked while I sit there taking in the beauty of his naked body while I remain fully-clothed.  It's just that I feel like there is this continual perpetuation of rape culture in today's world, and it is reaffirmed over and over again by simple things like song lyrics or common jokes or things we see on the internet.  Yes the song is catchy, and yes, everyone is welcome to freedom of speech, but as a woman who has been put in situations I did not necessarily condone in the past,  I hate the idea of a guy saying he knows that 'someone wants it.'  

As a woman, I have been in situations time and time again where I was just being myself and someone made assumptions that were incredibly inaccurate.  Just because I am making out with you, doesn't mean I 'want it.'  Just because I invite you in so you can take a piss, doesn't mean 'I asked for it."  I think maybe I just need a chill pill.  Society just infuriates me so much sometimes.  I also hate how it has become normal for guys to refer to girls as bitches amongst the members of my generation.  To me, the term 'bitch,' is like the N-word is for black people.  Like, if a friend calls me a bitch in a joking manner (ex. "where my bitches attttttt"), then it is acceptable.  Or, if I was truly acting like a nasty person and someone was like, "why are you acting like such a bitch?" it'd be one thing; but for guys to openly refer to women as 'bitches'... it's just not ok.  Oh well.  I guess the fact that there are musical artists out there like Lil' Kim and Khia talking about dudes as purely sexual objects, compensates somewhat for all of the songs by male artists where women are made out to be purely sex objects.  

I started getting very nostalgic a few days ago when I was on facebook and looking at photos from Cliff Street.  I miss having my girl friends in the same town so we can hang out nightly.  I also miss throwing outrageous parties.  Being an adult is not all I thought it was going to be when I was young.  I just wish I could go back to acting like a wild child for a few weeks and get it out of my system.  Seeing my former self dancing on a stripper pole in my living room, throwing a white trash themed party, and generally being out of of control makes me think that it is time for me to get a little bit out of control.  It's just so hard to get out of control when you aren't living with your best friends whom will keep you in check if you take it too far.  I'm tempted to post pictures... but there is a reason those tagged photos are private on FB.  Pretty sure my friends would not want there faces splashed about my blog either since they all have fairly respectable jobs. ahahahaha.  Ugh.  Maybe at the end of summer, I will throw a blow out party at home.  There will be tubs of home made sangria, jungle juice, far too much vodka, colored lights, a huge fire, and the resurrection of Jasper (he currently resides in a plastic tub underneath my bed upstate, along with the vintage David Bowie photograph, a few very special wine bottles, and other cliff street mementos).  That is something to look forward to.... :D    I know I should be proud of myself for having not thrown up or cried after drinking in a long time... but part of me misses the time in my life where that was a normal occurrence.  Watch out world... I'm feeling wild.