Streeesssssssssseeed

I was thinking about eschewing my acne meds for the time being, since my face is now 100% blemish free (knocks furiously on wooden desk).  However, given my increased stress level over these past few days, I suppose I better call that prescription in and fucking double dose that shit.  Not only have I consumed an entire jar of Trader Joe's cookie butter (that shit is so good it should be illegal), but to top off the sugar aspect of it all, my stress level has also increased due to two terrible nights at work.  It's such a vicious cycle, isn't it?  I come home late and pissed off, so I binge eat cookie butter, and then the sugar makes me break out in coincidence with the stress, and then I'm more stressed out because I've gained weight and gotten blemishes, so I eat more cookie butter... fml.

I mean, technically my first truly awful night at work was about a week after I had started, when I worked at an A$AP concert (hip hop artist) and two different tables walked on their checks and some other tables didn't even tip.  I was so furious I came home crying that night because I wanted to slap the shit out of those customers.  Who does that?! However, back to this week... awful tips.  AWFUL.  Last nights show was sponsored by MTV, so there was an open bar upstairs in the VIP balcony section.  I was feeling pretty honored that I got to serve in VIP, however, no one was eating (everyone was an anorexic hipster) and everyone was ordering a free drink... hence, no tips.  You would think that if a person wasn't paying for the drink, they would tip the server who brought it out for them, and weaved through the crowd of intoxicated customers balancing champagne glasses and screaming 'Excuse me' at the top of her lungs to no avail, an EXTRA generous tip... wrong.  The highlight of my night was the fact that some dude told me I had 'beautiful, big blue eyes' and I later found out it was Zedd.  Oh, and I served Jack White a Stella Artois.... that was pretty awesome.  I wasn't too terribly angry coming out of last night tip-less because the show/music was amazing.  However, whenever we have an EDM artist, I always get so jealous of everyone around me boozing and dancing.  When I hear that music I start craving cocktails and/or E. It's like a terrible tease.  Then I come home all wired and can't sleep until 3am, so I am a lazy ass who can't wake up before 10am and am worthless until noon.  Sigh.

Tonight was pretty infuriating.  I was again in the VIP section, and no one was eating... not a single person at the tables I was in charge of.  Additionally, they all swarmed in and weren't sitting at all... they wandered around the balcony so it made it extremely difficult to determine which server was in charge of taking care of which people, and keeping tabs.  Furthermore, they all hung out at the bar and ordered there instead of through me... so again, my tips fucking blew. And unlike last night's awesome DJ, tonight we had some British pop, girl-band "the Saturdays" playing.  There was a meet and greet in the VIP section after the show, so it was jam-packed with bodies and I was unable to move around and clean up tables... so I had to wait around milling about doing nothing but trying to look busy for an hour before I could finally mop the tables and leave.  I try to be a nice person, and I try not to judge or criticize people based on their bodies or looks, but I find that whenever I am feeling feisty or angry or pissed, I start to take jabs at the way a person looks in my mind as a method of coping with my frustration.  For instance, as I stood waiting for people to hurry up and take their damn photos so I could walk behind them to mop the table, all I could think was, why did this girl pay for cheek implants, when she should have paid for a personal trainer to work out the dumpy ass she is now galavanting on stage in latex shorts?  I don't like when I get like this.  I really need to learn how to deal with my anger and not start picking people apart based on physical appearance.  Then, some guy told me I was "definitely the hottest bitch working there."  This should have been a compliment, and was intended as one, but um, excuse me... who are you calling a bitch?  I throw around the term 'bitch' loosely.  I am a woman, so I can.  Kind of like black people using the 'N' word. you know?  If a guy refers to girls or women as 'bitches' and he isn't a flaming homosexual and joking with his girlfriends, it is just not ok in my book.  Then he proceeded to ask my age.  Haven't men learned you never ask a woman her age or her weight? So offensive.  ugh.

And then, to top it all off, I had the subway ride from hell, where my vicious thought train on picking apart people's physical appearance continued.  There were three, absolutely trashed, italian girls being loud and obnoxious as fuck.  Some hipster dude who clearly wanted to be Russell Brand was sitting next to them trying to flirt with them.  A side note on him:  he had terribly thin, fine hair that he had all ruffled up, a la Russell Brand, except I could see his bald scalp through the patchy hairs... and he had on guyliner and terrible tattoos of Octopi on his hands... so gross.  These girls though, omg, the whole subway car was pissed off listening to them scream and shout at everyone in their broken english.  One was sitting spread-eagle in a pair of sheer tights... little did she know I saw some perv standing in front of her staring at her crotch the entire time.  And then two of them started pointing at some guy standing in the middle of the car, laughing and continuing to gesture at him as they spoke in their native tongue.. so fucking rude.  Goddamn.  On another note, since this is a verbal tirade on humanity I am not quite ready to end, I fucking hate hipsters.  If I see one more pair of 'celestial print' leggings, I will fucking die.  Stop trying so hard to be cool and different... because you all look the fucking same to me, and you all look like vagabonds with poor taste at that.

Typical hipster chick (in summer mode); note the skeletal frame, floral head-piece, short-ass high-waisted shorts, and thick, untamed brows paired with red lips.  Please also note the coffee; probably from Toby's Coffee house, or Blue Bottle coffee.  

On a lighter note; as you may or may not have heard, I have a new foster cat named "Bon Bon," and no, I didn't name him... some old, Spanish dude did.  At first, I wondered why a male, short-haired cat would have the name 'Bon Bon'... I was expecting a fluffy, prissy cat to arrive when he was dropped off.  Alas, I think he is gay; so maybe the name works after all.  His meow is very soft and high pitched... though not as cute as Bijou's, and he loves watching me do my makeup and get dressed... definitely gay.   He has a mild form of cat ADD and suffers from anxiety since he was used to crossing highly-trafficked, four-lane highways at his own accord (apparently his last 'owner' didn't give a shit about him and he would often be seen by residents of the gated community meowing outside of the gates to get back into the building).  He now as a lavender-scented anxiety collar and gets special anxiety treats.  I can finally sleep at night; the first week I had him, he would wake me up by crying at the terrace door all night.  It was pretty awful.  Bon bon now likes to chill on the couch with me and he loves sitting under my chair when I'm at the computer.

I know I give off the impression that I love cats, because I love Bijou and now I foster them... but I swear to God, I will never in my life own more than one cat at a time.  Fostering indoor cats has changed my entire perspective about how fun cats are.  Bijou is great because he does all of his business outdoors, but now I find myself scooping the world's smelliest shit out of a litter box multiple times a day. Oh, and I failed to mention that when Bon Bon came to live with me, he had literally JUST been neutered, so he still had male hormones in his system, and his piss smelled up the entire apartment.  I almost fainted the first time I left Bon Bon here for a few hours and returned to my apartment... there is nothing more foul than the smell of cat pee.  The other issue of the litter box, is that I now have litter tracked all over my apartment, and being the neat freak that I am, I find myself constantly cleaning.  I guess I should just be thankful that this cat doesn't hide under my bed all day.  

Catching Up

I haven't written in a while (yet again...), so I figured I would do some catching up (for anyone who even reads this half-ass blog of loathing and narcissism).  I have been busy with my relatively new job as a server, as well as a new foster cat (more on Bon Bon in a minute), and I now have an awesome gig as a contributing editor with Renegadechicks.com!!!!! More on that in a minute as well.

I had a nice, but short-lived Christmas with my family upstate.  I was only home for two nights, and spent the majority of my Christmas Eve wrapping a billion gifts that I had sent upstate.  Sadly, I had to return to the city for work, and came back the day after Christmas in the midst of a pretty bad snow-storm.  As you may or may not already know, I have THE worst luck with public transportation of any person I know (mainly with buses).  I have had so many buses break down while I have been on them, that it was not even a surprise to me on my way upstate when the bus pulled off for a second pit stop.  I knew right away what was coming... buses usually make only one stop between Port Authority and Binghamton, not two.  Sure enough the driver came on over the intercom and announced that there was an issue with the temperature gauge that he needed to investigate.  Naturally I called everyone I knew and started fuming quietly over the phone.  As if riding a smelly, uncomfortable bus wasn't awful enough- why do the buses I ride almost ALWAYS encounter problems like break-downs and delays?  I thanked my lucky stars when the driver climbed back on after five minutes and said the bus was good to go again.  However, leaving Binghamton to come back to the city on the 26th negated whatever luck I had experienced on the 24th.  I wanted to stay home until the 27th, and travel back that day, but my parents argued the fact that there was going to be a snow storm, and so they encouraged me to leave the day after Christmas, before the snow had started.  I had to wait in a queue of about 60 people at the bus station, because apparently all of the buses were already delayed and some had cancelled trips in preparation for the on-coming storm.  I kid you not, I waited outside in 25 degree weather for an hour and 15 minutes.  I was shaking from cold and delirious with frustration by the time the bus pulled up.  I know many of you probably think this is a joke, but for the first time in my life I was glad I had gained some weight over the holidays, because had I not, I don't think my body would have been able to tolerate the temperature for such an extended period.  I finally climbed on the bus, all of my Christmas gifts in tow, and commenced.  Only a half-hour into the journey back to the city, snow started falling.  It grew worse and worse, and after only an hour on the bus, we were literally crawling down the highway at a snail's pace.  Needless to say, what should have taken 3 hours start-to-finish ended up taking about 6.5 hours (the hour of waiting at the station included).  I couldn't complain, because obviously the driver couldn't control the whether, and I was scared we wouldn't make it back that night at all, but JC- I swear to God I am NEVER RIDING ANOTHER GREYHOUND/COACH BUS SO LONG AS I LIVE!

Starting the new year off on a positive note, I have a new foster cat now too.  Breezy (the first foster) went to live with a couple that already has another cat; it was decided that it would bring her out of her shell more if she had some feline companions.  I just received an update about her today actually, and apparently she sleeps in bed with her new foster parents and loves being pet.  Funny- she hid under my bed for the entire month she lived with me, and I tried literally EVERYTHING to coax her out/make her feel at home.  WTF?!   Oh well, I now have a male cat named 'Bon Bon.' He is pretty sweet and actually enjoys cuddling, however he was recently neutered so he still has hormones producing the most foul-smelling piss I have ever smelled.  On top of that, he cried at my terrace door for like 4 days non-stop to go outside.  I used to love cats, but now I am reconsidering how much I actually like them living with me... at least I never have to worry about being a cat lady.  My heart belongs to Bijou... he is the only cat for me.  But enough about my on-going saga with cats....

I am currently getting around 20 hours a week at Highline Ballroom as a server.  It is less intimidating now that I know what to expect and how the system works, however, I hate not knowing how much I will make each night, never knowing how many hours a week I can count on getting, and never knowing what my paycheck will thusly look like.  I never thought of myself as the type of person who needs consistency and stability, I'm not one for planning in advance or making written budgets, or any of that nonsense, however, it is worrisome and gives me anxiety not knowing what my monthly income will amount to.  I had a couple of interviews last week, one of which I am really (fingers crossed) hoping I get hired for.  I applied and interviewed with Amika Hair care products (they are sold through Sephora and HSN), for a purchasing position.  I low-balled them when they asked me what kind of salary I was expecting to make, so hopefully that will be a selling point for me.  I REALLY REALLY REALLY want it.  I just want a regular 9-5 job with steady income and decent benefits, because now that I am slightly older, I realize you can still do what you really want to do on the side and not have to depend on your hobbies to make a living (unless things really start working in your favor).  On that note, I heard back from Renegadechicks.com (it's a more tamed down/friendlier version of jezebel.com) and I am going to be a contributing writer!!!!! You can look forward to more work from me there (I'm sure I will post links on Facebook, etc.).  I might have to tone down some of what I write (less swearing, etc.), but that shouldn't be too hard for me.  My primary topic of writing with renegadechicks is going to be women's issues... I'm stoked/honored that I get to do this!  Furthermore, I know I have shunned pinterest in the past, but I have been put in charge of maintaining renegadechicks pinterest boards, so keep your eyes open for that as well (I promise not to post lame love quotes and pictures of tea pots).

Life is certainly far from where I thought it would be at this point in life, however, it is looking up.  If I get that purchasing job, I think I will be much closer to where I want to be as a person and career-wise. Sigh.

This is why we can't have nice skin

Well, I finally have a job... thank you God (and the friend of my sister's who helped me land it) hahaha.  I am so incredibly thankful and happy to be working again.  I am now a server at the Highline Ballroom, in the meatpacking district.  It's a small (700 people) concert venue, and they also host private parties and brunches (where the minimum per table is $10,000) and they have club nights.  The first night that I worked, Rita Ora was performing along with DJ Havana Brown, and Jay-Z showed up for the show... it was pretty awesome.  I'm not really into celebrity worship (the only exceptions being Kate Moss and possibly Pete Doherty), but I must say it was pretty awesome to know that Jay-Z was sitting about 10 feet away from where I was learning the ropes of serving cocktails/food.  Hey, If I'm gonna be somebody's cocktail bitch, I may as well be a rich, famous person's. I am still looking for a day job (hopefully something that can blossom into an actual career of sorts), but for now, this should be enough to pay the bills.  Before I found this job I was seriously at my wit's end.  I'm talking crying-every-day depressed, because I was so stressed that I couldn't find a job.  I haven't written in quite some time (also because I've been too depressed and busy searching for jobs), and have a new addition to my apartment; Breezy, the foster cat.

I am fostering Breezy through an organization called The American Street Cat, which takes in stray cats off the street, spays/neuters them, and either releases them, or finds homes for them based on whether or not they have ever been domesticated.  Breezy is an older cat, and was taken in from a parking garage in Breezy Point (hence her awful name... did you really think I would name a cat 'Breezy'?!).  The poor thing was spayed when they brought her in for an evaluation at the vet's office, meaning she was someone's pet once and they dumped her for whatever fucked up reason.  When I agreed to take her in, she had to go back to the vet's for dental work (thankfully she has a financial sponsor who pays for her bills) and came back with 4 teeth extracted.  I've been giving her antibiotics in her soft food, and she seems to be eating more, meaning her mouth doesn't hurt her after the extractions.  She is a sweet cat, but she's extremely skittish, which makes me think that her previous owners may have abused her.  She spends all day chilling under my bed, and only comes out when I'm gone, or sleeping at night.  I crawl under there a few times a day to pet her, and if I scoop her out, sometimes she will sit on my lap if I'm petting her, but as soon as my hands are off her she will run and hide again.  I thought that fostering a cat would be all peaches and cream- I thought I'd have a furry friend to cuddle and watch movies with or play with, but I guess not.  Oh well, I guess I'm doing a good deed for the animal kingdom nevertheless.  I'm sure Breezy will find a permanent home soon, but I don't know if I ever want to foster another cat after she leaves.  

On another note, I FINALLY have a couch!  No more sitting around on an itchy, wool carpet for me!  Now I can finally entertain guests without apologizing for lack of seating. haha.  

Yayyyyy for a proper living space!  Now If only Breezy would come join me on the couch once in a while... 

I am lame and felt the need to post this pick I took on the terrace the other night as the sun was setting because it was extraordinarily beautiful. 

I am lucky to have a job, but unfortunately I will only be home for Christmas Eve and Christmas and then return to the city to work.  I am scheduled to work on Sunday night, so my sister, brother in law, and niece left to go upstate without me, and now I will be forced to pay $80 to ride the ghetto mobile also known as the Greyhound bus.  Kill me now.  I fucking hate public transportation; it's so smelly, and dirty and makes me literally feel nauseous.  In fact, I've thrown up riding the greyhound bus on two different occasions (no, I wasn't hungover, thank you very much).  I've also experienced the worst of humanity on the greyhound bus, including trashy parents who tell their two year old, inquisitive child to 'shut up,' a woman who busted out a smelly, hard-boiled egg to eat, and some old dude who was clearly rubbing his dick in his pants as he sat next to me when I was like 18.  People on the bus are fucking nasty.  I can't wait to be home though.  I had all of the Christmas presents that I ordered delivered to my parent's house upstate, so I'm going to have to spend all day wrapping them.  Hopefully everything I ordered has showed up.  I can't wait to hold Bijou and play with Ceely.  

I have spent the last week of my life baking Christmas goodies (I decided to give all my extended family members huge cookie/candy plates), and thusly have also spent the last week of my life on acne control.  As you may or may not know from previous posts, I experienced a terrible acne breakout upon moving to the city.  It's been relatively under control for about a month now, as my acne medication kicked in.  However, I am scared to indulge myself in sugar and alcohol, because despite what anyone says, these things honestly make me break out.  Despite my best efforts to curb my cookie-nibbling, dough-sampling, frosting-licking ways, I have no self-control when I am baking, and usually eat like 1/4 or the batter.  The other day I made more of those rice krispie treat balls (covered in chocolate) and even though I put them in my freezer to keep for others, I find myself taking them out and eating them... still frozen.  How fucking shameful.  Today I made home-made caramel-covered apples, rolled in chocolate and nuts.  I knew going into the baking, that caramel is probably the worst thing ever for my skin, and it also happens to be one of my favorite sweets... a terrible combination.  My home-made caramel was so fucking delicious though, that I guess a couple zits are worth it. 

The apples, covered in caramel and ready to be rolled.... half the carmel now calls my stomach 'home.' haha.  On the right is the chocolate bark I made.  It has slivered almonds, dried cherries and apricots, and salted dark-chocolate.  Melting chocolate is a pain in the ass... I don't think I'll ever do it again.  It took like 5 hours to dry. 

Tonight I have tentative plans to make thumb-print cookies and these delicious, almond-flavored candy cookies (depending on whether or not I think I have enough self-control to not eat half the batter).

And because I am a fucking narcissist, and this is probably the last time before February that I will look thin enough to sport body-con dresses, I will leave you with some gratuitous self-portraits, because it's my blog and I can! 

What I would wear every day If it were only socially acceptable.  Thank God I am allowed/supposed to dress sexy at my new job.   My boyfriend slipped and told me he got me this awesome, black body-con dress for Christmas.... I can't fucking wait to put that baby on.  

Addendum:  

I can't even believe how much cookiedough/chocolate/caramel/cookies/carbs/curry/banana milk, EVERYTHING else I consumed today.... These pics were both taken today, no lie.  

8 am... looking like a man

8pm (no, I'm not pregnant... obviously)

Jobless for the Holidays

The week prior to Thanksgiving, I applied for approximately 45+ job openings, most of which I am over-qualified for.  I have yet to hear back about a single one of them- ten days after the fact.  I even signed up for four various recruiting agencies (agencies that find temp-work etc. and charge the company who hires you a small fee for finding you); I have not heard back from a single one of those either.  What gives?  A simple, generic email along the lines of 'We're sorry but the position has been filled/we found a more qualified applicant/you suck" would be nicer than not hearing back at all.  It's becoming so very frustrating.  I mean, what am I supposed to do?  Should I pretend I never went to college and graduated or ignore the fact that I've held down a handful of reasonable jobs within the past few years and go apply at McDonalds? (no offense to anyone who might work at McDonald's- it's just that that was my last resort even when I was in high school and looking for work).  Should I go scrub the toilets of rich ladies and degrade myself?   I certainly can't go back to work for Mollister/A&F Co. after resigning for all of the right reasons.  I honestly feel like with all of the various applications I submit on a daily basis I am beginning to exhaust my options.  I've applied for a variety of basic sales associate jobs, office assistant jobs, basically anything at this point, that would provide me with a bit of income and occupy my time.  I used to love having time home alone and to myself to relax or work on my book or cook something scrumptious, but JC- being alone all the time is really starting to blow.  I racked up 70% of the family plan's usage for phone minutes and about 7,000 texts last month just because aside from sitting here at my computer applying for jobs, I have nothing else to do but chat with friends/harass my brother etc.  It's really becoming depressing... it reminds of my days at FIT when my first roommate moved out and I was all alone for almost an entire semester... or my other roommate who was constantly going home to bang her boyfriend every weekend leaving me all alone.  Shit's just sad. lmao.

I decided to at least do something good for the world while I am unemployed; so I signed up to foster a kitten.  I didn't want to adopt a cat, because I have Bijou and I don't want him to think that his mom left him and took up with another cat in the city. LMAO.  However, I did some research and found several legitimate organizations looking for individuals who will temporarily serve as a foster parent for a kitten for a time frame of around 2-3 months.  A lot of animal shelters don't have enough room or help to give the space, time, or necessary attention to the kittens/puppies that they have, so they are constantly looking for volunteers to bring these animals into their homes until they are old enough to be adopted out to a permanent home.  This sounds perfect because I want to help, but I cannot commit to actually adopting and owning an animal for the long haul right now.  I also looked into volunteering at hospitals and nursing homes yesterday and I think that until I have a job, I would like to start spending a few hours a week reading to children or helping out at a hospital/nursing home.  Helping others has always made me feel good, and I certainly don't do it as often as I should anymore.

I had a lovely Thanksgiving Holiday at home and a lovely three days with my boyfriend upon returning to the city.  Now it's back to the grind of job searching- yet again.  I have started my Christmas shopping, so at least that is something to occupy my time.  Whilst racking my brain for the perfect gifts to give to my loved ones, I started thinking about my own Christmas lists and how it went from my annual fantasy lists of yore, to this year's ever-so-boring list.  For Example:

Obviously those were just fantasy lists and I would always hang a more reasonable one on the fridge at home asking for stuff like Sephora Gift cards or a pair of riding boots. This year however, I suppose I am a 'real' adult, because my list is boring as well as utterly depressing:

Christmas List 2012

1.  The Clarisonic 

2.  A crock pot

3.  A set of Mixing bowls

4.  A hand held vacuum 

5.  Socks

6.  Ear Muffs

7.  A case of coffee

WHO AM I?! Honestly... If this is what being an independent and responsible adult consists of at the tender age of 24... then what the fuck is in store for me when I'm in my forties?! This list makes me feel like a 1950s housewife.  Yes, I like to cook, and yes, I keep a tidy apartment... but JC... a fucking Vacuum cleaner?!  A fucking Crock Pot?! Someone might need to stage an intervention, I'm starting to not recognize myself anymore.  I mean, seriously, the highlight of this list is a Clarisonic- and that's only because my dermatologist recommended it for my skin issues. So sad.  I never realized how much money a person spends on necessities like coffee and toilet paper... I keep thinking about how nice it was to not have to buy this stuff for myself when I lived at home.  No wonder I never thought twice about treating myself to something nice on Urbanoutfitters.com or Nastygal.com.  Another depressing thing about being jobless, is finding things to look forward to and to keep you motivated.  My boyfriend bought tickets to a Bloc Party concert happening right after Christmas to make up for the concert I didn't attend with him in summer so that is something to look forward to.  Sigh.  I need things to look forward to these days.  It's really hard when every day is a day off.  I mean, when you're working 45 hours a week, you look forward to your hard-earned days off, even if you have nothing at all planned, you look forward to not waking up at the ass crack of dawn or slaving away for a 9 hour shift.  But now?  It's difficult, it really is.  I look forward to weekends upstate just to break up the monotony of this lonely apartment.  I look forward to Wednesday nights because thats when I go to my sister's to watch American Horror Story.  I look forwards to seeing my cat... what is wrong with this picture?  I think I might just go for a 5 mile walk now because I have nothing better to do. 

Love Today

I have decided perhaps I've been listening to a little too much Portishead and Radiohead as of late, because I switched it up last night and put on some Mika (an old favorite) and instantly I felt more positive and in-control of my life and happy for the first time in about two weeks.  It's amazing what music can do for one's mood...I should really start listening to Muse and Mika all the time because I really feel like a new person.  Perhaps part of the reason for my unusually chipper mood is also because my acne meds have kicked in, and despite the raging headache I have as a side effect of the oral antibiotic, my face has cleared right up.  I know it's gross, but I have some crusty, peeling skin where the zits were, and it seriously hurts to smile and laugh at the moment; this past weekend was miserable.  Lol.  Last night my sister and I were dying driving back to the city from upstate and I kept joking about the fact I couldn't smile and felt like my lips were going to split down the side like the Joker's if I smiled too big. "Hey kid, ya wanna know how I got these sscccaaaaars?  Well, ya see... I had some real bad acne, and then I took these meds that dried my face out and made the zits all crusty, and then... my sister, she told this joke, ya' see?  And I smiled a little too hard." LMAO.  I think it's funny anyhow.  I still haven't heard back from Anthropologie, but I haven't heard bad news at least, so whatever.  I sent them a 'thank you for the interview/looking forward to hearing back' email on Friday, and they have been excellent about getting back to me, so hopefully by the end of this week I will know either way.  It's such a nice f*cking day outside though, I'm not going to complain that I have it off.  I really am going to finish my book this week, come hell or high water.  I'm not sure what I plan to do after the fact; I suppose I will revise it several times and maybe give it to select friends/family members to read to see if they like it...

If all else fails and I don't have a job by the end of the month, I might become a stripper.  Lord knows I have the moves- I just need the bolt-on titties and I would be golden.  hahaha.  In all seriousness though... ;)  I'd probably make bank... and I'd get to utilize all of my 5" heels and lingerie... sigh.  I think in another life I was a drag queen.

I have about 5 billion things (give or take) that I want to start buying people for Christmas presents, but I know that if there is no perspective job in the future, I should probably not start blowing money like it grows on trees.  I am stoked that Thanksgiving is already next week.. time is flying by at a rapid rate.  I spent the weekend at home and took some new pics of the animals, and the niece...

Ceely looking dapper.

Mr. B and his new catnip toy... according to my brother it looks like a Christmas Dildo. Poor Bijou...

Gratuitous shot of my abs because that's the only thing good going on in my life... jk.  I found an entire stash of acro costumes dating from the ages of 7 to 12... I wore this one when I was 11...pretty sexual if you ask me.  DISCO INFERNOOOO

I finally went to the hardware store and single-handedly put up these shelves that have been sitting in the corner for the past month and a half.  It took all of three hours start-to-finish, and my poor little wrists are spent. 

How I went about holding the shelves up while I screwed... lol.  Kind of like the time I stacked three chairs on top of each other to lift a suitcase onto a giant wardrobe at FIT... I'm lucky I didn't die. 

And some cougar sausage I found at the Meat Hook on my walk... I might have to get some, it's only fitting. hahaha

Everybody is Doing it...

I can't even tell you how many of posts show up each day on my FB news feed from friends doing the '30 days of thanks' thing to honor Thanksgiving and make the entire month of November all about giving thanks.  While I can say some of the posts are very sincere, others are downright annoying and make me wonder why I decided to get back on FB after a two month absence ("I wish I knew how to quit you facebook," - said in manner of Jack to Ennis a la Brokeback Mountain).    Since I generally use this blog as a source to vent all of my daily frustrations (or at least the ones that I don't feel are too personal to share with the world), I thought I would dedicate this entire post to all of the things that I am grateful for and appreciative of on a daily basis, but sometimes overlook or fail to mention in the midst of my minor woes and daily dilemmas.

I am grateful for a supportive, tight-knit family.  I can't tell you how many times I have seen siblings that don't talk to each other or aren't close, and I always wonder why.  At the end of the day, my siblings, along with my (second) cousin, are some of my best friends.   I know that no matter who I am or what I do, they won't ever walk away or stop caring about me.  Clearly I have been in many altercations and arguments with my brother and sister over the years; we have our differences and our differences of opinion (like how to wear mascara ;p), however I don't think that I would be who I am today if I weren't so close to either of them.  It's funny; my sister is almost eight years older than me, and my brother is four years younger, so we were never very close in age, but I get along with both of them and can talk to either of them bluntly, and they can do the same with me.  I have told my brother and cousin things I haven't told my closest friends (no offense closest friends, but I spent a lot of time hanging out with my brother and cousin this summer), and my sister has had to listen to me bitch about trivial shit that I blow up like the drama queen I am for the majority of my life and has never stopped listening to me complain about zits, weight-gain, bad hair days, relationship issues, friend issues, etc.  I would do *almost* anything for my siblings and cousin, and I know they would probably do *almost* anything for me.

I am grateful for my parents.  There, I've said it. lol.  I know that I generalized my family in the last paragraph of thankfulness, but I don't know how my parents have put up with me for this many years.  I mean, I was a pretty good child- they never had to worry about me slutting it up, drinking, or doing drugs, however, I was always on the extremely sensitive/emotional end of the spectrum, and putting up with me must have been pretty taxing at times.  No my parents aren't perfect- they argue a lot, I've seen some screaming matches I wish I'd never witnessed (hey, who hasn't? My mom always told me that it's when a couple stops communicating altogether that you have to be concerned), but I know that they care about each other at the end of the day, and more importantly they have always cared about their children.  My parents might not have bought me a brand new car when I turned sixteen (though they did give me my sister's Altima and still pay for my insurance :x), nor did they bring me to Disney World, but those aren't the things that make parents "good" parents.  They haven't always been super supportive or encouraging about certain endeavors (looking back I can't say I blame them; I don't think I would have let my 20 year old take out loans to go to Lee Strasberg having only an Associate's degree), nor have they lavished me with compliments the way some parents do (I don't think I can ever recall my mom praising my physical appearance- I don't know if that's bad parenting, or if that a good thing that she never put emphasis on how a person looks... hmm).  However, my parents have always stood up for me when I couldn't stand up for myself (like the time my A.P English teacher made me cry for missing a day to attend a student council conference when I had a 110 in her class...bitch), and they have bailed me out of numerous situations (my dad has dragged my car out of a ditch, paid for the repairs when I swerved to miss a deer, etc.).  My poor parents drove me to three nights of dances classes for 12 years of my life, and sacrificed weekends and a week at a time each year to go with me to various competitions.  My parent's never really gave me a lot of physical affection (my family isn't comprised of a group of 'huggers'), however it's the little things... my mom read to me EVERY SINGLE night growing up; my dad taught me so much about nature and navigation and basic skills like how to check oil and start the grill (even though I'm still scared of blowing my eyebrows off).  My mom used to come in every night and shut off my light and take off my glasses when I went through a phase of being scared and blind (hey, when your vision is as bad as mine, it really sucks to be laying in bed with no eyesight when you're scared), and my dad used to take my brother and I on hikes all the time when we were young.  On top of all of this, they've both had to listen to me sob, bitch about the way that I looked, and hurl some pretty scathing insults towards both of them.  I am lucky they still love me. lol. I hope someday I can pay my parents back for all that they did for me and provided me with (I need to get rich, bitch!). lol

I am thankful for my friends; I may not have the most friends, but the ones I have would probably do anything for me and vice versa.  Lord knows they've listened to my cry on multiple occasions and put up with my drunken antics many nights.  The level of comfort and trust I have with my best friends is so high that I don't think I would ever be able to replace it or even build another friendship that would surpass what I've already built with my closest friends.  My friends and I may not always see each other that often now that were out of college and have respective lives in different parts of the state, different schedules and varying obligations; but I am positive when I say that they support me in a way no one else does.  If I picked up the phone and called them crying at 2am, they would know exactly what to say to make me feel better.  The same goes for them, I would pick up the phone in an instant and do anything in my power to be a good friend for a friend in need. We have laughed together, ran from police together, gotten drunk together, spray painted together, cooked together, created art together, cried together, played together (as kids.. duh), and grown up together.  I love my friends and I am grateful that I have them in my life.  Even the friends that I rarely see in person but always text or call to check in on how things are going in my life- I am thankful for, because so often I will be having a bad day and it only takes that friendly reminder that someone is thinking about me to make me feel loved and better about life.

I am thankful for my health and body and mind.  I know I may seem ungrateful and self-deprecating at times.  I am not as tall as I wish I was, I don't have a cute, little, cookie-cutter nose, and I bitch about what I eat far too often (I'm sorry I do this to anyone who has ever had to listen or anyone else that I have ever made feel bad about their body by bitching about my own- that has never been my intent).  But in all honesty, I am thankful for everything I have.  I was born with a fully functional body that can do all kinds of awesome stuff, like run and jump, and swim, and splits, and acrobatics, and ballet, etc.  I am thankful I have all of my limbs and fingers and toes and good health.  I can cook and clean and build stuff and carry stuff and climb stuff; a lot of people aren't in a condition to do the things that I take for granted most days.  I am happy that I am a generally healthy person who rarely gets sick (minus my sensitive skin), and that I am intelligent and creative (I know some of you probably question my mentality or level of intelligence given the shit I write about, haha).  I am happy that I am not chronically ill or have a condition that limits my mobility.  I am happy that I do like my body ( on most days) and that I feel more comfortable in my own skin the older I get and the more I learn to appreciate what I have.

I am thankful for my pets.  I know some of you are thinking this is pretty weak, but hear me out.  I love my animals to death- they are like family members, sometimes the best kind, because they don't talk back.  lol. jk.  I am lucky that I come from a home where animals are treated well, and I have grown up to be a person who loves, respects, and cares deeply about the welfare of wildlife and domestic animals.  I cry when I watch those ASPCA commercials and I cry when I read stories about abused or neglected animals. I even cry when I see dogs tethered to posts or ones that have to sleep outside (I feel this is animal cruelty- I'm sorry, but why do some people even have pets if they aren't allowed indoors?  That's just fucked up and wrong).  My pets make me a better person.  It's because of the stray cat I took in that I will ask to doggy-bag sushi just so I can leave pieces around Williamsburg for the stray cats frequenting the area (say what you will, but I don't like animals to be hungry, nor do I like to waste food).  It's because of my animals that I donate any spare blankets or throw carpets I have to the local ASPCA.  My animals give me someone to take care of and dote on (because lord knows I'm not having kids anytime soon), and spoil with affection.  They bring me joy when they do cute things, and they are always very tolerant when I put bows on them and take pictures.  My pets have encouraged me to care about stray animals that I see when I think about the fact that every (domestic) animal should be entitled to a warm, loving home and regular meals.  They have made me aware of the importance of spaying and neutering pets (hence why we caught the stray cats in the first place and paid to have them spayed and neutered last fall).  Having pets and caring about animals has also brought awareness to my eyes about the meat industry.  I know that I am not exactly a vegetarian or a vegan (a tad to extreme for me), but I have certainly made more of an effort in the past ten years or so to cut out fast food, to cut out meat when I can, and to eat more free-range or cage-free (in the case of poultry).  I am much more aware of steroids and antibiotics and the injustices done to animals and livestock raised for consumption on huge farms.  Furthermore, my animals are there for me in a way many people aren't.  I know that sounds really stupid; it's not as though my animals actually listen to me or give me advice like friends or family would- but when all I need is the comfort of another living thing (especially one that is soft and furry and warm), they provide me with someone to hug and hold. lol.  I sound like such a crazy bitch writing this.  But JC, i fucking love my animals. hahaha.

I am thankful for all of the opportunities that I have been provided in life.  I may not have grown up in an urban area where kids have the chance to go to high schools with majors like drama or music (I always thought that it was such an unfair advantage when applying to colleges for various art majors that some kids had the benefit of studying their major in high school when so many go to public or private schools with a basic, gen-ed curriculum).  However, growing up in a small town upstate gave me opportunity in a lot of ways.  I always had small class sizes (I think the most we ever had in a class room was probably only 21 students or so), I had really awesome teachers who cared about the education and welfare of all of their students, I had great music teachers, a respectable music department (Orchestra, band, jazz band, chorus... the works).  I grew up in a small community where at times it seemed that everyone knew your business, but at the same time, it's nice to know that you can walk into the dentist's office or the post office or the store, and people know your name and your family and ask how they're doing.  The benefits of having such a small, tight-knit community really showed themselves in events of crisis like after the flood(s) or when someone passed away, everyone would reach out with support and condolences.  It was comforting, and it still is comforting when I am home.  I'm thankful my parents encouraged me to go to college and helped financially support me.  I'm thankful that they cared enough to shuttle me around when I was looking at various schools, moved all of my shit to the city when I went to FIT, moved it all back, moved me into an apartment in oneonta when I was there, etc.  I am thankful I had great professors (for the most part) at SUNY Oneonta.  The only professors I am thankful for at FIT were Prof. Wayne Barker (my textiles professor) who taught me many valuable life lessons as a wee freshman, and my screenwriting professor, Prof. Steven Fector, who wrote The Woodsman (staring Kevin Bacon and Kira Sedgwick).  Class with professor Fector was a much needed relief from the other mundane merchandising classes filled with non-creative, superficial bitches.  It was a class filled with students of all ages and backgrounds, where we had great discussions, watched awesome independent films, and we all wrote the first 25 pages of a screenplay.  I will never forget the teachers that encouraged my creative endeavors.

I am thankful I live in America (even though it has gone downhill in the past 10 years or so).  I am thankful I wake up and have freedom to speak my mind, to wear whatever I want (even if there are consequences if I choose to dress provocatively, at least I'm not mandated to cover up in a burka), I can do what I want in terms of jobs (we have no Caste system here... thank God), go where I want, and that there are opportunities available if you seek them.  I am happy that I have control over my body and my reproductive rights (Thank heavens Mitt Romney was not elected.. that would have been reverting back to the 50s in a lot of ways and I would have had to have fled the country), I am thankful that as a woman I can do anything that a man can do in terms of jobs, etc., and I am thankful for all of the women before me who fought so I could have the same rights and opportunities that men have.  Yes, this country still has a long way to go as a society in terms of eradicating harassment, assault, violence against women, rape, etc., but for the most part I feel safe when I am walking around by myself, and that isn't the case in a lot of countries.  I am very lucky to be here.

Furthermore, I am thankful I have a place to live (in a pretty cool city), food in my cupboards and fridge, health insurance (thank you Obama for making it so that I could be on my parents insurance until I am 25), and good style. haha.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

There is a fierce snowstorm brewing outside, and I am not even going to complain, because I love Snow and I love Christmas!  I'm sorry if that is too happy for some of you sourpusses who hate snow.  I hate snow too, but only if it comes at an inconvenient time when there is traveling to be done, or if it is March.  Some of you may argue that it is far too early in the season to begin feeling these festive longings or wishing for a white Christmas, or listening to Christmas songs... I say, let the festivities begin!  I know Halloween only just ended, but every store in the city is already doing their holiday windows and pretty lights are going up all over!  Christmas always comes and goes far too fast, so this year, I fully intend on celebrating and cherishing every festive day leading up to the most glorious time of year.  I FINALLY had that interview at the Anthropologie store on 5th Ave. today.  I am praying (yes, sometimes I pray, call me a hypocrite if you must- because I will be the first to admit that sometimes I am, sadly) that I get the job, as anyone who knows me well enough will tell you that I am slowly going insane in the membrane sitting here jobless.  I swear I just get surlier and surlier as the days go by.  I feel like I have turned into a binge eater out of boredom, and that, is a sad state of affairs.  I guess the grass is always greener, right?  I voluntarily quit my last job, don't get me wrong.  That job was awful and was really holding me back, not to mention I dreaded going to work every day and couldn't stand the fact that our hiring practices were morally and ethically wrong on every level.  However, sitting here blowing my hard earned savings on food and rent isn't exactly a comforting thought either.  I can't wait to be making money again so I can start spending on some of life's luxuries, and so I can afford to give all of my loved ones awesome Christmas Pressies.  As soon as I hear back at the end of this week (fingers crossed), I will either start my Holiday shopping (granted the news is good and I get the position), or sit here crying as I stare at my computer and continue searching for job after job after job after job.... haha.  What's a girl gotta do to make some money in this world?  (sugar daddies, fake titties, pole-dancing, high class prostitution rings... hmmmm).  jk.  I would never.  I really think I would love working in that store though; I loved being a manager and a team leader (I think it's something I excel at... not to toot my own horn ;) )  and the store is so pretty and cozy and festive, as are the clothing and home-wear items that they sell.   I am quite confident that even if I don't get this job, something will come along before my money runs out (I should be good another three months if I spend wisely); that being said though, I REALLY REALLY REALLY want this job!!!!!!!! Omg, I've probably jinxed myself and I won't get it because of a bad skin day (can they do that?).  I think Mollister scared me for life, because now I always think someone isn't going to hire me unless I am really really ridiculously good-looking, as opposed to how qualified or smart or creative I am (hey, I've seen too many qualified individuals get turned down simply because they didn't fit our "look" while I was working at Mollister, and that is beyond fucked up).

I am dying to go home and see my cat and dogs so badly.  I know they are in good hands, but nothing replaces a mother's touch (poor little Biji cat needs his Meeooommm!). haha.  I mean, I do have my niece and she is pretty effing adorable, and her head is soft and fuzzy and she's got cute little thigh rolls... but it's not the same as picking up a fluffy cat and sticking your face in his fur.  hahahaha.  I always worry about Bijou because he was just a kitten when he showed up in my backyard, and I gave him a home and food and affection and I know he is appreciative.  My mom always told me it was a bad idea to put a collar on a cat that was indoor/outdoor because if their collar gets caught up on a branch they might not come home, which is sad but true.  However, it is hunting season upstate and I worry that some crazy hunter from Jersey might take aim at my cat.  Perhaps I should die bijou's fur fluorescent orange when I go home.  I remember my dad (who has always been insanely over-protective) used to make my brother and I wear his fluorescent orange hunting hats when we played in our own yard during hunting season, because there are woods behind my house and he was always terrified that some downstate hunter would take aim on anything moving if they saw it from a distance. LOL.  My dad is also the type that wouldn't let my brother and I play in piles of leaves in our own yard if he felt that they were 'too close to the road,' because he was always afraid that a car might purposely swerve into the pile and hit one of us if we were hidden in them.  Dear lord.  However, his over protectiveness has come in handy on several occasions- like the time my sister heard something in the yard one night and my dad walked outside in his pjs and found some punk teenager with a flashlight who claimed to be "looking for [his] dog." Or the fact that any time I have gone on a camping trip or even a long car ride, my dad hooks me up with all kinds of extras like flashlights, batteries, toilet paper, mace... because you never know what might happen.  Sometimes I feel like I have inherited that over-protective gene, even with my cat.  I fear for my future children someday.   I may take a ghetto bus home tomorrow, dependent upon whether or not my sister and brother in law think they will be able to get enough gas to go Upstate by Friday.  I need to see my animals and have my mom cook me all the fatty foods I won't cook for myself since I am living alone.  Furthermore I need my GD full length mirror!!!  I had a dermatology appointment earlier today before my interview.  The doctors at Williamsburg Dermatology are so nice; I am really glad I found that place since my skin has been freaking out since I moved down here.  The Dr. I saw today prescribed me an oral antibiotic and two topical cremes for my acne, so hopefully I will get this shit cleared up within the next couple of weeks.  My fragile ego (eagle) has had its wings clipped and it needs to soar.  LOL. It is so fucking dry in this apartment also, which really isn't helping matters since every blemish I pick gets all flaky (I'm disgusting, I know).  Every morning I wake up and feel as though I have just fallen asleep in the Sahara. Every last facial orifice including my meeouth is dry and I chug a glass of water before having coffee.  I need to get a humidifier ASAP.  I know that I'm a grown girl, but given the fact that my apartment is tastefully and simply decorated, I think I might have some fun and treat myself to the festive, pig-shaped, pink humidifier. It's something seasonal, so it's not like it's going to be a main-stay in the apartment year round.  Plus, it's going to be by my bed, so I doubt people will notice it.  I considered getting the Hello Kitty one, but I thought perhaps that was a bit too much, even for me, and people might start to question my mentality if they came over.  I think that before American Horror Story comes on tonight, I will force my sister to watch "White Christmas" with me and make Swiss Miss.... ;)  God I love Christmas.  When I go home this weekend, little Bijou and Ceely are going to get their Christmas pics taken by yours truly. haha.  I will leave you with some pics of the snow fall, and also pictures of my animals from last Christmas.

view over the terrace and down the street towards Bedford

The terrace... no place for sunning or drinking wine today.

Ceely, aka. "baby" looking adorable... my sweet little 'senji

Bijou when he was still an adolescent, helping his mom wrap Christmas Pressies.  I can't wait to kiss his little pink nose. lol... I'm such a freak.