What I've Been Up To

It's been a while since I posted... far longer than is acceptable.  I haven't *published* an entry in three months.  I say "published," because I have actually written several entries, all of which I can't share publicly (or at least not at this point in my life) because the consequences would far outweigh the pros of being so open and honest about my life. 

So, what have I been up to? Well, I partied every weekend for basically two months straight  (with a few out-of-control weekday nights thrown in for good measure), then of course there is work, and my relationship (cooking, relaxing, eating, movie nights), and I went home two weekends in a row as well.  

Other than that life was going just swell, with no complaints, which (as you know) isn't the kind of inspiration or motivation that drives me to write.  Now that things are not so peachy fuckin' keen once again, the old inspiration has hit me like a ton of bricks.  This means, that I spent the last two weekends home, scrubbing my apartment, babysitting my niece, and putting all of my savage thoughts into writing.

I have found a new, twisted and extremely cathartic satisfaction in writing acerbic Craigslist ads.  I'm not sure why I've taken to this.... or how the idea came to me, but it helps me get my inner demons out, and it is also fucking hilarious to get replies. Here are two such examples:

I Will Get You Hipster Trash Skinny

Have you ever longingly stared at a hipster model's bird-legs as she walked down Bedford Ave. in her One Teaspoon brand rocker shorts, and bull-dyke 90's platform sandals and asked yourself how you can achieve that starving Somalian body?

How you, a common, homely, middle-brow citizen who eats regular meals and drinks in excess on weekends can possibly obtain a thigh gap that is enviable, protruding hip bones, and a stomach that becomes distended as soon as you swallow a single grain of rice?

Have you always wanted to make your friends jealous to the point of accusing you of having an eating disorder? Do you long to make your family question your health when you go home for the holidays? Do you want to make ex-boyfriends suspicious that you might be battling a drug addiction, or instead of eliciting cat calls, perhaps you want middle-aged fat women to openly comment things like "My god, you're so skinny!" or "you need a cheeseburger!"?

If what I have just described is your dream come true, you're in luck. I am about to divulge to you the diet of the hipster models that you envy. In only 3 short months, you can turn your life around and achieve the body that you have healthily been trying to attain for the better part of your twenties. In only 3 short months, you too can walk around in next to nothing in public, post naked selfies on the gram, and spend hours lip-synching into a brush wearing nothing but a triangle-top bikini as you film yourself to share on Snapchat. Does this sound like everything you've ever wanted and more? Good; this is all you SHOULD ever want in this modern world. Because if you can't make normal teenage girls in the midwest develop eating disorders due to idolizing fake ideals, what else is your life good for? Is there anything MORE important than looking good in the photos you snap at Burning Man to post on your IG and show the world how fucking cool you are in your pasties and john lennon glasses and futuristic headpiece?! NO.

You're going to need cash. Lots of cash. And not for those expensive juices - although, those expensive juices will be a good prop, you know. You should carry one around at all times in case a friend tries to invite you out to dinner or a colleague wants to grab lunch - you simply pull it out of your purse and say "I'm sorry, I'm doing this whole juice cleanse thing right now!" Being the ass-licking, posing piece of hipster trash that most of your Bushwick dwelling friends probably are, they will nod in total agreement and ask you how it's going and probably want to try it. Fooling people into thinking you're cleansing is much better than declining real food without an excuse- then they might think you have a "problem."

Anyhow, the cash! You are going to need this cash to invest in your dietary supplements - adderall, and cocaine. Take one adderall in the morning to get that initial high, proceed to take multiple shits (see? Same thing as a professional colonic!), and stave off your appetite until the work day is over. You are allowed to have a few cups of coffee to keep the adderall effect going throughout the day Once you leave work, it's time to keep suppressing that appetite with some Coke.

Keep alternating between blow and molly every night for the next two weeks, and you will be emaciated in no time.

Bad Santa/Mick Jagger Children's Photography  

f you're looking for a Bad Santa/Mick Jagger-esque children's photographer for your next child's birthday party look no further. I will show up to your child's event, hungover as f*ck. My favorite call time, is Sunday morning at 10am after a night of partying with my friends. Once your friends smell the scent of Jameson and Pinnacle on me, they can give me disdainful looks, avoid conversation, and treat me like an invisible servant... they can also judge you for hiring me. Your friends will delight in my sexual pants (courtesy of American Apparel) as I bolt for the bathroom, thanks to the explosion about to happen in my pants because of liquor and coffee consumption. 

As I crawl around the floor on all fours attempting to take photos of your undisciplined, screaming children, you can also shake your head as you watch me taint your precious, BPA-free toddler with my fireball breath. 

I will make sure to look presentable and child-friendly in my sexual pants, and caked on mascara that I slept in. 

For An Extra Fee, the Following can be Obtained: Pit Stains/Extreme body odor, a broken heel, rants to all children under the age of 5 with political context, assault and battery on bicycle delivery people outside of the event, copious amounts of pizza ordered and billed to the host of the event, shared bumps of coke in the ladies room, and pop-up rave full of hipster trash.

And there's a lot more where that came from kids >:-)    

Other than expressing myself via obnoxious Craigslist posts and entries that maybe I will share two years from now, I've been up to the same old - same old:  cooking, alternating between going out and staying in watching shitty foreign films, plotting murder, etc.

And as always, I'll leave you with some sluttery.  You know how we do around here.