Confessions of a Balding Donkey

Once my sister told me I should try parting my hair to the extreme side.  I told her I was unable to pull this look off because it made me look like a 'balding donkey,' what, with my five-head and prominent facial features.  I've had people tell me when I flip my hair to the side it looks really good, but I look into the mirror and I see a balding donkey staring back, so this look never leaves the confines of my house.

I've made out with a lot of people in my day... most of them were moments of desperation I should like to forget.  I made some pretty poor choices in the make out department for a few years running; I think I was just trying to find a guy who would call me back after all he got at the end of the night was a kiss and nothing more.  At one point I didn't even care what the person looked like or what kind of douchebag they were, everyone was free game.  I made out with a guy who started talking about how sharks like to bite each other before having sex, and that really freaked me out.  I still can't believe my friends allowed that one to happen.  I also made out with this guy who is even thinner than me, with tons of tats and like, two hairs on his head... that was another sketchy night I can't believe ever happened in retrospect.  Once I made out with this kid who was a former drug addict and was using me for a pot connection.  I thought I fell in love with him and was shattered the next night when I heard him call someone on the other end of his phone conversation "baby."   Thank god my bf came into the picture when he did or lord only knows what kind of poor decisions I would have made.

I like to do naked squats in the morning wearing only a pair of high heels.  It makes me feel like a female version of Patrick Bateman, but it has been most affective on my muscles.

The summer I was 21, my bestfriend and I had a week that later came to be known as 'rage week.'  We both had some personal issues behind our alleged rage; mine was fueled by the fact I was a 21 year old virgin and no guys who showed interest in me ever called me back because I didn't put out.  I was in the midst of a quarter life crisis that would go on for another 8 months or so, culminating in one of the most eye-opening moments of clarity after a series of bad decisions led me to rock bottom. lmao... so dramatic I know ;)   Anyhow, we had many adventures both sober and drunk that week, and ran from the cops not once, but twice.  Classy.

I blocked this memory out until I was about 11 or 12 and then one day it struck me; I was in Gross Motor Skills as a kindergartener.  This was a class primarily occupied by developmentally/severely physically challenged children (those in the 'Special Ed.' class).  Apparently, I was so clumsy and prone to walking into shit, and awful at catching and throwing, my gym teacher suggested this class to my mother.  While everyone else in Mrs. Johnson's class had afternoon playtime, I was taken out of class to go toss dodge balls up and down, walk in straight lines, and jump over a sedentary rope with mentally challenged kids.  I forgot about this until middle school when I found myself always being picked last for kickball teams and must have had those recurring emotions of failure and being a castoff.

I can't eat animal fat.  I consume massive quantities of fat calories daily; I will drink a cup of heavy cream in my coffee, eat potato chips, eat anything battered, fried, or sauteed in oil, devour chocolate bars, but I cut every last bit of fat off of my meat, because the texture disgusts me.

In the morning, and in the afternoon, I use alone time in my car to scream obscenities and vent my daily frustrations:  for example, on the morning commute, I scream, "I fucking hate my job!!!!!!, I fucking miss my boyfriend!!!!! How the fuck did a girl like me end up working at Mollister?!  Someone fucking kill me neow!"  And then suddenly life seems a little bit more humorous and a little bit more tolerable and I manage to survive another 9 hour shift.  People passing me must think I'm on my way to kill someone if they catch me screaming.

It's been a while...

And I apologize for that... but not really because I doubt anyone gives a fuck about my blog or what I have to say, especially when most of what I have to say is entirely self-absorbed and superficial.  JK. hahahahhaha.  My blood sugar levels have spiked after having roast beef sub and a cannoli, so I'm pretty hyper and feeling good at the moment, after a rough couple of weeks and many foul moods and tears.  Last week my mom was in the hospital for a couple of days.  She is fine now, but it was definitely a scare, and I was working 10 hour days which sucked balls, so I was already stressed out.  Oh, and from this point forth, I will refer to my place of employment as "Chodes 'r Us."  Anyhow, work was rough and I wasn't getting proper lunch breaks due to the fact that there was no overlap in management schedules.  I almost lost my shit the day that I had to do a floor set by myself, two employees failed to show up, the district manager was coming to do an audit, and I found out my mom was in the hospital.... luckily for me, I found a mysterious cigarette in my center console.  Now, I don't smoke, and I never will, but that mysterious cigarette did wonders to calm my frazzled nerves on that particular day, even though I felt smelly and gross after it touched my lips and precious fingers.

I really don't want to go to work this afternoon... I hate Saturdays.  I caught my first shoplifter last saturday; he was a fat 13 year old who claimed he didn't know how the bottle of cologne he was trying to lift had gotten into his bag... right.  Let's hope this Saturday is not as busy and frazzling on my ancient nerves as I'm feeling rather touchy today and might snap.  I have been feeling geriatric since turning 24, though I don't know why.  I've got a serious case of the Benjamin Buttons and grow increasingly more attractive with each year that passes, in my opinion anyhow.  hahahah.  For example:  

BUSTED... I was the homeliest child on the planet.  I had an untamed fro, huge glasses, teeth that grew in too big for my tiny head, and a scrawny body.  Yipes.


I hope my children never have to go through an ugly phase like that.  Luckily for me, kids liked me because I was nice, I was smart so they could copy my homework, and I was artistic so I could draw them pictures... I never really got picked on until high school (but that was for being an over-achiever, not for being ugly, even though I still was).   It's safe to say I whole-heartedly plan to adopt in the future.

Bijou has pretty much become an indoor cat at this point in the game.   He loves spending time lazing about and getting high on catnip.  He also loves watching his mom get dressed up, and striking a pose with his mom... he is my gay boy after all.

And here is a gratuitous mirror shot, because at heart I am just one of the dumb sluts I despise.  JK.  



When I was out for my birthday celebration, we ended the night getting pizza, and that is when I saw the truly drunk and sloppy hos of Oneonta.  I wanted to snap a picture on my phone, but it would have been too suspicious so here is a rendering a re-created:

Her ass cheeks were hanging out of her skirt... and they were flat, sloppy, and cellulitey.  Yuck.  Oh, and her skirt was made of pink duct tape... classy.  Jesus h. Christ, even if I was a supermodel with the hottest ass cheeks ever (mine are pretty nice as they are) I wouldn't wear a skirt that exposed them in public.  What's wrong with people?


I will have 8,000 in my savings by April 1st, which isn't much in the grand scheme of things, but it's enough to let me quit my current job and find a better one and pay for a couple months rent.  I also plan on finishing my book by April 1st, and I know that I say this every month, but this time I mean it.   I am going to haul-ass home from work tonight in order to see the shit show that is Lindsay Lohan on SNL, followed by Jack White, who is pure sex appeal... if I didn't have a bf, and I was cool enough for Jack White, I'd be all over that.