When you feel like giving up

I've been having a rough week... actually, more of a rough month and a rough year.  Life is harder than I ever thought it would be.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but certainly not my current life.  I think maybe I was read too many fairytales as a young child or maybe I am still too much of a day-dreamer.  It's just that I get these sweet, little fantasies in my head of the way things should be, or how I want things to go, and then reality is a hard, cold, slap across my face.  I am starting my internship with Topix Media Labs tomorrow, and I'm excited but kind of nervous.  I am going to have NO time left to myself (which is probably a good thing in my case... less time to think about things) with my job at Highline and the internship.  I also had an interview with Webster Hall for a bottle server position in the VIP lounge and am still waiting to hear back from that.  We will see.  If I get that I'll probably never sleep or go out again as there will never be time to myself.  It will keep me out of trouble... that is for sure.  I am currently sunning my ass on the terrace, with a sheet thrown over my laptop and head in a mini, tent-like fashion, since the sun was too bright for me to see the screen. hahaha... I probably look like a real freak right now.  Maybe I should SPF my legs.... don't want to repeat the day I passed out naked on the deck at home and woke up with a severe burn all over my legs, back and ass.

I have been so depressed lately.  Being single is harder than I ever thought it would be.  I know that I wanted to be single for a while after getting out of my three year relationship, and I thought it would be good for me... and I suppose it is good for me, it's just such a hard transition to go from constant attention and reassurance and love to, well...nothingness.  The dating scene in NYC is completely different from the ballpark I was dealing with three years ago when I was still in school and single.  Everyone I've gone out with basically just wants sex; I just want some fucking companionship.  I know I knock my body and the way I look a lot, but as of late the only positive affirmations I get are solely based on the way I look.  I'm starting to wonder if I have some kind of major personality flaw I'm completely oblivious too that makes people disinterested (maybe it's because I'm insane...).  Maybe I should stop listening to Sigur Rios, and Radiohead... it's not helping these feelings of complete and utter despairity (<--- apparently that isn't a real word).  Thank God for the friends that deal with me when I call them freaking out and in a state of tears... I don't know where I would be if I didn't have people that care about me right now, pretty fucking hopeless.

Last night was another hip hop show and on top of my ears almost bleeding from the awful fucking music by the end of the night, I had a terrible contact high from all the people smoking joints in my section ( I was waiting on Miguel and his crew).  I also had one table walk out on a check.  I'm so fucking sick of waiting on people... that is not what I intended to be doing with my life at this point, and half the nights I work, it isn't even worth it.  I guess I should still be lucky I have a job... even if it makes me hate humanity.  I just want something to look forward to again.

I had the most amazing time in Albany this past weekend and I'm still emotionally hungover I think.  You know when you just have such a perfect, great, and fun time with friends and then it's all over and it's back to the grind, and you are depressed because every day can't be filled with fun?  Yeah, it's now Wednesday and I'm still feeling that way.  OMG... I really need to stop listening to radiohead. hahaha.  I'm going to finish my book this month- I suppose that is something to look forward to.  Maybe I can find a publisher after I edit it a billion times... probably not though, because who would ever want to read what I have to say? Jk... clearly YOU do, if you're still reading this godforesaken blog of mine ;) hahah.   I miss my girlfriends and family so much.  I miss having girlfriends around that I can drink shitty wine with on a random weekday night and bitch about boys to.  I miss having girlfriends with inside jokes and shared memories.  I am sad I can't go home this weekend with my sister and brother in law since I have work.  My entire family is going out to celebrate my younger brother's 21st and Mother's day (a weekend early, yes... that is how were doing it).  I miss my pets.  I think I need prozac. I also think I need to gain some weight because I can feel my pubic bone and ribs digging into the wood I'm laying on.  San Loco is sounding mighty good right now.

As per usual, I'll leave you with some shitty selfies, because at the end of the day, I'm still a terrible narcissist.  ..... someone come save me.

I might start living in this romper... it is so comfy and flattering. 

My Elton John Stunners... I need a fucking tan. 

Finally some good news

So, apparently I am not doing actual bottle serving on Saturday nights... which is a HUGE relief. ha.  I am bottle hostessing rather, which entails standing at the door looking cute (or as cute as a field mouse such as myself can possibly be) and then leading people with table reservations to their assigned tables.  Easy enough for a simpleton such as myself ;) .  I don't have to deal with any irate customers, people arguing about checks, people being wasted assholes, or people thinking I'm not hot enough to be pouring their liquor.  It is a pretty sweet gig.  I thought I would be bored to death standing around last night for 5 hours waiting for people with table reservations to arrive, but it was a pretty decent night.  On Friday's, Highline Ballroom does an EDM show with a line-up of several dj's, so not only is the music awesome (if you like that kind of stuff), but everyone is high on molly or getting drunk, so they're all pretty social and happy people.  I met so many interesting people last night that it was nearly impossible to get bored.  I even ran into my ex-boyfriend's old friends from Oneonta- what a surprise that was. haha.  No, really though, it is nice to run into people that you know in such a large city.  I was happy to see some familiar faces amongst the swarming sea of clubbers.  Plus, anyone who knows me knows I simply love any opportunity to dress up; so putting on a black dress and heels is enough motivation for me to want to hostess anyhow.  hahaha.  I'm pathetic.

I photograph much better than I look in real life.  

If anyone ever needs to borrow a skin-tight black dress, I'm your girl.  I think in another life I may have been a prostitute; that's the only explanation I can think of for my soft spot for body-con dresses. 

In other awesome news, I snagged an editorial intern position with Topix Media Lab.  They do special publications on individuals, tv shows, movies, etc.  So if you walk into a store and see a magazine that is "All About Taylor Swift" or "Michelle Obama" or "Pretty Little Liars," it very well have been written and put together by Topix Media lab!  I'm pretty excited because the team of people working their have worked at Rolling Stone Magazine, for Elle, and Jane etc.  I start the first week in May and cannot wait!  I am still pumped for my interview with Sleep no More next week though, and if I can somehow swing a writing internship along with a costume internship and manage to have enough time to keep working for money, I will do all three.  I find the busier I am kept, the better for my feeble mind.  When I have too much free time I become very self-destructive and self-hating.  It's a vicious cycle.  I am also on page 206 of my book.  I hope to finish it by June.  No idea what I am going to do with it once it is done, but I want it to be done as soon as is possible.  

When I can't sleep

I can't sleep despite my best efforts, so I decided to write a blog, since I've been really negligent lately due to work, job interviews (more on that in a minute) and life.  Since my computer is my primary source of entertainment, and because I had already watched the best that Netflix had to offer (OMG... 'Girl Model' is finally on Netflix- I was pumped!), I started looking at old photos I have stored on my computer from the days when my macbook's camera was actually functional (this was before the infamous hot-water spill).  Being the narcissist that I am, most of the pictures are of myself, and I was taken aback by how young I was.  I mean, it was only 7 years ago... less even... how did I look so much younger?  I looked like a baby.  I wonder if 7 years from now, I will look back on photos from this age and think to myself, "shit son, I was fucking young!".  

If I knew then, what I know now. ha.  Jk... I still don't know that much, but I'm learning, and that is what counts.  I just got out of my first and only relationship a little over a month ago now.  The past three years of my life were awesome and much needed for my growth as an individual; I learned a lot about myself and what I want in life, but in a lot of ways the last three years were a major distraction.  When things started to go on a steady decline downhill, I stopped caring about myself to a large extent, and I put so much time and energy into fixing something I didn't have the power to fix.  I was sad for a long time- and confused.  How do you say 'good bye' to a person who had become one of your best friends?  The person you can tell everything to... the person you loved with your heart and soul.  Being the naive, v-card holding, inexperienced, dreamer I was when I was 22, I had a secret fantasy the relationship would last for eternity.  I tried my hardest to make that sweet, little fairy-tale happen, until the day I woke the fuck up and realized I was wasting both of our time.  I learned the hard way after being hurt again and again, that you can't fix someone else.  I won't make that mistake again.  

Life is pretty crazy.  I remember being 18 and feeling so pathetic and alone because I had never had a boyfriend and had kissed one guy.  I remember thinking I was ugly, and that's why no one wanted to date me.  I mean, the reality of the situation is, I was an introverted nerd all throughout high school, and immediately after graduating I went to a school consisting of girls and gays.  I know you shouldn't measure yourself based on other's validation, but I'm pretty sure my lack of romance really affected my self-confidence.  Despite being a narcissist, I still feel pretty busted most days.  It's something I've been working on for a while, but still need major improvement upon. 

Life has been looking up for me this week.  Today I had an interview for an editorial assistant position with Topix Media Lab... I really, really, really want it.  Next week, I have an interview for a costume internship with 'Sleep No More.'  Hopefully one of these works about.  I've tried not to get my hopes up, because every time I get my hopes up, they are quickly bludgeoned down. haha.. yes, i am dramatic.  

I really want eggnog right now; it's such a shame that stores don't make it during the spring/summer months... I might have to make my own now.  Also, I really want perogies with lots of sour cream.  And now I want San Loco... delicious catfish tacos and chipotle chicken tacos... 

A can of Mace and a Gallon of Syrup

Sitting here alone on Easter and contemplating my life.  This was the first, major holiday I have ever spent away from my family and it really sucked to know they were sitting down to a family brunch while I slaved away for $5 an hour serving other families their Easter brunch.  Sigh.  It's days like these I miss my small town, and I hate to admit it, but I actually miss Mollister (you know... the place I used to work that I can't use the real name of since I slandered them repeatedly in previous entries).  I was listening to Kings of Leon radio on Pandora and they kept playing songs by Phoenix and Fun that used to play at Mollister and it made me all nostalgic and sad, so now I'm just sitting here listening to Lady Gaga Pandora, and T.A.t.u is playing... good stuff.  I was in a foul mood when I got out of work (which seems to be coming an increasingly common occurrence as of late) and then the L-train took 12 minutes just to get to the 8th Ave. platform where I stood waiting.  All around me were happy families coming or going to Easter dinners and couples PDA-ing and it was unbearable to be standing there alone.   I could have taken this weekend off in advance if I really needed to, but seeing as how the place where I work was dark (aka... no shows were scheduled) two days last week, I knew if I wasn't available to work on the weekend I probably wouldn't get scheduled at all and I need money.  It's the life of hard-knocks for this girl. sigh. I miss Bijou and Ceely so much it's ridiculous.  I've been having my parents send me pictures of them on a bi-weekly basis.  Last week my sweet Bijou got in a cat fight and had a scratch on his third-eyelid, which required a visit to the vet and some topical creme.  My poor baby, he needs his mom home to protect him from the neighborhood bullies.  lol.

At least the weather is getting warmer and sunnier so hopefully I can shed the winter weight I put on (thanks to baked goods, hearty pasta dishes, and drunken San Loco fests) and also lose my severe case of the SADs (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  Yesterday was nearly 60 degrees, and since I was all alone with nothing to do, I spent the afternoon sunbathing in my skiver-me-shimbers on the terrace.  It was really nice to feel the warm sun searing my flesh that hadn't seen the light of day in about 8 months time. hahaha.

The only thing that would have made this better would have been a delicious cocktail and a hot masseur. 

My parents sent back some treats with my sister and brother in law including a gallon of maple syrup and a can of mace. lol... my dad decided I needed a can of mace to carry in my purse to defend myself in the event of an attacker when I get out of work at night.  He keeps reminding me every time I speak with him on the phone not to get it in my eyes and to read the instructions.... I swear, he thinks I'm five sometimes.  Now that I'm older, I appreciate my dad's over-protectiveness.  I mean, not only did the man make and pack my school lunches for 12 years of my life (he went through such great lengths as to cook bacon so he could make me club sandwiches and BLTs for years), but he always serviced my car, changed the oil, made sure I had gloves, blankets, flashlights, first-aid kits, and extra change in my car, built me fires when I said I wanted to have a get-together in the woods with my friends, and always made sure I was over-packed for any over-night trip I've ever gone on.  I think it has really changed my outlook on what I look for in a man, because even though I don't particularly like macho-men, I definitely appreciate a guy who can change a car tire or build me a fire from scratch these days.   I only wish my dad hadn't been so over-protective when it came to playing with sparklers because I had my second run-in with them the other night, with no supervision.  I am pretty sure I already mentioned the first night I was doing bottle service and had to use a sparkler un-supervised for the first time in my life and I didn't know how to put it out and started jamming it in the bucket of ice on the table as the flame rose higher and higher.... that was REAL humiliating.  Well, I finally know that they burn out on their own, but the other night at work, I had to do bottle service and bring up some bottles on stage for Reverend Run's son, Diggie.  It was a real shitshow; the promoter wanted a big production so I went up on stage carrying sparklers and a bottle with two of the other girls I was working with.  Let me tell you; three sparklers in one hand is a TERRIBLE idea.  I didn't get severely injured, but I burnt the skin between my thumb and index finger and it felt raw and ache-y for the rest of the night.  I then read the label on the sparkler's packaging and thought it was pretty ironic:

Now, in case you can't make out the writing, it says "For OUTDOOR use only; stick base firmly in ground in upright position.  DO NOT HOLD IN HAND.  Light tip and GET AWAY." I guess holding three sparklers in one hand isn't exactly proper protocol.  My dad would have thrown a shit fit if he'd seen that. 

I'm starting to wonder if I will ever have a discretionary income again.  I miss shopping and being able to go out with no worries, or the days of yore when buying myself a nice, new frock didn't come accompanied with feelings of regret like, "oh shit, I should have spent that $60 on groceries." Now, my only form of self-indulgence is painting my nails or if I'm feeling really frivolous, I might slap on some good ol' self tanner to lift my spirits.  Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?  I really hope things start to look up soon... Hustler Club is starting to sound like a realllly good option.  I'm really glad that I didn't get cable when I first moved here because having another bill on top of student loans and rent would just be terrible news right about now.  When I can finally afford cable, I'm going to throw a huge, white-trashed theme party for everyone I know to come watch some trashy reality shows at my apartment while I serve up PBR and potato chips. And I'm going where the trashiest romper ever.  I got this lil' baby from Nastygal.com for my bday, and naturally didn't end up wearing it out because well, let's face it- I spent my bday upstate and this type of number doesn't really fly at the local bar or even the nearest local college town.  Such a shame....

Yeah, pretty sure this back side wouldn't fly anywhere.... maybe in a cage at a gay bar.  Why do I buy things I can't even wear out?  I wish I could just live in a world where it was ok to where sexy clothes without the fear of sexual assault or people assuming I was a slut. 

When Life Gives You Lemons...

This blog entry will entail a major bitch fest; consider yourself warned.

I'm not sure how it is possible for me to NOT have a full-time, decent-paying job at this point in my search.  It's a sad, sad day when you're scrolling through Craigslist and you stop and consider applying to a job as a night-shift Janitor at an Equinox gym in Queens.  It's as equally as pathetic when you are scrolling through Craiglist and consider applying as a nude model for an art class because you're just so hard up.  I have to keep reading the ridiculous personal ads and 'missed connections' postings on Craigslist just to inject a bit of humor into my life while I apply to job, after job, after job, after job after job, after job... you get the point.

I was expecting around $600 from my State Tax Return.  I got a decent amount back from my Federal and was still awaiting my State return when I received a letter saying I, in fact, owed $233.  My parents filed my taxes for me and were the ones who informed me how much I should be getting back from both state and federal, so I'm not sure how it went from me getting back $600 to me OWING $233.  That's just another wrench thrown into the wheel that is my life right now.   On top of that, the last few weeks at work have been extremely non-lucrative.  On top of having several dark days (aka, No shows are schedules), my tips have been less than satisfactory.  I don't even know why I say that I will do hospitality either, when the bands never tip.  What's wrong with people?!  Then I'll have terrible customers who choose to sit down, knowing there is a set minimum they have to spend to sit at a table, tip me like, $1 on a $20 tab.   I'm not sure what is wrong with some people, but if you can't fucking afford to tip your waitress (whom is making a measly $5/hour) at LEAST 18%, you probably shouldn't even be shelling out money to eat out.  People are so inconsiderate.

My skin is in the middle of a severe break-out due to stress, my acne meds make me feel nauseous and like complete shit, and on top of that, my MVP insurance didn't even cover my one time visit to the local dermatologist, so they went ahead and helped themselves to $120 directly from my account.  Let this be a lesson to you all; NEVER let anyone make a copy of your debit card, even if they say it is mandatory when you visit the office.  Seeing as how I am still on my parent's insurance, all of my MVP billing statements are sent home, so I never see them.  I checked my home credit union account on line this weekend, and was wondering where $120 of my money had mysteriously gone.  Upon further investigation, I saw that it went to Williamsburg Dermatology; please keep in mind, the FIRST, LAST, and ONLY time that I even went to the office was November 7th.  I paid my $15 co-pay when I went, and thought my insurance would cover the rest; afterall, I had gone to this office in the first place because I saw that they accepted MVP coverage. Alas, after calling the dermatology office and my insurance provider, I found out that they only accepted select sub-categories of MVP insurance, and so, without any acknowledgment or notice or bill, they helped themselves to my money.  I think it is pretty fucking shady I wasn't even informed that I owed them anything and they went ahead and just took it out of my account.  A day after the money mysteriously disappeared from my account, I received a bill in the mail from them.  What poor timing on their behalf.... I'm never going there again.

I  think I might go back to a trade-school for like plumbing or auto mechanics so I can make some decent money.

BOOOOOZE on the brain

I haven't written a blog in over a month because I've been too busy to even complete my normal daily routine.  I've been so busy, that I haven't even had time to read the 'Afternoon Crumbs' on Dlisted.com, or check out the new dresses on Nastygal.com like I used to do every morning as I had a leisurely, two cups of coffee.  Alas, I can finally breath a sigh of relief, as the show I was working on (SAGA) has premiered, so I am done going into the costume shop daily and slaving away making birch-branch chandeliers for the gala.  The opening night of the show was FANTASTIC.  I hadn't sat through a full rehearsal prior to seeing the show on stage.... it truly was amazing.  Tickets are $30 and it is running through April 14th at Baruch College before Wakka Wakka Productions goes on tour.  You won't be disappointed, even if you are skeptical because it's a puppet show... GO!  I know I'm a little biased because I worked on the costumes and props, but honestly, it was such a great production it is worth every penny to go see it.   Here is the New York Times review if you don't believe me:  http://theater.nytimes.com/show/105787/Saga/overview.  Five out of five stars!

Holy shit, I can't believe I worked on a show that was reviewed by NYTimes.  I'm sorry if I'm coming across as a gloaty-goaty right now. hahaha.  I just had an epiphany.  I don't care If I didn't get paid a cent- the experience was a amazing as were all of the individuals I had the opportunity to work for/with.  Even though I have free time again, I am sad it's over.  Isn't it always that way?  It's like when you're super stressed and busy before Christmas, and then it comes and it's so great and you wake up and it's all over.  All the months of preparation, the work and time and effort for one joyous moment and then it's over.  Well, it's not over for the cast and crew, but I'm done for the time being.  Sigh.  I guess it's back to filling my time with job searching.  At least I can clean all of the glitter and paint marks off my floor.  For the past three weeks it has looked like Ke$ha was blowing glitter lines all over my apartment.


I had planned on going home this week to spend some quality time with Bijou and Ceely (and maybe the rest of my family), however I remembered I have these two cats to feed and scoop shit for.  Plus, I don't want to take a smelly Greyhound (see previous entries if you must know my history with the public bus system and why I hate it).  I may go home this weekend since I am not scheduled to work at Highline... I don't know if I can trust the cats to not shit on my bed though like they did last time I went home for a day and a half.

If you're wondering why this entry is titled "Boooze on the brain," it's because now that I'm a little less high-strung than I have been the past few weeks, I feel the urge to put on some sexy little number and go get wasted (well, within reason).   Also, one of my friends texted me an old photo of a hip-hop party we threw when I was still at Oneonta, and I started to feel very nostalgic for my past life.  I know I am still young and I can go party if I want to.  But it's just like, now I feel guilty sleeping-in when it seems like there is always something I need to get done or some obligation I have.  My alcohol tolerance is way lower than it once was and I get wasted fast and hard (a couple of weeks ago I missed the Oscars because I went out on an empty stomach after work and had 2.5 vodka and cranberries and got trashed to the point of vomiting and crying... shameful).  Also, my hangovers are quite nasty in my old age.  And now I feel remorseful when I act the drunken fool too.  I just wish I could go back for a week and go on like a three day bender, partying every night and wearing heels and tight dresses and throwing skittles on my floor and sprinkling glitter on it to add ambiance the way I once did (oh wait, I still have glitter all over my floor from making stuff for the gala- now I just need a box of wine and some friends).

Woe is Me

What's a girl gotta do to get a full-time job in this godforsaken town?  Who's *ock do I have to suck? JK... I had 'Black Swan' on my brain, and I love the crazy face Winona Ryder makes when she asks Nina 'Did you suck his cock?!' lol.  Please see below if you really don't know what I'm talking about... you should know.

LMAO.  I'm back to the old grind of job-searching after figuring that even the most lucrative of weeks at Highline Ballroom is not nearly enough to support the lifestyle to which I am accustomed (and by that I mean enough money to pay bills, buy food and the occasional bottle of wine, and some fun clothes... I really don't ask for much).  I was really looking forward to my interview with Free People on Wednesday for a store management position, however my wake up call this morning was an email notification on my phone; the email said that they (the person in charge of hiring at Free People) were canceling my interview because they had filled the position.  Why the fuck would they even set up an interview a week ago if they had planned to fill the position right away?  I'm pretty sure they hired internally, but they could have at least followed through with whatever interviews they had already scheduled (including mine) to at least pretend to be fair.  Any chance to interview is a good experience, and now I don't even have that... so discouraging.  I have yet to hear back from either of the two jobs I am still waiting to hear back from, the respective interviews for each of those were a month ago and two weeks ago, respectively.  I just wish someone would let me know that I didn't get the job (if that is the case) so I could come to some closure and move on.  I've been searching for four months now with no 'real' job (an no, my part-time night job doesn't count as 'real'), to no avail.  I just don't understand... I am smart, I have experience, I work hard, I was never late or called off sick EVER at any of my last jobs, I interview well, I am friendly, I just don't get it.... I should probably start looking into grad school now, because it seems I have no alternative at this point. 

Today I received a membership card to sign up for AARP... for those of you who don't know, AARP is an organization you have to be at least 50 years old to join. WTF?!  I am now wondering if someone stole my identity or if this is some kind of sick joke the world is playing on me because I've been so obsessed with getting older recently.  I decided to treat myself to a romper I have been coveting on Nastygal.com for the past 4 months.  It went on sale and was only $25 when I purchased it, so I am very proud of myself for waiting it out.  It's pretty slutty, but you know how I like my clothes; short, tight, and/or see-through:

http://www.nastygal.com/sale/peplum%2Dmesh%2Dromper%2Dblack

I missed out on going home this past weekend with my sister and brother-in-law, because I had work on Friday night when they drove upstate, and I positively refuse to EVER ride a bus again.  I would really really love to try and make it home sometime around my Bday this month, because I really miss my family, friends, and pets.  I am craving some nature as well; the windy city streets really piss me off.  I think I almost got frostbite walking to Greenpoint last week.  I spent my weekend alone, being fat and playing dress up.  I don't know what is wrong with me, but I really enjoy experimenting with make up and hair.  I wish I could be a new person every day... even if that person is a freaky-deaky Tim Burton character:

 

I think the blue hair chalk would have a more profound effect on lighter hair.  But it's still pretty cool.

Looking more psychotic than Nicki Minaj...My arm and hand also look gigantic. 

Sigh.  At least I am the proud owner of a new coffee pot and a crock pot.  I plan on making pulled pork later in the week, seeing as how I haven't had meat in a coon's age and definitely don't eat enough protein otherwise to compensate. I will leave you with some links to my latest article on Renegade Chicks and a link to the theater company I am helping plan a gala for.  Do what you will with them. 

http://renegadechicks.com/our-worst-critic-determining-self-worth/#more-9385

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wakka-Wakka-Productions/198785836925856?ref=ts&fref=ts