Not So Philosophical Musings

Why am I alive?

OMG, am I a hipster?

Disclaimer (you know it's going to be good when I throw out the disclaimer ;)  ):  The top half of this blog consists of my personal beliefs (sorry if I offend anyone). It is opinion only, which counts for... well, basically nothing, so please take none of the proceeding sentences to heart.  The second half (tips for being a hipster) are completely contrived and imaginary aspects of a lifestyle that I've made up in the name of good humor (and based loosely on my casual observances of those around me).  And after writing all of this, I began to question if I am actually a hipster.  I don't think I am, but maybe that's one of the defining characteristics.


Living in the capital of Hipster Paradise (aka, Williamsburg, Brooklyn), I have grown accustomed to sights and fashion choices the rest of the world has not yet embraced (or rather, styles that were embraced about 25 years ago and have been deemed 'cool' once again).  From Black Milk leggings to fugly, acid-washed jean jackets, to those little John Lennon glasses, and everything heinous in between (think Girl With the Dragon Tattoo style bangs), walking around these parts is often like walking around the Salvation Army on a bad acid trip.  I've seen it all.  Girls sashaying down Bedford Avenue in high-waisted short-shorts SO short, that I see half of their ass cheeks (and no boys, not all of these girls have the kind of ass you want to catch a glimpse of).  I've see girls with camel toes, guys with mamel toes (that's a male-camel toe), bitches going bra-less when they definitely should not, and dudes with jeans SO tight, it will be amazing if they are ever able to procreate.

It's not just the fashion choices either.  I've been thinking a lot about hipsterdom lately, and I have started to question what makes a hipster a "hipster"?  Is it the way that they dress?  Is it their oh-so-cool choice of indie bands and foreign films?  Is it the fact that they live on black coffee, hand-rolled cigarettes, and Red Stripe?  Is it a combination of all of these things?  Or perhaps, it is the fact that they're all trying so fucking hard to be cool and different from the rest of the world, that they form their own little sect of society where they all end up being the same.  I once made a t-shirt that said "Let's all be different... so we can all be the same."  I've started to think I could really be onto something, and perhaps I should make a line of t-shirts with similar ironic sayings to market to the hipster population.  For example, today I was thinking how funny it would be if I were to wear a t-shirt that said "Fat Fuck" on it.   I was thinking about those t-shirts that heavy people wear to poke fun at themselves that say "I beat Anorexia" and thought it would be pretty hilarious to produce a line of 'fat fuck' tshirts that are only sold in size Small through XXS. I also thought of a t-shirt that could read, "Trying Too Hard."

I know everyone has a right to be who they are, and people sharing the same interests often have similarities in sense of style and musical tastes regardless of which kind of socio-economic-ethnic background they come from, but Jesus Christ.  When you consider the fact that bitches go to the pool at the Wythe Hotel, simply to walk around in swimsuits and high-heels and one-up each other in terms of coolness, it is a very cloying place to live at times.  When every-other twenty-something girl has a 'fashion' blog, and they're all touting the same, exact fashions, it gets old fast.  Walking around here on a Saturday afternoon is the worst.  On every street corner, you'll see some wannabe fashionista posing as her BF takes a photo of her wearing some shitty outfit that 6,000 other Billysburg hipsters are currently wearing.  And the hipster, mind-set... don't even get me started.  I've noticed hipsters have a bad habit of pretending to be deep, and emotionally-in-tune; they like to have what they believe to be 'philosophical' conversations about cultural matters:  For example, on the subway one night, I overheard two hipsters talking about vagrants.  The dude in the conversation took a long, deep pause, and then said, ever-so-pretentiously, "yeah, but like, being homeless... it makes a person so creative." hhahahahaha.

Maybe I'm jealous because I don't fit in, idk.  I do know that half of the peeps living out here don't even have to work for a living, because their parents are rich and pay their rent so they can afford to go out every night, eat only organic juices, and sit in front of Toby's Coffee all afternoon.  I also know that despite the fact that most of these people like to feign poverty (via shopping at thrift stores), they still pay $600 for a cut and color, and drop mad money for the latest 'it' purse.  I know I feel like a true outsider when I am walking down the street in my neon-pink Hollister Jeans (hey, don't judge- if you were once a manager at Hollister, half of your wardrobe would be Hollister too).

I decided becoming a 'hipster' in order to fit in would be a pretty easy goal to accomplish (if I actually  wanted to do that... I don't; I'm perfectly content with the nerd that I am).  Here is my guide to becoming everyone's fave indie goddess:


1.  Body and Diet:  To become a true hipster, you'll have to starve yourself within an inch of your life.  I'm talking concentration-camp-survivor thin if your body shape/type allows for it.  This goes for guys and girls alike.  Doing this is simple; spend your money on things like vintage guitars, vintage clothing, music festivals, and designer jeans, and then you'll have no money left for food.  Just make sure that you have enough money left for essentials like coffee (preferably from a hip coffee joint like Blue Bottle), booze, and tobacco/weed/cocaine.  Unless you are the type of artistic girl who is willing to fuck for the essentials, you'll probably need some source of income to keep the Brooklyn Lager flowing and the bumps of coke in the bathroom of the Knitting Factory coming.  With these three dietary staples, you should be able to keep living through your twenties before your heart gives out.   Despite the fact you'll be severely malnourished, you'll never be lacking in energy and can party like the rock star you secretly believe yourself to be, alllll nighttt lonnnggg.  While we are on the topic of body and diet, it is ok to starve yourself as long as you claim that you're on a 'cleanse' or a 'fast.'  This is a great way to trick friends and family into believing that you are not the anorexic that they previously thought.  As long as you're starving yourself in the name of good health (can you say 'kale and wheat grass juice'?), no one will question the fact your weight never goes above 100 lbs.  Also, while on the topic of body and diet, consider body modification.  Most hipsters have at least one or two tattoos (the hard core hipsters get sleeves or tats on their collar bone/chest area).  Make sure it is something that makes people think.  Something symbolic and spiritual, something totally ironic (like 'fuck you' on your knuckles), or something classic (like a half naked woman on your forearm) are all GREAT tattoo ideas.


2.  Hair and Hair Accessories:  Bleached hair? yes.  Bleached eye brows? Fuck yes.  Bleached hair with pale pink, ombre-tips and grown-in, dark eye brows? Hell to the fucking yes.  The weirder that your hair makes you look, the better.  If you are a natural brunette with black eye brows, you should bleach your hair and leave your eye brows black.  If you are a natural blonde, why not consider chopping your bangs short and dying your hair jet-black?  If you're REALLY at the top of the coolness factor, you'll bleach your hair and then dye it a pastel pink or blue or lavender and throw a flowered- headdress on top of the whole disaster.  SO cool.  You'll look just like a fairy who's purpose in life is dancing around a mushroom circle on Mid-summer night, except in your case, you'll be like a malnourished fairy dancing around drunk at some punk band's concert.  

I look like Lucile Ball dressed as the Chiquita Banana broad, but you get the point... flowered headdresses are SO hot right now.  You can snag one from Urban Oufitters for only $100.  Also notice the heavily-colored in eyebrows.  Sadly for me, I have light hair, so growing dark, caterpillar brows isn't in my cards. 

NEVER ever underestimate the power of the felt hat.  Boater hats are also pretty cool.. as are huge, floppy hats that make you look like you're going to the Kentucky Derby.  

3.  Clothing and Accessories:  It's all about being eclectic and 'original'.  If you're going to wear some saggy-ass mom jeans, make sure you pair them with a crop top or an American Apparel leotard.  Keep in mind that acid wash is all the rage right now; if you can find a Levi's jacket from 1989, you should probably wear that fucker with everything you own.  A denim vest with cut-off sleeves that makes you look like Joe Dirt? DOOOO IT, just throw it over a babydoll dress that looks like it's from the wardrobe department of Reality Bites.  Long, flowy skirts are super cool too right now. Plaid is always in style and don't you forget it.  Vintage band tee-shirts will never go out of style, nor will the high-waisted trend, so milk it for all it's worth.  As for shoes, they should be well-worn saddle shoes or high-end designer booties.  Nothing in between will fly, unless of course you're wearing TOM's.  Don't forget your hipster frames either.  I don't care if you have 20/20 vision, every real hipster needs a pair of thick, black frames to appear intelligent and philosophical.  Just remember that everything matches, and if it doesn't match, well, that's even better.  Your best bet for finding the perfect duds is either the good old Salvation Army, some vintage clothing store that over-charges you for the falling-apart-at-the-seams  dress from 1999, or Nastygal.com.  Also, American Apparel for all of your v-neck t-shirts and skin tight going-out clothes.  

Don't forget your anime-style knee highs.  They've been a popular leg-wear choice of hipsters for about 3 years now and are still going strong, as evidenced by lookbook.nu and all of the girls I saw wearing them on the street today.  You can pair them with anything from denim shorts, to over-all jumpers, to waist-high skirts of all fashions.  

Dear Miley, you can f*ck your pilates. I got these guns doing a real woman's work:  Carrying trays of alcoholic beverages and going up and down stairs at work, also walking pretty much everywhere since I no longer have the luxury of riding in a car. 

American Apparel... you never fail to disappoint.  

4.  Occupation:  If you're one of the fortunate trust-fund hipsters living off of mommy and daddy's hard-earned dollar, congrats- you've basically one a free-ride for life.  If you're a true hipster, you probably won't have an office job or a job requiring you to wear a suit.  Instead you'll be some sort of 'artist.'  Many hipsters are aspiring musicians.  Other's make weird-ass paintings that they are somehow able to sell in high-end, Chelsea galleries because mommy and daddy know the right person.  Some make street art or play instruments on subway platforms- those ones actually seem to have real talent, surprisingly enough and it is truly a shame that they don't make more money.  Personally, I paint for fun (my paintings suck) and write.  I write A LOT.  I like writing because it's the only time I feel like I can say what I need to say without interruption or dismissal.  Most hipsters hold some kind of lame-ass side job to support their true passion, since it is so hard to make money off of an art unless you suck the right dick (jk).  For example, a lot of aspiring actors are waitresses and servers.   A lot of musicians work day jobs in retail stores or doing odd jobs just to make ends meet.  One gets creative when they need to pay rent and have enough money for Oslo coffee and drugs for the weekend. hahahahaha 

5.  Entertainment:  When a hipster has free time, it is either spent on a three-day bender, sleeping in until 2pm after a three day bender, or in 'the studio' (whether it is an art studio, music studio, or some place similar to Andy Warhol's 'studio' where they sit around getting fucked up).  Hipsters love concerts; especially indie concerts.  Any band playing at Terminal 5, The Knitting Factory, Bowery Ballroom, Roseland Ballroom, Webster hall, or your local bar/venue (think Spikehill or Trash Bar) is good by them.  The more obscure and underground, the better.  Hipsters enjoy drinking, smoking weed, and indulging in drugs whether it is only recreationally, or as a habitual addiction.  If you're straight-edge, you're not a real hipster.  Hipsters also love sitting in parks wearing string bikinis, playing sports like kickball in summer leagues, or day drinking on a Tuesday afternoon (as you know, they don't have normal working hours, this is one of the few advantages to being degraded as a server on a nightly basis).  Hipsters also love art-showings, underground raves they hear about via good friends, and events that allow them to dress up and show off their coolness (for example, being invited to a Tribeca Film Festival after-party).  

The Little Things

This video is an oldie but a goodie.  I am listening to it on a loop, because it's giving me positive vibes, and Lord knows I need some positive vibes.  It has been another tumultuous week, brought on mainly by my own stupid and rash decisions, fueled by my fragile and crippled ego.  JK... I feel great.  :D (<----- positive thinking in action; If I keep TELLING myself I feel great, eventually I have to, right?!).  hahaha.  I wish I could go into detail, but for the purposes of this blog, I can't. Let's just say I'm not the person I used to be, I don't even recognize the person I am,  and I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.  It could be both good and bad, only time will tell.  I am trying out this new way of living, where I try not to care so much about certain aspects of life and care more about others... but in reality, we all know I care too much about every aspect of life there is.  I try to act like a bad-ass, but the way I am wired just won't allow me to act bad without intense feelings of remorse, guilt, fear, and sadness.

I really need to try to think more positively.  That is a new goal for this week. We will see how it goes.  It's just hard to think positively when everything that could go wrong GOES wrong.  Last night for example, I was late leaving for work, which is fine, because normally I show up to my shift 15 minutes early... but the Goddamn L train was running at spaced out intervals and took 15 minutes just to show up, and then honked it's horn as it blew threw, not even stopping at the Bedford Ave. platform.  I couldn't wait another 15 min. for the next train to show up, so I blew $30 on a cab.  The cab driver was insane and went like 100mph down West Side Highway, I felt lucky to be alive as I climbed out of the cab.  LOL... shit like that just seems to happen to me all the time.

I quit my internship with Topix Media Lab after one day.  They put me to work researching 'how to become an astronaut' and typing up a timeline on JFK.  If I was getting paid, it'd be one thing, but as I sat there on the most beautiful, sunny day, working for free, I had an epiphany.  I have done my fair share of unpaid work.  I write for Renegade Chicks for no pay, but at least I have free reign over what I can write about- it is my own work, my own thoughts, and I get to express myself as an individual.  I pick topics that are relevant to other woman my age, and It's work I feel good about.  I don't care that I'm not making a single cent, because I like what I do for the site and feel as though I am making a small contribution to the site and its followers.  As I sat at a desk all day basically copying other people's words and thoughts to compile into a timeline, and thought about the fact I wasn't even getting paid to be sitting there, I figured I was wasting precious time.  I only felt slightly remorseful about resigning, but whatever.  If they aren't willing to pay me, it's not worth it at this particular point in my life.  Interns are a dime a fucking dozen in this city, so I'm sure they'll find lots of eager, kids straight out of college who can afford to work for free with no promise of even being hired at the end of the internship, because they have parents who pay their rent.

I heard back from Sleep No More, and they wanted to "hire" me for the summer internship in the costume department.  Sleep No More is a legit and awesome show that everyone has heard of, however, the thought of working 4 days a week for no pay on top of working another job THAT actually does pay was a daunting thought.  Especially in the summer when the weather is nice.  I mean, last year I worked all fucking summer and missed out on my family vacation to Maine.  That's never happening again.  Besides, the intern position their sounded pretty pointless for someone such as myself who already has tons of unpaid costuming experience.  The costumes are all already built, so basically I'd be responsible for doing laundry (fuck that shit... If I'm washing someone's scrubby, sweaty clothes, I better be getting paid), doing minor repairs (pointless- I am an excellent seamstress and want some challenging work), and laying out the actor's costumes before the show goes on each night.  Sigh... I just want to do something I love doing AND get paid for it.  I've been applying for other jobs non-stop. It's just such a vicious cycle... especially when half the 'jobs' you find are unpaid internships.


I'll end this post with some positive, thoughts (*sings* "When the dog bites, when the beee stinnnngs, when I'm feeeeeling ssaaaadddd, I simply remember my favorite things, and thennnn I don't feeeellll soooooo baaaaaaddddd!!!!!). hahahaha.   It's almost time for the lilacs to bloom! My favorite flowers... this means I need to go upstate and get some greenery in my life ASAP to enjoy them before they've bloomed and fallen off.  I have been determined to try to make lilac wine for the past three years (clearly inspired by Jeff Buckley's version of 'lilac wine'), so I would REALLY love to make an effort to follow through with this fantasy and try it. My book is nearing completion.  I can definitely finish the first draft by the end of this month as long as I spend an hour a day writing.  I am so lucky I have friends who have been putting up with me these past couple weeks (I've definitely been the worst version of myself I could possibly be) and they have yet to have abandoned me.  Hopefully I climb out of this hole I'm in soon before I drive them away. lol.    I am lucky my niece is so adorable, because cuddling her is better than cuddling ceely or Bijou, and that is really saying something.  Plus despite the fact she is only 10 months old, she is hilarious.  Despite the fact that Highline Ballroom is not always the most lucrative place to be employed, I work with truly awesome people... fun, down to earth, friendly people, and I am thankful for that.  Plus I get to name drop and listen to awesome music and I find whenever I'm hostessing, I meet the coolest random people. haha.  Hmmm.... oh, I'm also thankful the weather is warmer and laying out on the terrace is an option.  

When you feel like giving up

I've been having a rough week... actually, more of a rough month and a rough year.  Life is harder than I ever thought it would be.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but certainly not my current life.  I think maybe I was read too many fairytales as a young child or maybe I am still too much of a day-dreamer.  It's just that I get these sweet, little fantasies in my head of the way things should be, or how I want things to go, and then reality is a hard, cold, slap across my face.  I am starting my internship with Topix Media Labs tomorrow, and I'm excited but kind of nervous.  I am going to have NO time left to myself (which is probably a good thing in my case... less time to think about things) with my job at Highline and the internship.  I also had an interview with Webster Hall for a bottle server position in the VIP lounge and am still waiting to hear back from that.  We will see.  If I get that I'll probably never sleep or go out again as there will never be time to myself.  It will keep me out of trouble... that is for sure.  I am currently sunning my ass on the terrace, with a sheet thrown over my laptop and head in a mini, tent-like fashion, since the sun was too bright for me to see the screen. hahaha... I probably look like a real freak right now.  Maybe I should SPF my legs.... don't want to repeat the day I passed out naked on the deck at home and woke up with a severe burn all over my legs, back and ass.

I have been so depressed lately.  Being single is harder than I ever thought it would be.  I know that I wanted to be single for a while after getting out of my three year relationship, and I thought it would be good for me... and I suppose it is good for me, it's just such a hard transition to go from constant attention and reassurance and love to, well...nothingness.  The dating scene in NYC is completely different from the ballpark I was dealing with three years ago when I was still in school and single.  Everyone I've gone out with basically just wants sex; I just want some fucking companionship.  I know I knock my body and the way I look a lot, but as of late the only positive affirmations I get are solely based on the way I look.  I'm starting to wonder if I have some kind of major personality flaw I'm completely oblivious too that makes people disinterested (maybe it's because I'm insane...).  Maybe I should stop listening to Sigur Rios, and Radiohead... it's not helping these feelings of complete and utter despairity (<--- apparently that isn't a real word).  Thank God for the friends that deal with me when I call them freaking out and in a state of tears... I don't know where I would be if I didn't have people that care about me right now, pretty fucking hopeless.

Last night was another hip hop show and on top of my ears almost bleeding from the awful fucking music by the end of the night, I had a terrible contact high from all the people smoking joints in my section ( I was waiting on Miguel and his crew).  I also had one table walk out on a check.  I'm so fucking sick of waiting on people... that is not what I intended to be doing with my life at this point, and half the nights I work, it isn't even worth it.  I guess I should still be lucky I have a job... even if it makes me hate humanity.  I just want something to look forward to again.

I had the most amazing time in Albany this past weekend and I'm still emotionally hungover I think.  You know when you just have such a perfect, great, and fun time with friends and then it's all over and it's back to the grind, and you are depressed because every day can't be filled with fun?  Yeah, it's now Wednesday and I'm still feeling that way.  OMG... I really need to stop listening to radiohead. hahaha.  I'm going to finish my book this month- I suppose that is something to look forward to.  Maybe I can find a publisher after I edit it a billion times... probably not though, because who would ever want to read what I have to say? Jk... clearly YOU do, if you're still reading this godforesaken blog of mine ;) hahah.   I miss my girlfriends and family so much.  I miss having girlfriends around that I can drink shitty wine with on a random weekday night and bitch about boys to.  I miss having girlfriends with inside jokes and shared memories.  I am sad I can't go home this weekend with my sister and brother in law since I have work.  My entire family is going out to celebrate my younger brother's 21st and Mother's day (a weekend early, yes... that is how were doing it).  I miss my pets.  I think I need prozac. I also think I need to gain some weight because I can feel my pubic bone and ribs digging into the wood I'm laying on.  San Loco is sounding mighty good right now.

As per usual, I'll leave you with some shitty selfies, because at the end of the day, I'm still a terrible narcissist.  ..... someone come save me.

I might start living in this romper... it is so comfy and flattering. 

My Elton John Stunners... I need a fucking tan. 

Finally some good news

So, apparently I am not doing actual bottle serving on Saturday nights... which is a HUGE relief. ha.  I am bottle hostessing rather, which entails standing at the door looking cute (or as cute as a field mouse such as myself can possibly be) and then leading people with table reservations to their assigned tables.  Easy enough for a simpleton such as myself ;) .  I don't have to deal with any irate customers, people arguing about checks, people being wasted assholes, or people thinking I'm not hot enough to be pouring their liquor.  It is a pretty sweet gig.  I thought I would be bored to death standing around last night for 5 hours waiting for people with table reservations to arrive, but it was a pretty decent night.  On Friday's, Highline Ballroom does an EDM show with a line-up of several dj's, so not only is the music awesome (if you like that kind of stuff), but everyone is high on molly or getting drunk, so they're all pretty social and happy people.  I met so many interesting people last night that it was nearly impossible to get bored.  I even ran into my ex-boyfriend's old friends from Oneonta- what a surprise that was. haha.  No, really though, it is nice to run into people that you know in such a large city.  I was happy to see some familiar faces amongst the swarming sea of clubbers.  Plus, anyone who knows me knows I simply love any opportunity to dress up; so putting on a black dress and heels is enough motivation for me to want to hostess anyhow.  hahaha.  I'm pathetic.

I photograph much better than I look in real life.  

If anyone ever needs to borrow a skin-tight black dress, I'm your girl.  I think in another life I may have been a prostitute; that's the only explanation I can think of for my soft spot for body-con dresses. 

In other awesome news, I snagged an editorial intern position with Topix Media Lab.  They do special publications on individuals, tv shows, movies, etc.  So if you walk into a store and see a magazine that is "All About Taylor Swift" or "Michelle Obama" or "Pretty Little Liars," it very well have been written and put together by Topix Media lab!  I'm pretty excited because the team of people working their have worked at Rolling Stone Magazine, for Elle, and Jane etc.  I start the first week in May and cannot wait!  I am still pumped for my interview with Sleep no More next week though, and if I can somehow swing a writing internship along with a costume internship and manage to have enough time to keep working for money, I will do all three.  I find the busier I am kept, the better for my feeble mind.  When I have too much free time I become very self-destructive and self-hating.  It's a vicious cycle.  I am also on page 206 of my book.  I hope to finish it by June.  No idea what I am going to do with it once it is done, but I want it to be done as soon as is possible.  

When I can't sleep

I can't sleep despite my best efforts, so I decided to write a blog, since I've been really negligent lately due to work, job interviews (more on that in a minute) and life.  Since my computer is my primary source of entertainment, and because I had already watched the best that Netflix had to offer (OMG... 'Girl Model' is finally on Netflix- I was pumped!), I started looking at old photos I have stored on my computer from the days when my macbook's camera was actually functional (this was before the infamous hot-water spill).  Being the narcissist that I am, most of the pictures are of myself, and I was taken aback by how young I was.  I mean, it was only 7 years ago... less even... how did I look so much younger?  I looked like a baby.  I wonder if 7 years from now, I will look back on photos from this age and think to myself, "shit son, I was fucking young!".  

If I knew then, what I know now. ha.  Jk... I still don't know that much, but I'm learning, and that is what counts.  I just got out of my first and only relationship a little over a month ago now.  The past three years of my life were awesome and much needed for my growth as an individual; I learned a lot about myself and what I want in life, but in a lot of ways the last three years were a major distraction.  When things started to go on a steady decline downhill, I stopped caring about myself to a large extent, and I put so much time and energy into fixing something I didn't have the power to fix.  I was sad for a long time- and confused.  How do you say 'good bye' to a person who had become one of your best friends?  The person you can tell everything to... the person you loved with your heart and soul.  Being the naive, v-card holding, inexperienced, dreamer I was when I was 22, I had a secret fantasy the relationship would last for eternity.  I tried my hardest to make that sweet, little fairy-tale happen, until the day I woke the fuck up and realized I was wasting both of our time.  I learned the hard way after being hurt again and again, that you can't fix someone else.  I won't make that mistake again.  

Life is pretty crazy.  I remember being 18 and feeling so pathetic and alone because I had never had a boyfriend and had kissed one guy.  I remember thinking I was ugly, and that's why no one wanted to date me.  I mean, the reality of the situation is, I was an introverted nerd all throughout high school, and immediately after graduating I went to a school consisting of girls and gays.  I know you shouldn't measure yourself based on other's validation, but I'm pretty sure my lack of romance really affected my self-confidence.  Despite being a narcissist, I still feel pretty busted most days.  It's something I've been working on for a while, but still need major improvement upon. 

Life has been looking up for me this week.  Today I had an interview for an editorial assistant position with Topix Media Lab... I really, really, really want it.  Next week, I have an interview for a costume internship with 'Sleep No More.'  Hopefully one of these works about.  I've tried not to get my hopes up, because every time I get my hopes up, they are quickly bludgeoned down. haha.. yes, i am dramatic.  

I really want eggnog right now; it's such a shame that stores don't make it during the spring/summer months... I might have to make my own now.  Also, I really want perogies with lots of sour cream.  And now I want San Loco... delicious catfish tacos and chipotle chicken tacos... 

A can of Mace and a Gallon of Syrup

Sitting here alone on Easter and contemplating my life.  This was the first, major holiday I have ever spent away from my family and it really sucked to know they were sitting down to a family brunch while I slaved away for $5 an hour serving other families their Easter brunch.  Sigh.  It's days like these I miss my small town, and I hate to admit it, but I actually miss Mollister (you know... the place I used to work that I can't use the real name of since I slandered them repeatedly in previous entries).  I was listening to Kings of Leon radio on Pandora and they kept playing songs by Phoenix and Fun that used to play at Mollister and it made me all nostalgic and sad, so now I'm just sitting here listening to Lady Gaga Pandora, and T.A.t.u is playing... good stuff.  I was in a foul mood when I got out of work (which seems to be coming an increasingly common occurrence as of late) and then the L-train took 12 minutes just to get to the 8th Ave. platform where I stood waiting.  All around me were happy families coming or going to Easter dinners and couples PDA-ing and it was unbearable to be standing there alone.   I could have taken this weekend off in advance if I really needed to, but seeing as how the place where I work was dark (aka... no shows were scheduled) two days last week, I knew if I wasn't available to work on the weekend I probably wouldn't get scheduled at all and I need money.  It's the life of hard-knocks for this girl. sigh. I miss Bijou and Ceely so much it's ridiculous.  I've been having my parents send me pictures of them on a bi-weekly basis.  Last week my sweet Bijou got in a cat fight and had a scratch on his third-eyelid, which required a visit to the vet and some topical creme.  My poor baby, he needs his mom home to protect him from the neighborhood bullies.  lol.

At least the weather is getting warmer and sunnier so hopefully I can shed the winter weight I put on (thanks to baked goods, hearty pasta dishes, and drunken San Loco fests) and also lose my severe case of the SADs (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  Yesterday was nearly 60 degrees, and since I was all alone with nothing to do, I spent the afternoon sunbathing in my skiver-me-shimbers on the terrace.  It was really nice to feel the warm sun searing my flesh that hadn't seen the light of day in about 8 months time. hahaha.

The only thing that would have made this better would have been a delicious cocktail and a hot masseur. 

My parents sent back some treats with my sister and brother in law including a gallon of maple syrup and a can of mace. lol... my dad decided I needed a can of mace to carry in my purse to defend myself in the event of an attacker when I get out of work at night.  He keeps reminding me every time I speak with him on the phone not to get it in my eyes and to read the instructions.... I swear, he thinks I'm five sometimes.  Now that I'm older, I appreciate my dad's over-protectiveness.  I mean, not only did the man make and pack my school lunches for 12 years of my life (he went through such great lengths as to cook bacon so he could make me club sandwiches and BLTs for years), but he always serviced my car, changed the oil, made sure I had gloves, blankets, flashlights, first-aid kits, and extra change in my car, built me fires when I said I wanted to have a get-together in the woods with my friends, and always made sure I was over-packed for any over-night trip I've ever gone on.  I think it has really changed my outlook on what I look for in a man, because even though I don't particularly like macho-men, I definitely appreciate a guy who can change a car tire or build me a fire from scratch these days.   I only wish my dad hadn't been so over-protective when it came to playing with sparklers because I had my second run-in with them the other night, with no supervision.  I am pretty sure I already mentioned the first night I was doing bottle service and had to use a sparkler un-supervised for the first time in my life and I didn't know how to put it out and started jamming it in the bucket of ice on the table as the flame rose higher and higher.... that was REAL humiliating.  Well, I finally know that they burn out on their own, but the other night at work, I had to do bottle service and bring up some bottles on stage for Reverend Run's son, Diggie.  It was a real shitshow; the promoter wanted a big production so I went up on stage carrying sparklers and a bottle with two of the other girls I was working with.  Let me tell you; three sparklers in one hand is a TERRIBLE idea.  I didn't get severely injured, but I burnt the skin between my thumb and index finger and it felt raw and ache-y for the rest of the night.  I then read the label on the sparkler's packaging and thought it was pretty ironic:

Now, in case you can't make out the writing, it says "For OUTDOOR use only; stick base firmly in ground in upright position.  DO NOT HOLD IN HAND.  Light tip and GET AWAY." I guess holding three sparklers in one hand isn't exactly proper protocol.  My dad would have thrown a shit fit if he'd seen that. 

I'm starting to wonder if I will ever have a discretionary income again.  I miss shopping and being able to go out with no worries, or the days of yore when buying myself a nice, new frock didn't come accompanied with feelings of regret like, "oh shit, I should have spent that $60 on groceries." Now, my only form of self-indulgence is painting my nails or if I'm feeling really frivolous, I might slap on some good ol' self tanner to lift my spirits.  Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?  I really hope things start to look up soon... Hustler Club is starting to sound like a realllly good option.  I'm really glad that I didn't get cable when I first moved here because having another bill on top of student loans and rent would just be terrible news right about now.  When I can finally afford cable, I'm going to throw a huge, white-trashed theme party for everyone I know to come watch some trashy reality shows at my apartment while I serve up PBR and potato chips. And I'm going where the trashiest romper ever.  I got this lil' baby from Nastygal.com for my bday, and naturally didn't end up wearing it out because well, let's face it- I spent my bday upstate and this type of number doesn't really fly at the local bar or even the nearest local college town.  Such a shame....

Yeah, pretty sure this back side wouldn't fly anywhere.... maybe in a cage at a gay bar.  Why do I buy things I can't even wear out?  I wish I could just live in a world where it was ok to where sexy clothes without the fear of sexual assault or people assuming I was a slut.