I can't sleep despite my best efforts, so I decided to write a blog, since I've been really negligent lately due to work, job interviews (more on that in a minute) and life. Since my computer is my primary source of entertainment, and because I had already watched the best that Netflix had to offer (OMG... 'Girl Model' is finally on Netflix- I was pumped!), I started looking at old photos I have stored on my computer from the days when my macbook's camera was actually functional (this was before the infamous hot-water spill). Being the narcissist that I am, most of the pictures are of myself, and I was taken aback by how young I was. I mean, it was only 7 years ago... less even... how did I look so much younger? I looked like a baby. I wonder if 7 years from now, I will look back on photos from this age and think to myself, "shit son, I was fucking young!".
If I knew then, what I know now. ha. Jk... I still don't know that much, but I'm learning, and that is what counts. I just got out of my first and only relationship a little over a month ago now. The past three years of my life were awesome and much needed for my growth as an individual; I learned a lot about myself and what I want in life, but in a lot of ways the last three years were a major distraction. When things started to go on a steady decline downhill, I stopped caring about myself to a large extent, and I put so much time and energy into fixing something I didn't have the power to fix. I was sad for a long time- and confused. How do you say 'good bye' to a person who had become one of your best friends? The person you can tell everything to... the person you loved with your heart and soul. Being the naive, v-card holding, inexperienced, dreamer I was when I was 22, I had a secret fantasy the relationship would last for eternity. I tried my hardest to make that sweet, little fairy-tale happen, until the day I woke the fuck up and realized I was wasting both of our time. I learned the hard way after being hurt again and again, that you can't fix someone else. I won't make that mistake again.
Life is pretty crazy. I remember being 18 and feeling so pathetic and alone because I had never had a boyfriend and had kissed one guy. I remember thinking I was ugly, and that's why no one wanted to date me. I mean, the reality of the situation is, I was an introverted nerd all throughout high school, and immediately after graduating I went to a school consisting of girls and gays. I know you shouldn't measure yourself based on other's validation, but I'm pretty sure my lack of romance really affected my self-confidence. Despite being a narcissist, I still feel pretty busted most days. It's something I've been working on for a while, but still need major improvement upon.
Life has been looking up for me this week. Today I had an interview for an editorial assistant position with Topix Media Lab... I really, really, really want it. Next week, I have an interview for a costume internship with 'Sleep No More.' Hopefully one of these works about. I've tried not to get my hopes up, because every time I get my hopes up, they are quickly bludgeoned down. haha.. yes, i am dramatic.
I really want eggnog right now; it's such a shame that stores don't make it during the spring/summer months... I might have to make my own now. Also, I really want perogies with lots of sour cream. And now I want San Loco... delicious catfish tacos and chipotle chicken tacos...
