Today I went to visit my grandma, and as usual, our time together was basically a one hour comedy sketch, minus the live audience. As I sat on the floor doing splits and backbends (this is normal behavior when I visit my grandma- she has a really spacious living room and I enjoy doing headstands and walkovers for no particular reason, other than the fact that I'm a free bitch and I do as I like) I put my legs over my head, knowing that it would impress my grandma and make her laugh. Her response was much more than I'd anticipated and she told me that "[I] could get a job doing that on a stage for money." Really grandma?! You'd support me being a stripper or a contortionist in Cirque du Soleil? I'm pretty sure that's the only place I could make a living putting my legs behind my head (other than becoming a high class prostitute, but that's not about to happen). Usually my grandma is harping on me about the poor decision I made when I went to school for fashion merchandising and then theatre. She loves to tell me that I should just go back to school for a medical profession or marry a rich man... thanks for the support and words of encouragement. Then she was staring at me and told me I needed to gain weight because, "men like a woman with a big butt and some meat on their bones." Last I checked, I was in America. This isn't sub-saharan Africa, and it is not my duty to sit in a little hut and be force-fed by my relatives until I'm obese, so that a man will love me and be able to physically see that I have sufficient money to afford enough food. Oh well. At least I never feel bad going over to see her and eating all of her cheddar cheese and pecan turtles; I love that grandmas love to feed their grandkids. I remember my other grandma taking me to McDonald's for an after-school snack at least three times a week (this "snack" being a happy meal). She would always make me promise that I would eat dinner for my parents when I went home, but when you're 8 years old, a happy meal fills you up, and so I would sit at the kitchen counter feeding steak to my dog. When my parents asked if my grandmother had brought me to McDonald's again, I would deny, deny, deny. haha. The perks of being a grandparent really must rival being an actual parent, now that I think about it... fun with the kids without the responsibility of enforcing rules or being strict...
In this economy though, I may never know the joys of being a parent, let alone a grandparent. I always wanted to adopt kids someday, but in this state of economic hardship, I may have no other option because by the time I can afford kids, I will probably be pushing 45 and physically unable to have my own. My little Mongolian baby will be the kid in school to whom all of his friends ask the question: "Is that your mom or grandma?". Sigh... hopefully by the time I can afford children, I can also afford regular botox injections. lol.
I've spent most of my day searching for jobs in the city and most of the ones that I have found seem to require 4-5 years industry experience. I'm not sure how one is expected to acquire experience if they can't get hired in the first place because they lack experience. Very discouraging, let me tell you. I am now on page 115 of my book. I'm not even sure why I keep writing, because I'm pretty sure finding a publisher without ever having had any of your work published is a near impossibility. Oh well. At this point, publishing a book sounds like less of a challenge then finding another job.
Believe me when I say, that the motivation to find another job doubles almost every day I go into work at my current place of employment (*cough* Mollister *cough*). I'm pretty sure the only other profession that could make a relatively fit, 24-year-old manage to feel ugly, old, and fat is the fashion industry. Honestly though, half the girls I work with take diet pills, and they're only like 20 and they're already slim to begin with. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I clearly discourage this activity when I hear them talking about it. I often feel like I'm mentoring them even though I'm only 3-4 years older than most of them. There have been times that I will find myself in a situation that I like to refer to as the 'sick circle of fucked-up-ness' where I will observe three associates of relative size and weight arguing as to which one of them is smaller. It's just so messed up, the kind of disillusioned body images that attractive, thin girls can have in their head. I suppose that you'll have that though, when your company hires an attractive girl over a smart one. Or when you take pictures of your associates to send to your district manager who in turn, sends them to some 'mystery' judge who decides whether they are attractive enough to make 'tracker.' That is fucked up. I can't wait to quit. Putting in my two weeks notice will be one of the most satisfying things I've ever done. Especially since I plan to do so in approximately one month, when my bank account has reached $10,000 and when our store will be in a blackout period (meaning that NO ONE is allowed to take time off). Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I can't wait to see the look on my DM's face when I tell her I'm done. How anyone can support this superficial company is truly beyond my comprehension. I often wonder if the people working in home office have to be attractive too. Hmm... Oh well, only a few more weeks of mental torture and heartache knowing that I'm supporting something I don't believe in... I can do this! God, I really hope I can find another job. :( It's so discouraging sometimes. Maybe I should just lie on my resume like half of America probably does. But knowing my luck, they'd hire me and tell me to do something with a computer that I said that I had experience in and I would be shit out of luck, haha.
I considered making a web page dedicated to all of my finer attributes and putting a link to it on my resume, like an extra element to encourage prospective employers to hire a fine girl such as myself. I don't know what I would say though. Perhaps it would go something like this:
Hi, my name is 'Lily White,' and if you hire me for the position of ____________, I can assure you it is a decision you will not regret. I will be your slave (short of performing sexual favors- though I will come cook for you on a nightly basis and give you back massages upon request). I may complain about my current job in said blog, but if you read what I've actually posted, I'm sure you will agree with how blatantly discriminatory the company that I currently work for is, and support my decision to NOT support said discrimination in the work place. See? I'm an open-minded, non-racist, egalitarian! I get along with nearly everyone! I am funny, I am creative, and I am a hard worker, especially when I actually like the work I'm doing ( wink)! I mean, I hate the work that I'm doing right now, and I still work 14 hour days with no over-time pay, go to 8am meetings on my days off (that cost more to drive to then I am even being paid), and basically swallow my feminist pride when I pull on the pair of booty shorts that is my uniform every morning (as opposed to looking the part of manager and wearing heels and a blazer). I have basically sold my soul to the devil by working for this company that I hate, so imagine what I will do for you if I'm working for a company I love... I will be the exemplary employee; other employees will applaud my efforts and look up to me. No, but really; despite the fact that I hate my job, I do love most of my associates and the majority have told me I'm their favorite manager because I am friendly, positive, treat everyone as equals, and get work done without being a mega-bitch. That is an impressive accomplishment (I think) when the other managers have to use an iron-fist to get the associates to do any work and play favorite cards all the time. I'm killing that joint with kindness yo'. I was also valedictorian of my class and managed to hold down a 3.8 cumulative GPA in college, despite the fact that I had plenty of fun on the side. I can paint a mean portrait, write a hilarious song or comic book, and I can relate to almost every person that I've ever met on some level; I'm empathetic and compassionate. I'd rather feed a hungry cat than feed myself, if that is saying anything. I am smart, I learn quickly, and my ideas are simply brilliant (I have books full). I am a great team leader, and every team that I've ever been in charge of has gotten the winning grade, the extra praise, and succeeded in accomplishing every assignment we were given in a timely fashion. I am always on time, and usually early for work. What are my weaknesses, you ask? Only being a bit emotional at times. But I guess you'll have that when on the day your mom has a mini-stroke, your DM yells at you for missing a conference call that SHE is hosting when she told you that you could take a quick lunch break to call your family and later retracts that statement and tells you it's irresponsible. Other than that, I suppose my other weakness is not following regulations as strictly as I should. But when said regulations include violations consisting of having a few lunch menus tucked away into an office drawer, or letting your stock room manager have a little day-to-day cat calendar on the stock shelf, is that really so awful? I didn't think so. I believe the company I currently work for would be a lot better off if the manager were allowed a little more room to make their own decisions and get a bit more creative with how we run the business, instead of being told how to take care of EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. How are we supposed to grow and prosper as leaders when we have almost no authority given the detail of daily instruction we receive from home office, and the fact that we are punished if we deviate from that? Please hire me. I will do anything and everything to be the best __(insert title here)___ that you have ever known.
Love,
Lily White
