1. How every year, the Victoria's Secret fashion show models get thinner and more skeletal, and the costumes get more and more clownish, yet they are put on a pedestal for their 'curvaceous' figures. Since when did a push-up bra qualify as having 'curves'? And since when was wearing a tutu and a fucking court-jester top sexy?
2. The fact that 15 year old models walk the runways wearing clothes that will be purchased by only very rich 30-50 year olds. I'm all for fashion being aspirational, and a woman can definitely aspire to being pretty, thin, etc... but since when did a grown woman aspire to be 15 years old again?
3. When people come into Mollister to purchase a gift card and are offended by the image of a girl in a bikini top, kissing a boy dressed in swim trunks on the card. I love when they say that they "can't possibly give a card that looks like this to [their] 11 year old niece." Bitch please! Your eleven year old niece has seen far worse if she watched Nickelodeon or has ever opened a magazine. In fact, your 11 year old has probably already seen soft-core porn in the movies, or real porn on the internet. What's wrong with some people? Do they not recall being 11 themselves? Or do they think their virginal 11 year old is going to turn into a sex-crazed deviant from seeing man nipple? It's not like she's never been to the beach or a public pool. Jesus.
4. The black woman who asked me if my hair was fake one week, and the next week told me I had the cutest little figure and 'looked so good in my skirt' and that her "niece tried to wear skirts like I had on, but was 'wider than the Al qaeder'"... I know you're only trying to distract me so you can smuggle out those hoodies and coats I saw your partner in crime de-sensor in the front room.
5. When the store manager rolls in 20 minutes late every morning and expects me to do all of the opening procedures while she dicks around; also, when the assistant manager rolls in 30 minutes late every afternoon, so I can't take my lunch until I've already worked a full 8 hours, or so I am 30 min. late leaving... on fucking salaried pay.
6. When older men hit on me and then follow up the compliment with a statement like, "I wish I was your age, but I'm probably old enough to be your father." No fucking shit, Sherlock; I didn't happen to notice those crow's feet around your eyes or heavy lines all over your aged skin.
7. When customers get angry and I get angry back and we have a verbal altercation at the cash register and they ask to see the manager, and then I say I am one and watch as their previously, unbridled confidence in their own, unjustified righteousness slowly fades from their smug, busted face.
7.5. I also love when they threaten to call corporate/customer service, because my response is usually, "good, that's who you should call. It's because of them that I'm unable to help you fix your problem right now, and I honestly cannot do a thing to help you at the moment because the system won't allow me to do so."
8. People who complain about their weight and say things like, "I used to be so tiny, I need to lose weight again and get back to where I was." Ok, then why are you eating waffle fries for lunch every day, drinking not one, but two frappuccinos with whipped cream on them, and getting Friendly's for dinner? Fat bitches.
9. When people post pictures of the most unimpressive engagement rings on FB. Maybe if you weren't getting engaged at the tender age of JUST OUT OF FUCKING COLLEGE, your significant other would be able to afford a little bit more impressive rock... now all you have to look forward to in life is pumping out babies. Why do people rush things? You have your whole fucking life to be married, so why not stick to living together and being monogamous in the mean time? Or at least until you can afford a decent wedding and house to live in.
10. People who keep pumping out babies and can't even afford to take care of themselves or the babies they already have. Classy. You know, most birth control is $5 every month, and soon it will be free... the cost of raising a baby (when the government isn't paying your expenses for you) is upwards of 1.5 million by the time they reach adulthood. Hmm... $5 for bc, or 1.5 million for a baby... it's a tough call, I know.
11. People who have a new significant other (that they are SO SERIOUS) about every other month or so. I guess when you claim you love someone after only a week, the course of the relationship is on a pretty fast track and you're only destined to break up after 2 months.
12. When sluts call other sluts 'sluts.'
13. Parents who hit their toddlers and scream at them. They should have their kids taken away because they're clearly awful parents/people who never should have had kids in the first place.
14. People who get pets they can't afford or take care of properly and give them away again. Would you give a child away because you didn't know what you were getting yourself into? People are so selfish and ignorant.
15. When girls want to fight other girls for sleeping with their boyfriends. Honey, why aren't you slapping the shit out of your boyfriend? He's the one who betrayed you and was a complete dirtbag behind your back.
16. People who post statuses like this: "I have the best girlfriend/boyfriend in the world!" ... well, you've obviously got some competition in the running for title of best gf/bf, because so-and-so also said they had the 'best gf in the world!' just yesterday.
17. When bitches get huge tattoos up their sides; you know that's the first place to go as soon as you have kids, or put on weight when you're older. That huge flower that looks hot in your 20s is going to make you look like white trash when you're 40 and rocking a bikini on the beach while your 9 and 10 year old build a sand castle.
18. People who eat fast food like it's going out of style. Have they never read an article about what that food is made out of, or how the animals going into that food are treated before they're slaughtered? I mean, I eat fast food maybe twice a year, but gd... some people must really not give a fuck about anyone or anything in this world but themselves because they eat that shit four times a week without batting an eye. I don't know, maybe I'm just the only one who likes to know that my eggs didn't come from sick, abused, nasty chickens living on a filthy, crowded farm where they were pumped full of antibiotics just so they didn't die in their cages. Maybe I'm the only one who likes to know that my chicken mcnuggets aren't just ground up nasty bits of chicken parts that are the leftovers from the real meat, and are then turned into a foamy paste and formed into 'white meat' nuggets. If I ever do have kids, they're never eating that shit.
19. Bitches with acrylic nails. Ew.
20. Bitches with hair extensions.... ewwww. Grow your own fucking hair. (unless of course you can't and in that case, a weave is acceptable)
21. When a guy is shopping with his girlfriend and gives me a once-over, and his girlfriend sees him doing it, and gives me a dirty look instead of being pissed at him for not keeping his eyes to himself. I love when that happens.
22. Customers who come into the store with strollers/shopping carts with babies in them and try to steal merchandise by throwing it into said stroller and get caught... are you really teaching your child up to be a thief this early in life?
23. People who will do anything for popularity and/or to be part of the 'in' crowd. They're always the most annoying people; I suppose that's why they need to be popular in order to accrue more fake friends, who also want to be popular... what a vicious cycle.
24. When I see a malnourished girl sipping a double mocha, whipped-cream topped frappuccino; bitch please, you're not fooling anyone... I know that's the only thing you're going to eat today.
25. When americans re-do foreign films, because they always ruin the integrity of the film and dumb it down to some extent. Why can't lazy American's just take the initiative to read subtitles?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Things
What a productive day off; I cleaned a house for an elderly lady, put up a 9ft fake pine for my grandma, wrapped a shit ton of Christmas pressies, did some much needed laundry, and played with my adorable cat (I consider this productive because due to my busy work schedule and Bijou's roaming schedule, it's hard to spend time with him when I have work; he's usually out roaming after he eats his din din and I come home). lol.
The elderly lady I clean house for once a week was especially crotchety and pessimistic today. First, let me explain why someone like myself would voluntarily scrub someone else's toilet in the first place. Once upon a time, when I was a full-time student at Oneonta seeking a part-time job, my uncle hooked me up with a once-a-week job, cleaning the Episcopal church's rectory. Weird, I know, but hey, it was money. Soon, people at the church were asking my uncle if I ever cleaned houses, and he hooked me up with a couple of clients who I cleaned for that following summer. I stopped cleaning when that Fall semester started and I found a 'real' job (Claires... what a joke, lol). Well, one rainy day this summer, I was at a friend's house when I got a call from one of the ladies I used to clean for asking me if I still clean. She was a well-meaning lady with a good heart, and so I said 'for her... yes.' So once a week, I go to her house and scrub tubs, toilets, and floors for a solid 2 hours (how terribly degrading darling). But hey, the money I make there pays for at least 3 days worth of gas for my commute to Binghamton, so I guess it's worth the degradation I suffer. Anyhoo, this older lady is really sweet and has a good heart, but she's always saying things like "I might not be here long" "I'm not long for this earth" "When I die..." etc. It gets terribly depressing. I know she has a physical condition that limits her mobility, and I can understand completely how that affects one's outlook on life (my grandma who passed away last year had severely limited mobility for years, and it was heart-breaking)... but GD! I walked in and saw information for a funeral plot laying on her table this week! She's not that old, and she has a seemingly loving husband and animals and stuff so I'm not sure why she is morbidly obsessed with her death prematurely. This week, in addition to joking about not being long for this world, she insisted I take a bag of 'clean, never-worn' underwear she had bought that she couldn't fit into and now had hanging from her door. She told me the underwear were 'too big for her,' when she always comments about how thin I am and she probably weighs a good 60 lbs more than me... really lady? You think these underwear are going to fit me, when they are too big for you? I mean, I know my ass is large compared to the rest of my frame but I don't wear cotton briefs, especially not ones that were pre-owned and purchased in bulk. I guess it's the thought that counts? I tried to pull the old trick I used to pull when my grandma would try to pawn something off on me that I didn't want, and slyly slip out the door without it ("oopsie, I forgot it!"), however she screamed after me, "Don't forget those underwear!"...and so I was forced to take a bag's worth of cotton, size 8 briefs with me to my Grandma's house where I planned to set up her tree. I ditched the undies in her garage before she answered the door... I'm now patiently awaiting the phone call from her where she asks if I know where the 24 pack of underwear sitting in her garage came from, lol. My grandma was pretty pessimistic today as well. "I'm just not in the Christmas spirit this year, I just don't feel good... I'm getting too old....this might be one of my last Christmases." Way to stay positive G-ma! Naturally I put on the Peggy Lee Christmas album to inject some holiday cheer into both of our lives, while I hauled 45 lb. segments of a 9ft. tree up the basement stairs alone. All the while I was doing this my grandma offered words of encouragement and gratitude like, "I don't think you're strong enough to do that!" "Why don't you just let your uncle put it up?!" "That tree is just too big, I don't even think I want that tree up this year!" "you're going to break your back girl!" "I don't think either of us really feels like doing the tree today, you look as tired as me!" Thanks Grandma. This only made me all the more determined to slap that tree together though, so I worked like the petite donkey I am and assembled that piece-o- shit, fake-ass pine LICKITY SPLIT! And let me tell you what... it looked fabulous! I'm pretty sure my grandma felt a bit more cheerful after the tree was assembled and decorated.
Tonight I wrapped the bulk of my Christmas pressies, as I was feeling rather festive after assembling the faux-fir tree, and little Bijou came inside to help with the task. I am receiving another shipment Friday, and am stoked because I also purchased a little 'pick-me-up' in the form of some skin-tight hotpants for myself (Urban Outfitter's clearance sale rocks... where else can you find shorts that were originally $90 reduced to $20?!)
I must say, I got a bit nostalgic as I drew up this list, and remembered the days of yore when I was younger and more carefree, wishing for naked soccer teams, persian cats, alexander mcqueen dresses, and cases of Cristal. I remembered the fantastical Christmas list I posted on my bedroom door at Cliff Street when I was at Oneonta two years ago. I got so nostalgic I became a bit emo. Sigh. Now I really need those hotpants to be delivered.... and those heels as well. I miss being young, drunk 5 nights out of 7, and basically a walking, mostly- functional shitshow (sometimes). Those were the days....
The elderly lady I clean house for once a week was especially crotchety and pessimistic today. First, let me explain why someone like myself would voluntarily scrub someone else's toilet in the first place. Once upon a time, when I was a full-time student at Oneonta seeking a part-time job, my uncle hooked me up with a once-a-week job, cleaning the Episcopal church's rectory. Weird, I know, but hey, it was money. Soon, people at the church were asking my uncle if I ever cleaned houses, and he hooked me up with a couple of clients who I cleaned for that following summer. I stopped cleaning when that Fall semester started and I found a 'real' job (Claires... what a joke, lol). Well, one rainy day this summer, I was at a friend's house when I got a call from one of the ladies I used to clean for asking me if I still clean. She was a well-meaning lady with a good heart, and so I said 'for her... yes.' So once a week, I go to her house and scrub tubs, toilets, and floors for a solid 2 hours (how terribly degrading darling). But hey, the money I make there pays for at least 3 days worth of gas for my commute to Binghamton, so I guess it's worth the degradation I suffer. Anyhoo, this older lady is really sweet and has a good heart, but she's always saying things like "I might not be here long" "I'm not long for this earth" "When I die..." etc. It gets terribly depressing. I know she has a physical condition that limits her mobility, and I can understand completely how that affects one's outlook on life (my grandma who passed away last year had severely limited mobility for years, and it was heart-breaking)... but GD! I walked in and saw information for a funeral plot laying on her table this week! She's not that old, and she has a seemingly loving husband and animals and stuff so I'm not sure why she is morbidly obsessed with her death prematurely. This week, in addition to joking about not being long for this world, she insisted I take a bag of 'clean, never-worn' underwear she had bought that she couldn't fit into and now had hanging from her door. She told me the underwear were 'too big for her,' when she always comments about how thin I am and she probably weighs a good 60 lbs more than me... really lady? You think these underwear are going to fit me, when they are too big for you? I mean, I know my ass is large compared to the rest of my frame but I don't wear cotton briefs, especially not ones that were pre-owned and purchased in bulk. I guess it's the thought that counts? I tried to pull the old trick I used to pull when my grandma would try to pawn something off on me that I didn't want, and slyly slip out the door without it ("oopsie, I forgot it!"), however she screamed after me, "Don't forget those underwear!"...and so I was forced to take a bag's worth of cotton, size 8 briefs with me to my Grandma's house where I planned to set up her tree. I ditched the undies in her garage before she answered the door... I'm now patiently awaiting the phone call from her where she asks if I know where the 24 pack of underwear sitting in her garage came from, lol. My grandma was pretty pessimistic today as well. "I'm just not in the Christmas spirit this year, I just don't feel good... I'm getting too old....this might be one of my last Christmases." Way to stay positive G-ma! Naturally I put on the Peggy Lee Christmas album to inject some holiday cheer into both of our lives, while I hauled 45 lb. segments of a 9ft. tree up the basement stairs alone. All the while I was doing this my grandma offered words of encouragement and gratitude like, "I don't think you're strong enough to do that!" "Why don't you just let your uncle put it up?!" "That tree is just too big, I don't even think I want that tree up this year!" "you're going to break your back girl!" "I don't think either of us really feels like doing the tree today, you look as tired as me!" Thanks Grandma. This only made me all the more determined to slap that tree together though, so I worked like the petite donkey I am and assembled that piece-o- shit, fake-ass pine LICKITY SPLIT! And let me tell you what... it looked fabulous! I'm pretty sure my grandma felt a bit more cheerful after the tree was assembled and decorated.
Tonight I wrapped the bulk of my Christmas pressies, as I was feeling rather festive after assembling the faux-fir tree, and little Bijou came inside to help with the task. I am receiving another shipment Friday, and am stoked because I also purchased a little 'pick-me-up' in the form of some skin-tight hotpants for myself (Urban Outfitter's clearance sale rocks... where else can you find shorts that were originally $90 reduced to $20?!)
Bijou, getting festive on the sheepskin
"I can has presents too?"
I also did my annual/traditional "Fantasy Wish List." This year's list was a bit more reasonable than years past (where I asked for million dollar bras, whole soccer teams delivered to my door, and apartments in multiple cities across the globe):
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