Octopussy- I love food.

I am gearing up for the Nine Inch Nails/Soundgarden concert this Saturday... I have literally been waiting all summer, fucking salivating over the songs on my Pandora stations (and salivating over Chris Cornell... jk- but not really...) waiting for this epic concert.  I know, I'm pathetic ;)

No, but honestly.... I have only been this excited for a concert once before... well maybe twice before;  I was pretty stoked for Silverchair the summer I was 19 (I was in love with Daniel Johns at the time) and pretty excited for the Kings of Leon concert at Madison Square Garden that my sister got me tickets for.  I've never been to an outdoor arena concert before, and the fact that my boyfriend and I are taking a party bus is very exciting to me... this way I we can get wasted and not worry about anything.  PERFECT :D Not to mention, this is literally the first weekend I had had off in months.  I NEVER take weekends off since it isn't really conducive to my schedule, but the fact that I'm going to party hard on a Saturday night and then spend Sunday hungover as fuck (like a normal person) is kind of thrilling to me. I usually party on a Sunday or in the middle of the week and hate my life because I still have to go into work at like 1pm or 4pm the next day.

I know- the video is pretty freaky-deaky, but I can't wait to hear this song live!

And of course I can't wait to hear this classic...   

I think Sunday afternoon, despite whatever hangover or come down I'm dealing with after Saturday's festivities, I want to try to film that Kickstarter video for "Not Your Grandma's Meatballz" (please refer to previous entry if you're wondering what "Not Your Grandma's Meatballz" is).  I have to get this shit up and running.  I've been making some pretty epic meals lately.  Last weekend, my boyfriend and I decided to cook Octopus (hence the title of this blog).  We purchased a 2.4 lb. Octopus at Chelsea Market and after reviewing a few Youtube videos on how to properly cook the octopus, we made the most delicious pasta of all time... here are some pictures documenting the best pasta I've ever had:

Not very appetizing looking, I know.  The texture was so weird; part of me cringed everytime I touched it, and another part of me wanted to keep feeling it... I'm a freak.  I was proud of myself though, because I cut its eyes out and took the beak out... I'm such a badass.

Yes, those are corks in the water.  The youtube video we watched on how to cook it instructed us to put corks in the water because apparently they prevent the meat from becoming rubbery due to some chemical compound, and also they help eliminate the fishy odor.  

Cutting the cooked octopus up... a man's job. 

I made the sauce from scratch... it was so F*cking good... 

The finished product... voila!  

The weekend before was a total meatball fest... we made both Swedish meatballz and meatballz with mini mozzarella ballz in the center... needless to say I'm now morbidly obese.  

I will be sure to post a blog sometime next week to update you on the meatball project on Kickstarter (I'm sure I'll look like absolute hell after partying all night Saturday), and probably throw up some slutty pictures of whatever slutty outfit I wear to this concert (you know how I do... there is a reason I won't get Instagram...).  Hmm... decisions decisions.  I know that it's an outdoor arena, but how can a high-heel slave such as myself really forgo high heels ????  I can't.  Besides, an extra 6 inches will help me see over the crowd.   I'm sure I'll end up wearing my Jeffrey's as per usual with pants down to my crotch (what's new?) and some shirt up to my tits.   I can't help it.   Whatever...  It's summer.   Better flaunt that shit before it's gone someday anyhow... (and by "someday" I mean like, three months from now, after I've overdosed on meatballs and my boyfriend's carbonara and one-too-many bottles of Rose to my face night after night).  I'm so classy ;) 

Sigh.  

God bless summer.  and food.  and the freedom to dress half naked.  God bless America.   And rose.  And life.  

A post about nothing and meatballz

Sitting here bored out of my mind... it's my first day off after seven straight days of working either a 4pm-1am or 1-10pm shift, and yet I am not even enjoying it because I have no plans tonight.  I know... you're probably thinking, "cry me a river bitch," well, perhaps I will...  The way I see it, I spent all day catching up on the things I needed to do (ex. groceries, cleaning, job-searching, etc), and now I wish I could go out and have some fun, but alas, everyone fun is working, my friends, boyfriend, everyone....

In other news, today wasn't a total failure, because I heard back from a writing job I applied to over a month ago.  Untitled-Magazine contacted me and wanted me to submit three proposals for topics to write about... if they like any of my topics, they will let me write the article for possible publication, which is f*cking awesome!!!!!!  :D :D :D :D :D <---- that's me right now.  I'll be the happiest girl in the world if they want me to be a contributing writer, if not... I'll drown my sorrows in alcohol and drugs (jk) and turn instead to my next brilliant idea, "NOT YOUR GRANDMA'S MEATBALLZ."

Yep, that's correct ladies and gentlemen, my boyfriend and I want to make a kickstarter account where we acquire funding to travel the world learning about meatballs in different areas, making a compilation of recipes from various regions, turning said recipes into a cookbook in addition to an online cooking show, and send a portion of the proceeds to foodbanks across the nation (or maybe the ASPCA.. we haven't quite figured out all of the details yet).  The idea was born out of our love of meatballs, my love of cooking, his love of pasta, and the day we spent last week making two different types of meatballs (Swedish meatballs with pumpernickel and granny smith apples, and spicy meatballs with mozzarella balls inside).  It's no wonder I've packed on about ten pounds in the past couple of months... I'm lucky I'm not morbidly obese at this point.

Anyhow, my boyfriend came up with the idea for a kickstarter account involving the meatball project we had in mind... I mean, if people can garner upwards of $50,000 to make potato salad on kickstarter, why the fuck not give it a go? We are going to make a short video explaining our idea as well as providing a cooking segment on how to make basic meatballs.  Anyhow, the project is going to be called "Not Your Grandma's Meatballz."  Stay tuned, I will be sure to post links on this blog and my facebook once it is up and running... and yes, this is one project I intend to fully follow through with.  So believe me when I say, it will be up and running within the next month or so.

In other-other news, I have resumed work on my book.  I thought I was finished and had started editing it, but then I just had so much more to say because my life suddenly took a turn for the wild and exciting.  I wonder if I will ever be done... maybe when my life mellows out and flatlines and I live a more boring existence I will have nothing left to say and then it will be done.  Honestly, I hope to never see that day though.  I guess I better just wrap it up and call it good.

I think I also need to start a kickstarter account to fund a multi-thousand dollar shopping spree, because I have seriously been wearing the shit out of these boyfriend Jeans from Hco since I bought them two months ago.  I LOVE THEM, but I need new clothes... contributions anyone???? ;)  Later this night, I barfed all over myself in Electric Room.. always keeping it classy. 

I've been thinking a lot about resumes and how much they either tell or don't tell about a person.  I'm starting to think resumes are complete bullshit.  I mean, I know they are an integral part of applying to jobs and crucial to whether or not an applicant gets called for an interview, but honestly, how would someone know how amazing I am simply from looking over my resume of shitty, dead end jobs that I really only ever worked at out of desperation for money as opposed to an actual desire to work for said company? I want to establish a new breed of resume where people brag about the skills that they pride themselves on and other people appreciate and take note of.  I think I want to revise my resume to include all of my truly defining and mostly endearing characteristics and skill set.  If in the real world, a person's character and defining personality traits and most cherished talents were considered, I'm pretty sure I would have found my dream job a while ago.... 

I cannot wait for the Soundgarden/Nine Inch Nails concert I'm going to in August!!!!  I've been on a real 90's kick lately and have 'Shine' by Collective Soul and 'I Alone" by Live playing on repeat.  I'm so pumped... I've never even been to an outdoor concert!!!  Well, minus the exception of some blues festival I went to... but that certainly isn't the same as NIN...  I also have some other goals I MUST accomplish before this summer is over.   I've never been to a 'proper' NYC brunch- you know, the kind that takes place on a rooftop and is basically like a club/raging party happening during the day... I need to check that off my list.  Also, I want to do an afterhours party, since the afterhours party I intended to go to on New Years Day was a no go and I still haven't been to one!  I am also going to Maine on vacation with my family in August which I am looking forward to since I missed out on the last family vacation.  This summer is thankfully shaping up to be much more exciting and productive than last years... :) 

What a Year/I Just Scrubbed My Toilet

June 29th, 2am

Dear readers, this is what my life has come to... scrubbing my toilet and folding laundry on a Saturday night.  WTF.  I am in my prime and this is how I spend a Saturday night?  The nicest stomach I will ever have, the nicest ass I will ever have, the most fun I will ever be, and I sit home in a pair of sweats at my computer.  See... I knew I should have kept looking for a part time job on the weekends so as to prevent this type of boredom!

I mean I had some fun on Thursday night this week, and that ended very badly (I won't go into details).  I also had lots of fun on Monday night, and that too ended badly (again, I CAN'T go into details...).  I will say that I met some really cool and interesting people, but I really need to control myself.  Jesus.  Will I ever learn my limit????  I mean, I technically know my "limit" but sometimes it is fun to push it a little ;)  especially when fun people and fun situations and fun places are involved... oh well.  I won't tell you about my rebel antics, I'll let you guess what fun things I may or may not have been up to ;)

Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore.  The shit that I do on a regular basis I never would have imagined myself doing a few years ago... who am I??? (<----  said in manner of Derek Zoolander staring into the puddle at his reflection).  Oh well.  It's a fun ride, even if the consequences of my actions make me doubt my future and leave me in emotional turmoil.  Maybe it isn't a fun ride seeing that statement... actually, perhaps it is good that I'm sitting here bored out of my fucking mind instead of getting wasted and emotional.

FML.

My party earlier this month was a success I think....  It was really fun and I think that the people who came enjoyed themselves.  I definitely have enough liquor left over for a few more parties seeing as how we bought $400 worth of liquor and wine at cost... I'm talking $6 bottles of bubbly and $2 bottle of rose.  Needless to say I haven't made a trip to the wine or liquor store in the last few weeks following my party ;)   However, my c*nty building manager wrote me a nice email informing me that one of my guests left a bottle of wine in the elevator... and asked me if I wanted to watch the video surveillance so that I could identify which guest it was.  What a fucking c*nt.  I should post a copy of the email she sent... it is so offensive and ridiculous.  Then again, this is the same bitch that sent me an email on a rainy day and asked me to move my umbrella from the hallway where I left it to drip-dry into my apartment... what a psycho.

I've been feeling extra crazy lately.  I am not really sure why... but it is a good thing that I'm going upstate on Monday with my boyfriend and friends.  Hopefully I can unwind a bit.  I don't like to be this crazy... It's definitely not a good when my insanity is paired with alcohol and other crazy people.  Whatever.  I guess I'm still young enough to be crazy, though I don't really like being crazy.  Sometimes it's fun, but mostly it's not.



JULY 5th, 2am

Dear readers, I'm back from a blissful trip upstate with my boyfriend and a couple of friends.  I wish I was still there...

This was the view from the tower of the place we rented... fucking amazing.  I am in LOVE with airbnb.com.  Here a more photos of the place... it was on a mountain with tons of woods surrounding it and an awesome deck and hot tub... https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/776525?s=aVj0   I wanted to convince the owner to let me live there for the next month or two and renovate the place- I wouldn't even charge her; she could just let me stay for free and provide me with wine and cheese.... Oh well, I'm back in the city now.  Time to start planning my next trip before the NYC insanity sets back in... Lord help me and my boyfriend and my friends and my family....

Anyhow... despite the fact that we were only there for a few days, the trip was great and exactly what I needed to unwind.  We did a lot of grilling ( I consumed upwards of 10 hotdogs over the course of two days), explored the town, watched the USA soccer match with the locals in a little bar, hung out in the hot tub, and consumed far too much alcohol.  We even invited a random local back to hang out with us... it was too fun.   I think I need a good, solid month of that type of lifestyle.  I am so chill and nice to be around when I'm not working at the job I hate or dealing with city life and all of the stress that goes with it.  

I cannot believe how fast this past year has flown by... it's incredible.  Today is the one year anniversary of the first date with my boyfriend... the most epic date in history (I like to think so anyhow... it sure is the best date I ever had).  In honor of this epic occasion, I will give you a brief history of the events/circumstances leading up to this date.

I had a major crush on my boyfriend for months before he asked me out.  When he finally asked me on a date, I couldn't believe that it was real life.   Well, as you all know from previous entries, we used to work together.  Back then, I was a server in addition to doing late-night door hostessing.  We were set to go on this date on July 5th.  The night before our first date, which was last July 4th, Highline hosted a Verboten party and I was serving.  I became incredibly intoxicated along with one of my friends since the party was relatively boring and the bartender kept giving us shots.  By the end of the night, all hell broke loose and though I won't go into details (for all of our sakes), I acted the fool.  I remember being in a cab on the way home at like 6:30am (those parties went until 5/6am), and the sun was up and it was already hot as fuck outside.  I got home to my apartment and proceeded to order a large burger and fries which I half-devoured before throwing the rest to my then-foster-cats.  

When I woke up around 11am, I found the half eaten burger, had the spins, and could still taste the Jameson on my breath.  I felt disgusting and then the panic of what I had said/done the night before set in.  I was pretty sure that in addition to not wanting to go out with me after seeing me in my drunken state the night before, that my boyfriend was also probably going to fire me since I was drunk at work.  Alas, he texted me a few hours later and we met up around 5pm for a drink at the Gansvoort hotel rooftop before going on a sailboat cruise down the Hudson.  The date lasted about 15 hours and I still smile thinking about it.  

It feels like we've only been dating a few months even though today officially makes it a year... it's been a great year in my life- I've done a lot of new things, gone on a lot of adventures, learned a lot about myself, learned a lot about other people, and had way more fun than I probably should have- JK, one can NEVER have too much fun ;)    

Summer at Last...

Now that summer is back in *almost* full swing, I'm feeling significantly more hopeful and positive towards the future.  After being offered yet another internship that I am forced to decline due to the fact I need to pay rent and eat, my job search has come to a minor halt due to my preoccupation with a mini get-away, planning a party, and focusing on getting healthy (more so both mentally and emotionally than physically).  I'm pretty sure in my last blog, I mentioned the fact that Muse Magazine wanted to hire me as a summer editorial intern but sadly, I was forced to decline since I can't possibly work 40 unpaid hours every week and still maintain myself.  Well today I woke up to find another great internship offer with a similarly awesome art/fashion/entertainment publication, Seen Heard Known.  Godfuckingdammit!!!!!!  Why don't I hear back from any paying jobs I apply to?  Clearly people like the writing samples I send them.... what gives?!  Oh well.  I am still editing my book and plan on sending rough drafts of it out to friends and family soon so I can get some real feedback (I'll probably be committed/institutionalized after my family finds out how crazy I really am... ).

Speaking of crazy and my current level of sanity, I am back to a level yellow after reaching an escalated  level red on Sunday.  Let's just say that once again, my friends really pulled through for me and helped to keep me on track in the midst of a very major melt-down.  It also helps that I got out of the city for a day and went to the North Fork of Long Island to enjoy some clean air and wine with my boyfriend.  I swear to God, being in this concrete jungle for too long really makes my stress/anxiety/insanity levels sky-rocket when I don't have a means of escape....

The little beach we found at the end of the road... It was so unfortunate that it was cloudy and about 55 degrees that day.  Oh well, I guess I'll just have to start planning the next vacation ;)

Croteaux Vineyards specialized in Rose wine (my summer   year-round staple ;)  ).  YUM!!!!  The place was awesome- they had a huge outdoor, stone patio with tons of seating, an indoor space in a barn on ground-level, and an indoor loft over-looking the vineyard.  If we didn't have to drive back to the city, I can assure you I probably would have had to have been carried home wasted... 

Thankfully for me, and everyone involved in my immediate life that otherwise has to deal with me, I am on vacation for the remainder of the week, right through until Tuesday.  I am going Upstate tomorrow thru Sunday to visit my family.  I cannot wait- I haven't seen my brother since Christmas and he is home from Arizona so I plan on hanging out with him and my cousin like the good ol' days of yore. Haha... they always help me stay grounded and keep me on track in regards to my weekly lapses of sanity and fickle emotions.   Despite the fact that I am going Upstate though, I have taken a vow not to over-due it on the home cooking of my parents.  No sir, no can do.  It's a known fact that everytime I go Upstate, no matter how vigilant I say I'm going to be in regards to resisting the chip drawer, my mother's extra-fatty home cooking, and my dad's non-stop grilling, I always end up going on a three day binge.  It's like a fucking three-day steak-potatoes-cheese-chips-sweets-crabcake-and lasagna bender every single time I'm home.  I am on a very strict 'summer body' plan at the moment though, and I will absolutely not indulge myself no matter what my parents cook for me (my mom already told me today she is making me crab-cakes tomorrow night and my father already informed me we are going out for dinner on Saturday... I swear to God they're trying to sabotage me...).  JK.  I love people who feed me.  

Don't mind the hipster glasses... I was obviously feeling decently attractive this day (hence why I'm even posting these narcissistic photos) and felt like playing dress-up.  PS... this swimsuit makes my boobs look absolutely ginormous... not a fan.  

Also, now that I've joined the rest of the world and have an iphone, I can use cool filters like this one... which makes me look incredibly tan!!!!  haha.  I attempted to faux-tan my body the day I took this and it ended badly with discoloration around my elbows and knees and splotches on my legs. I'm slowly becoming convinced it doesn't matter if you have the most expensive faux tanner in the world- unless you have a professional to apply it to your naked body it's nearly impossible to make look natural by yourself, which is a goddamn shame considering I'm the color of Casper naturally. 

This is what I'm currently working with.  I am determined not to go overboard on mozzarella and proscuitto or crab cakes and steak this week so that come next week I can have the dream-body I'm trying to get.  I'm almost there... I just want to tone my bottom half a bit more.  Too bad for me I can already hear the Cheetos that my mom keeps in the snack drawer at home calling my name.... "Kelsey, Kelsey!  Put me in your mouth!  Lick the cheese off me, chew me up and swallow me!!!!"  LOL... I'm sick.  

I'll end this blog by listing the things I'm looking forward to, since I like to keep it positive these days:

1.  MY PARTY!!!!!!!!!  I haven't thrown a good party in years.  I can't wait. 

2.  HOME!!!!!  I can't wait to see my brother and cousin and my baby (Bijou  <3). 

3.  Soundgarden and Nine Inch Nails concert with my boyfriend in August!!!!!  I can't fucking wait... Chris Cornell... yum ;)

4.  Planning another mini vacation home in July.  I want to go mushroom hunting!!!!  lol... can you tell I don't get nearly enough time outdoors in nature these days???  It's like as soon as I was on the stretch of highway that hits Suffolk county and has woods on either side I could finally breath in deep for the first time in over a month a couple of days ago when I got out of the city.

5.  Finally letting people read my book (even though I may end up with no friends, family, or being thrown into the mental asylum after they finish it... ).  

Sunday is the New Friday...

This blog is a long overdue in the making.  In addition to a little update on my new weekend routine post Highline life, I will also recollect my shitty week for your reading pleasure :)  Don't worry though- I'll keep it positive by sharing all that is in fact positive in my life, and Perhaps I will even throw in a *bonus* short-story at the end of this blog, for additional reading pleasure.... lucky you ;)  

Let's start with a little update regarding my new 'weekend' routine since my departure from Highline a month and a half ago.  As I previously suspected upon my initial resignation from my hostessing job, everything I estimated happening has happened.  It has, in fact, been a somewhat difficult transition to make, going from working non-stop on the weekend to finding ways to occupy my time every Friday and Saturday night.  That is to say, I either go out to keep busy and somehow end up getting piss-ass drunk due to the fact that I don't like to eat before I don a skin-tight ensemble or stomach baring top, or I sit home feeling sorry for myself and making half-hearted attempts at being productive.  HOWEVER, I've been making some adjustments these past two weekends and finding more of a balance.  Let's hope that I can keep it up... I'm feeling slightly more mentally sound than I was when I first quit.  However, I must admit that even though I can go out on the weekends now (like a "normal" <--- ewww, "normal" YUCK) person, going out on the weekends is overrated.  Weekends are when every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Joe goes out.  Weekends are bridge and tunnel.  Weekends are boring, 9-5 office jobs.  Weekends are not as cool as going out on a Sunday night or a random Wednesday (which is still when I prefer to go out as long as I'm off).  Oh well, you can't always get what you want. 

The first few weekends were rough, and alternated between me going out and getting obliterated, and/or going psycho as a result, or me sitting home and doing nothing as a result of my plans falling through, and thusly getting anxiety and trying my best NOT to go psycho.  I think I'm finally getting better though... last weekend I stayed in one night and was productive, applying to jobs and scrubbing my apartment, and the following evening, I went out and managed to control myself and only consumed three drinks total.  I was proud of myself for fighting the urge to go hard or go home, which is my usual approach when I go out.

As is custom, I ALWAYS close on Friday and Saturday nights at my full-time job, which means that I don't get home until 10:30 or 11pm.  This works out nicely since my boyfriend is a work all night- it's the perfect opportunity to spend the evening going out with girlfriends or to spend by myself.  I have done a lot of self-reflecting these past couple of weekends and am feeling more at peace with the fact that my boyfriend is working at a nightclub and I'm not present.  It's definitely better for me this way... I have stopped freaking out over stupid shit now that I don't have to see all of the stupid sluts and hos in that joint.  I feel more in control than ever and am taking more pro-active steps in finding a better job and thusly more inner-peace and self satisfaction.  This brings me to my next subject...

The job search... AHHHH Yesss!  THE EVER GOING, ENDLESS, FUCKING JOB SEARCH!

One would think that after my last experience with an unpaid internship, and after all of the manifestos I've posted about not settling for another internship that does not pay, I would have fully given up on even applying to such internships...

Well, one is wrong.   I'm sorry, but when I scour craigslist for jobs, the vast majority of the job fields that I would like to end up have so many postings and listings for internships (many of which are at very prestigious companies), that they are hard to resist, even though I know they are unpaid.  It is a never ending cycle at times.  I think that the only way I could ever make an unpaid internship work, is if I had a part-time job that made me the same amount of money (or more) that I'm currently making working a 40-hour week, full time job.  That said, In order to work only a couple of days/nights a week and make enough money to live off so that I might work a 30-hour a week internship,  I would probably end up doing bottle service (clearly this isn't happening EVER... because 1.  I'm not tall or hot enough, and 2.  Because I never want to be associated or thought of as a dumb slut), or stripping (also not happening... sadly... but I do think I'd make a killing in this profession ;)   ).   I can't even think of any other jobs that would make me enough money to pay bills/rent with and that would require me to only work two nights a week (well, with a few VERY illegal exceptions *cough* PROSTITUTION *cough*).  

So, with that being said, and this is part of my account of my very shitty week mind you, I applied to an unpaid internship with MUSE Magazine... only THE single, greatest magazine in the world.  And, go figure, they got back to me and wanted to know if I could commit to working 30 hours a week... for no pay.  FML.  FUCK MY LIFE.  FUUUUCKKKKKK MYYYYYY LIIIIIIFFFFEEEE!  Goddammit. If it paid even a stipend, I might consider quitting my full time job to do this internship and scrambling to find a serving job or something just to make ends meet.  But I can't possibly do it while working a full-time, 40+ hour a week job.  In order to work 70 hours a week, I'd have to live on adderall and cocaine, and the sleep deprivation, coupled with said drugs, would make for a very, very unstable version of my already unstable self.  ; )  I can't even imagine... 

I wish I had enough money saved or no bills to pay so that I possibly could work for free for a three-month time period.  However, that isn't reality.  I sadly had to respond with an email stating that I couldn't commit... my fragile heart is breaking.  BREAKING. 

Why is it that all of the opportunities to get my foot in the door (so to speak) are fucking UNPAID internships???  How can I possibly find a paid writing gig, if I have to keep turning down these unpaid opportunities?  Jesus Christ.  I want to slap everyone in this city sometimes.  The concept of an unpaid internship is fucked.  In Europe- unpaid internships are illegal.  What is this?  A fucking third world country we are living in???? 

This was just the icing on my shit-cake of a week though.  LOL.. 'shit-cake of a week,'  - I'll have to remember that one for future usage, I quite like it ; )

Anyhow, I heard from my ex boyfriend out of the blue.  I won't go into detail because it isn't my right to exploit anyone online or exploit a past relationship that ceased to exist LONG ago, however, it really infuriated me and enraged me to the point that I can't bring myself to care even a *little bit* anymore.   That threw a mini wrench into my wheel... 

Immediately following that ordeal, I called my father to talk, and he informed me my grandma was in the hospital.... 

And than the maelstrom of it all came to a grand finale of being offered a great internship that I sadly, cannot afford to accept.  

Oh well, perhaps it will pan out in the end.  Kind of like that night that all of my plans fell through and it was only because they fell through, that I was home and able to save a woman in front of San Loco from getting raped because I called 911 when I heard her screaming at a guy who was coming onto her on the sidewalk... kind of like that... it's fate.  I was clearly meant to be home that night in order to fight crime, just as I clearly am not meant to work this internship because there is something else meant for my future.  (not that I really believe in any of that shit..., but I'll pretend because it gives me a false sense of hope).  

Oh man.  I at least have many things lined up to look forward to.  The most immediate is the fact that my friend called and is on her way over for a drink!!! :D  The next is that I'm off Sunday and have plans for a Sunday Funday with my boyfriend.  I feel like getting a little wild... in control of course, but wild nevertheless.  Nextly, I'm planning a little party to celebrate the beginning of summer.  I even ordered invites to send out via snail mail, so you know this shit is legit.  Nextly, I am going to plan a mini escape from the city... either upstate or perhaps the Hamptons.  We will see.  The point is, at least I have all of these great mini milestones to look forward to.  And as always, I am grateful to have the support of my friends, my family, and my boyfriend- no matter how shitty my week was, this is what keeps me together at the end of the day and motivates me to keep trying for everything I want in life. 

And now I'll leave you with a picture from my emaciated past.  At least I am not as poor as I was at this time last year when I was living off a bag of frozen peas and one loaf of bread per week... what is that saying?  "I wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat"?  Yeah... that describes this photo 

My "relaxing" vacation home... a brief synopsis.

After teetering on the edge of sanity for the past month or so, I took a long, over-due trip upstate to visit my family and friends and relax in the solitude of nature for a while.  I have been planning this trip home for the past two months, and thought it would be the perfect opportunity for me to unwind and hang out with the people I love the most while my boyfriend was in Cali getting work done on his tattoos.  Little did I know I would end up with what is possibly deep-vein thrombosis, jaundice, and even more anxiety than I left with. 

The trip started out with me having not slept and in an extreme state of emotional fragility (<---- nothing new there...).  Needless to say, I'm sure my father was alarmed when I passed out in the car on the way home from Binghamton.  I had my annual OBGYN appointment and despite the fact that Aunt Flow was MIA for three months running due to extreme stress levels and anxiety, and despite the fact my Dr. acknowledged that this was the reason for its absence, and despite the fact I told him my anxiety has been out the roof lately, he didn't seem at all concerned and told me I should just 'try working it out.'  Guess I'll be taking up mediation and yoga this week....

I had plans to see one of my girlfriends that night but ended up passing out on my parent's couch while watching River Monsters at 6pm.  I woke up to cancel with my friend and passed back out. 

Yesterday started off fine and dandy enough- I felt well-rested, I had several plans to keep me busy throughout the day, and despite the fact that it was pouring rain outside, I was in a really great mood.  I got my hairs trimmed and then took a ride with my dad to the woods to check out the cabin and so he could get some firewood as the temperature had dropped from 65 to 30 degrees over a 24-hour period.  The rain had turned to snow by early afternoon and I couldn't believe that it was snowing so hard on April 15th.  I had thought that I was finally out of winter... no such luck.  I chilled inside all day with my baby (Bijou), and then met my friend for a drink around 7.  She picked me up since I was on the way, but I was determined not to let this be an excuse to drink too much.  My other friend was not meeting us until around 8:30, so we paced ourselves.  I had two cosmos over a 2 hour period and even ordered some extra-fat-laden chili cheese fries because I knew it would prevent me from drinking too much and also prevent me from getting too drunk.  I ordered a third cosmo which I split with my friend before we all left.  I decided I didn't want the fun to end though (what's new?) and instead of getting dropped off back at my house with the friend that had driven me in the first place, I decided it would be fun to sleep over on my other friend's couch since we had SO much to catch up on and I hadn't seen her since November.  I had her stop by my rents house so I could grab my phone charger and some CDs (I was determined to listen to Free Bird for some odd reason). 

We stopped at the local convenient store as we needed some 'provisions' while we listened to my shitty assortment of CDs loaded with shitty 90s music.  Yesterday, before the weather had taken a turn for the worse, I wanted to sit on her porch in what I thought would be the warm Spring air, and talk all night like the days of yore.  Since that wasn't an option, given the frickin snow storm taking place, we sat in her car, in her driveway, blasting Breakfast at Tiffany's and Elton John.  I ended up smoking many, many camel crushes (I don't smoke, and the last time I indulged in a cigarette drunk I had vowed never to do so again), but for some reason last night seemed like a special occasion... they were calling my name.  We took many videos of ourselves lip-synching and screaming the lyrics of such tunes as "I saw My Baby" from Labyrinth, and Breakfast at Tiffany's.  I was having so much fun... and then my phone died.  Like, for good this time.  It is dead.

Needless to say, I went ballistic.  It was late, I knew I should go home despite my previous desire to sleep on her couch, and now that my phone had passed away, I was desperate to contact my boyfriend and say goodnight.  I started getting anxiety as a tried desperately to get my phone to turn on.  I ended up calling my poor father, whom had previously said he'd pick me up if I needed a ride home mind you, and he had to come save my anxiety ridden ass at 2:30am. 

When I arrived home, my mom was pretty livid given the state I was in.  I was in hysterics as I once again tried to save my phone and kept asking to use her phone.  I can see now, why she was pissed at me.  I was crying and screaming things like "my phone is dead, my phone is dead!!!! I need to get a new one."  Yes, now I know why my mom was pissed off at me... wtf is my problem?!  Clearly getting a new phone isn't an option at 3am, so I got on fb, procured my boyfriend's number (I should memorize it for emergencies such as this...) and proceeded to scribble it down on my forearm in blue sharpy... If only my phone/camera worked, I'd post a picture now.. but It's going to have to wait until later this afternoon when I have a new phone. 

I am such a sloppy bitch sometimes.  I swear to God, I wasn't even that drunk. I was probably just ODing on nicotine if that is such a thing...

As I sit here now, I can hear my phone alerting me that I have texts... they just keep coming in, however my screen is black and nothing I do will turn it on... my anxiety is skyrocketing knowing I have texts I can't read.... this is an issue I need to work on.

My mom is home from work now, and I have apologized for my erratic and wild behavior.  She has forgiven me...thank god.  

As awesome as we thought those videos we took last night were, I hope they never see the light of day.  Last night is truly a night that goes down in my history of most memorable nights.  I really need to be leashed sometimes.  My friend even told me when we were sitting at the table and I had only had one drink that she could see that 'wild look' in my eye.  It's not the first time people have called me out on that look... that look means trouble.  Next time someone sees me with that look, please put a leash on me and keep it tight.... I thought I'd grow out of this wild behavior, but it seems like it's not going away anytime soon.  YOLO.  Jk... honestly though, this is something I really HAVE TO work on.  Especially since it's all fun and games until something I don't like or disagree with happens and I go on a rampage. 

I'd like to apologize to all of the loved ones that have ever had do deal with me when I'm out of control.  Whether it's me calling at 2:30am because my anxiety is so bad that I can't stop crying, or my drunken antics, or my wild behavior when I'm pissed off.  I can't promise that I will stop the crying (I'm very emotional) or the frantic phone calls when I can't sleep and am worried about something completely out of my control, but I can promise that it's something I'm going to work on. 

At least I got ID'ed last night... that made me feel good about myself.  However, I'm pretty sure that after last night's escapades I look about 40 today.  Sigh.  As I sit here typing, I'm not hungover at all, which is proof that my behavior wasn't a result of the cosmos.  However, I do think I have jaundice and possibly lung cancer as a result of the cigarettes... never ever ever again. 

God, I can't wait to get a new phone...

Another Short Story

"What If I was binge drinking absinthe and decided to write a short story?"  "Hemmingway wrote drunk all the time... he said that he wrote drunk and edited sober."  "I was watching Sand Lot tonight, and in the end when everyone grows up and goes their separate ways I almost cried... just that loss of childhood that you never get back... it really reminded me of college.  We could probably make a movie about our college years.  We had the best group of friends."  "Without bumble bees all of the lilacs will die and Jeff Buckley's soul won't be able to walk thru the lilac fields and make lilac wine anymore..."  "Well I think I'll write a short story about Jeff Buckley's soul making lilac wine... make sure that you make sure he is still wearing his water logged boots that he drowned in in the Mississippi."



I lost myself on a cool, damp night
I gave myself in that misty light
I was hypnotized by her strange delight under a lilac tree
I made wine from a lilac tree
I put my heart in it's recipe
because it makes me see what I want to see, be what I want to be
And I think more than I want to think, I do things I never should do
I drink much more than I ought to drink, because it brings me back you

Lilac wine, is sweet and heady like my love
lilac wine- I feel, unsteady
like my love-
Listen to me... I cannot see clearly,
isn't that she? coming to me, nearly here...

Lilac wine, in my veins, yeah you're so sweet and heady
where's my love? Lilac wine, oh you make me feel so unsteady
where's my love?

Listen to me, why is everything so hazy?
Isn't that she? Or am I just going crazy?

Oh how you tricked me, liquid bastard
Lilac wine...
I feel unworthy, of my love

feel unworthy,

of my love



It's a damp, drizzling, cold day in mid-May.  Our main character sits at a desk by a large, French window, on the second floor of a three-story townhouse.  The light that comes through is a grey-white, and rain drops splatter and stick to the panes of the window.  Looking out the window, the author can see a red bike anchored across the street under a sapling that now blows in the wind and rain.  A couple holding hands and walking under a single umbrella walk together down the street.  The main character, his name is James.

James happens to notice the bright red boots of the female passerby and stands to look out the window onto the street below.  The woman and man that walk together, hand in hand, appear to be laughing at something.  Their umbrella blows inside out in the wind, and they run down the street.  There is a crack of thunder and James sits back down at his desk in the guest bedroom/office where he often likes to sit alone at his laptop writing short stories.  On this particular day, James happens to be listening to Jeff Buckley.  Although he would consider Jeff Buckley to be one of his favorite artists, he especially loves listening to his music in rainy weather, and in the spring when the lilacs bloom... when the world feels new again and the scenery is romantic- the haziness of the blooming flowers in the mist and rain.  The way that couples seem to connect in the Spring.  Although winter is the perfect opportunity for cozying up together by a fire at home, and although summer is the perfect time to frolic and play all night, there is something so inviting in the way of love in late Spring.  It's as though the rain calls one to take cover where ever they can in the midst of an on-going storm.  The thunder and lightening often make for exciting evenings when a date night is wrapping up, and the cool nights are perfect for cooking hearty dishes before the summer palate of salads and grilling takes over dining in.  James is hopelessly alone though, having given up on sharing any of these moments with a significant other years before.  Instead, James lives inside of his head thinking of how pleasant life would be to have a girlfriend to share romantic moments with.  He doesn't know why he tortures himself by listening to Jeff Buckley when he is feeling particularly melancholy, but the music makes him feel alive, sending a shiver up his spine and making the hair on his arm stand up.    He takes off his glasses and goes into the bathroom and stares at his reflection in the mirror.

His gut is a little bit bigger than it was three years ago, and he has more lines around his eyes, which are especially noticeable when he smiles at himself.  The lines above the bridge of his nose are especially apparent when he frowns now, and as he leans closer into his reflection, he notices white hairs amongst his light brown ones.  He grabs a couple of advil out of the cabinet (low pressure systems always give him headaches) above the sink and gulps them down with some tap water.  He takes another look at himself as he sighs, and turning on his heels, he turns to face the door and flicks off the light switch.  He returns to his computer desk and takes a seat.  "When the fuck did I get old?" he says out loud to only himself.  It has been years since James had a proper girlfriend.  In fact, it has been over five years. The last girl that he dated broke his heart... she cheated on him with a friend that he introduced her to at a work dinner party.  He sometimes had suspicions about her fidelity, especially towards the end of their relationship when she became distant and started acting shady with her phone and email.  However, he gave her the benefit of the doubt because he loved her and trusted her.

Then one day he found out that she had been a previous stripper at Sapphire lounge.  He struggled to accept the fact that his picture perfect girl friend had a dirty past.  He also found out via a text thread in her phone (she had the dude's name under a fake girl's cover-name so James never clicked on the text thread when he had previously scrolled through her phone).  Needless to say, he dumped her ass in a heartbeat and never looked back.  Looking back hurt to much.

Now he sat at his computer listening to 'lilac wine' and wanting to die.  He thought of ways to kill himself... K-hole, ODing on molly, slitting his wrist in the claw-foot bathtub...

He sat there alone and began to cry.  Suddenly James heard the sound of a guitar behind him and turned around to find the spirit of Jeff Buckley sitting on his bed.  Jeff buckley was a thing of beauty.  James suddently considered becoming gay.

Jeff buckley had on his water-logged boots from his "accidental" drowning in the Mississippi.  The boots left wet footprints underneath where he sat on the edge of the guest bed... water pooling around the soles on the dark, parquet flooring.   Jeff buckley looked James dead in the eye and then stopped strumming and put down his guitar.  "James," he said, "do you like lilac wine?"  He pulled out a bottle from underneath the bed along with a wine opener and two glasses.  "Here... it's the never ending bottle of lilac wine."

The two men got obliterated and talked about love, relationships, their depression and suicidal thoughts.    Then they proceeded to blow lines of molly on top of lines of K, on top of about two bottles of lilac wine each... needless to say, James died that night, and Jeff Buckley died a second time.

They both woke up together laying in the grass of a lilac field under the late afternoon sun.  Jeff Buckley and James were both lost souls, swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.  And now, as they stared each other in the eyes, a single tear rolled down James's face.  A single tear also rolled down Jeff Buckley's face.  "James, I love you." said Jeff Buckley.


THE END